this post brought to you by developmental neurobio gang
Just now realizing he’s food
four hours and counting
He is the Messiah!
Nice try CNN
Is a non-prophet organization
An international school teacher asks a question: “What’s your own opinion on food scarcity in other countries?”
An African student responds: What’s food? A European student: What’s scarcity? An American student: What are "other countries"? A Chinese student: What’s "my own opinion"?
Without Arabs we wouldn’t have 9/11.
We'd have IX/XI instead.
He finally said something factual
A total disgrace.
What did the black pepper say to his wife after coming out of the grinder?
"Don't worry. I'm fine."
In space, two aliens are talking to each other.
The first alien says, "The dominant life forms on the Earth planet have developed satellite-based nuclear weapons." The second alien asks, "Are they an emerging intelligence?" The first alien says, "I don't think so, they have aimed at themselves"
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
Dog 1: “I’m sad, tell me a joke.” Dog 2:”OK, knock, kn…”
They both run to the door barking wildly.
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
A little girl says to her mother: “Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around”
"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home." So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?" And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet – I'll be talking to my attorney in the morning. Carry on, dear." "Well," says the little girl, "Daddy told me to stay downstairs while they went upstairs, but I followed them without Daddy seeing me, and I saw them hugging and kissing at the top of the stairs. Then they went into your bedroom and shut the door, but I went up and looked through the keyhole." "Clever girl," purrs Mummy. "What could you see through the keyhole?" "I saw them hugging and kissing some more, and then they started to take each other's clothes off, and they carried on until they had nothing on, and then the lady got on the bed and Daddy got on top of her." "Yes?" says Mummy. "And then what happened?" "Then they did what you and Uncle Jack did when Daddy was in Vancouver last year," says the little girl confidently.
A blonde and her boyfriend were going somewhere in a car.
While taking a left turn the boyfriend asks " Babe , can you check if the indicator is working. " The blonde look around and says " Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes No Yes…"
Astronaut 1: hey I can’t find any milk for my coffee
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Someone can be both Presidential and normal Chuck, Trump is neither
I’ve never actually seen someone use a newspaper to kill a spider, shoes work better
Found my first wild one.
Oh no, my PP(E)
I drew a Boomer-Bot
What do Egyptians do if they have a sore back?
Go see a Cairo-practor.
haha man chase woman but not for boobies
An Irish girl tells her mother that she decided to become a prostitute.
Mom: You want to be a WHAT? Daughter: Prostitute. Mom: Oh thank God. I thought you said Protestant.
I’ll always remember what my grandfather said to me just before he kicked the bucket.
He said, "Grandson…How far do you think I can kick this bucket?"
Why do pirates love reddit?
Tis the best place to trade stolen content for gold. Edit: ARRRR! Me farst gold! Much love me matey!
I wonder what my wife’s favourite US state is.
Try to keep up apple
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Chrome: Free RAM is wasted RAM
Baby Yoda’s first word
Probably came after his second word.
What’s the difference between an outlaw and an in-law?
Outlaws are wanted.
Ah shit, here we go again.
Someone help him
What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?
He goes undercover
I really do be like that
The struggle is real.
Still feels true after 8 years…
My wife threatened to kick me out of the house if I did not stop acting like a Flamingo.
That was when I put my foot down!
So then Linux = God?
I think my family is racist
I've been nervous for weeks, but I finally decided to introduce them to my Spanish girlfriend My kids refused to talk to her and my wife started crying and told me to pack my things
That’s about right
Found in my AP US Government textbook
I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician…
I was just sitting around doing nothing.
Can you believe I was thrown out of my church for claiming Jesus spoke with a lisp?
It was a real slap in the faith…
Disappointed to say that this was posted by my own aunt
Personal Protective Equipment
Because husbands are pigs
I see no mistake there, probably it’s a bug
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
Why did nobody laugh when the king farted?
Noble gasses don't cause a reaction
Found this on Facebook. Wife Bad.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
George Foreman named all his kids George Foreman.
He even used the name when he had a little grill.
I hate my wife
4th graders know where it’s at!
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said:
You know, one would have been enough.
A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.
The old guy put his hands in the pockets of his expensive wool vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel.” “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.” “The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system for a month, by the end of which I’d accumulated a fortune of $9.80.” “After that,” the old rich man continued, “I invested the $9.80 into a market stall so I could polish and display a lot more apples. I began making about $50 a month from then on.” “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident.
In court, the trucking company's lawyer was questioning Clyde. "Didn't you say, at the moment of the accident, 'I'm fine.'" asked the lawyer? Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule, Bessie, into the…" "I did not ask you for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?'" Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road." The lawyer interrupted again and said "Judge, I'm trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the highway patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question." By this time the judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule, Bessie." Clyde thanked the judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. When the highway patrolman came on the scene he could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her and saw her near fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then the patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me and said, 'how are you feeling?' Now what the fuck would you say?"
More liberal media bias
My grandma isn’t a fan of her new stairlift.
She says it drives her up the wall.
Bacteria and Funghi Gang
Where are average things made?
In a satisfactory.
Appropriate for the super bowl, impeachment, and black history month
Super Tuesday in one photo
How many people can you fit on a motorcycle in Rio de Janeiro?
About two Brazilian
I’ve often heard icy is the easiest word to spell.
Looking at it now, I see why.
wonder what I can do with this #__DO_NOT_USE__