RIP boiling water. You will be mist :(
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Why couldn’t the coast guard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out
Wife was cleaning 12 year old son’s bedroom
When she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't fucking spank him."
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m out standing in my field…
But hay, it's in my jeans.
Did you hear cheese and meat sales have gone up in India?
Apparently there is a New Delhi.
My three year old girl asked me
"Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation. So I said, "You just ate breakfast, yes?" "Yes." she replied. "Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, and then whatever is left over comes out of our bums when we go to the toilet, and that is poo." She looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
My dad as we drive over train tracks.
I think a train has just passed by here…. Why do you say that dad? Well look there,points….you can see it's tracks.
Why don’t ants get sick
Because they have little anty bodies
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon Fresh.
I’ll let you know.
When my grandfather died, we scattered his remains in the sea.
People at the beach started freaking out though, because we didn’t cremate him.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex…
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
I think my waitress is hungry
She keeps asking how my food is.
The policeman despair when telling the lady to go home is both funny and sad.
https://ift.tt/2UpesFh
A dog gets lost into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution “this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before”.
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace.The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm…that was some good lion meat!". The lion abruptly stops and says "woah!This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can". Over by the tree top,a monkey witnessed everything.Evidently,the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily"get on my back,we'll get him together". So they start rushing back to the dog.The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago… "
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch it might be me.
Australians are geniuses.
One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."
I used to be a man trapped in a woman’s body
Then I was born.
I really need to get this shit off my chest,
and let my girlfriend know I’m not into this fetish.
So President Trump wants to abolish the two term limit on the Presidency.
Welcome back President Obama we missed you.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
Most people know that Sin City is Vegas… But do they know what Den City is?
Mass divided by volume
A man attempted to kill me in my own house last night…
Luckily I was in my living room.
I am opening a new gay club called ‟Garage Sale”
because one man’s junk is another man’s treasure.
Where does a fish keep his money?
In the riverbank
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago, her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the dating world.
Finally, Anna said she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone. Her daughter immediately replied, “Mum I have someone for you to meet.” Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Paris. Their first night there, she undressed as he did. There she stood nude, except for a pair of black lacy panties – he was in his birthday suit. Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black panties?” She replied: “My upper half you can see, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.” He knew he was not getting lucky that night. The following night was the same – she stood there wearing the black panties, and he was in his birthday suit, but now he was wearing a black condom. She looked at him and asked: “What’s with the black condom?” He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected.
I have a rare condition that prevents me from putting on foundation, mascara, eyeliner, etc.
No really, you can’t make this up.
What did the nurse say when she found a rectal thermometer in her pocket?
Some assholes got my pen
How did Billy feel after he dropped his toothpaste?
Crestfallen.
“Can someone give an example of things that are useless?” The teacher asked.
Me: raises hand Teacher: Very good. Any other examples?
Its not anal bleaching
It's changing your ring tone
I just bought two fish I called one one and the other two…
So then when one dies I'll still have two
Why were the melons forced to have a small wedding?
Because they cantaloupe. Courtesy of me sick and loopy at the grocery store.