This pretty much sums it up.
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
How to scam a billion Indians to get a million likes
Want to hear my latest joke about the Fibonacci sequence?
It's as good as my previous two Fibonacci sequence jokes put together!
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
What do they put in IPhone batteries?
Apple juice
How much does it cost a pirate to pierce his ears?
A buck-an-ear
Why wasn’t Cinderella allowed to play soccer?
Because she kept running away from the ball
a skelepun
so, being a fan of Undertale, i know a skeleton of skelepuns. lemme tell ya, they’re all rib ticklers.
My landlord wants to talk to me about my high heating bills every month.
I said, “Sure. My door is always open.”
My grandma is in her 90’s and she still doesn’t need glasses…
She just drinks straight out of the bottle…
What did 50 cent do when he got hungry?
58. Edit: I genuinely didn’t know this was a repost my dad told it to me and I thought it was worthy.
How do you know if an ant is a male or a female?
They're all females, otherwise they'd be uncles
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Apparently my snoring is so loud that
I scare everyone in the car I'm driving
To the person that stole my broken bathroom scale,..
You won’t get a weigh with this!
Think you know everything about the letter t?
That's just the half of it.
I was visiting my cousin and he just blew through a red light …
I yelled, "Are you crazy?!" He waved me off, saying, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was red too, and he just sailed on through again. "You're gonna get us killed," I shouted. And he again replied, "It's OK, my brother does it all the time." The next light was green, so I was feeling better, but my cousin slammed on the brakes. I asked, "Now what?" He said, "Gotta be careful, my brother might be coming the other way."
Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
At midnight it will officially be Ramones time.
2020, 24 hours to go…
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
It takes guts to be an organ donor
No text found
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
I went to a zoo today which only had a dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance,
Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness. She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old. He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much. “I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and I hope you could deal with that once we are married.” She said, “Yes I will marry you and learn to live with your infant penis.” Sandy and Jim got married and they could not wait so Jim whisked Sandy off to their hotel suite and they started touch teasing, holding one another. As Sandy put her hands in Jim’s pants, she began to scream and ran out of the room! Jim ran after her to find out what was wrong. She said, “You told me your penis was the size of an infant!” “Yes it is: 8 pounds, 7 ounces, 19 inches long!”
I feel sorry for the children of same-sex couples
You either have to put up with twice the number of Dad jokes, or you're stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother".
How do you know when a Reddit user has left their hotel?
Their username checks out.
9/11 Jokes aren’t funny.
But the other 2 are.
There are 10 types of people in this world.
Those who understand binary, and those who don't.
I asked my friend if he knew a pachyderm famous for its trunk. He suggested Dumbo.
But that was Ear-Elephant.
21st century: your vacuum cleaner makes no noise, your AC makes no noise, your washing machine makes no noise, your electric car makes no noise…
The city's street cleaning wagon is as noisy as Apollo 11 taking off
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate
A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate. During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between him and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, the son volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, we are just roommates." About a week later, his roommate came to him saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver plate. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" He said ,"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." He sat down and wrote : Dear Mother: I'm not saying that you ‘did' take the silver plate from my house, I'm not saying that you ‘did not' take the silver plate .. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, your son Several days later, he received an email from his Mother which read: Dear Son: I'm not saying that you ‘do' sleep with your roommate, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not' sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the silver plate by now, under the pillow… Love, Mom.
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
Facebook keeping important infrastructure out of the hands of junior developers
https://ift.tt/2CRGaB3
Doctor hands me my baby
Doctor: I’m sorry sir your wife didn’t make it I hand the baby back Me: can you please bring me one my wife did make please?
Santa hit a dragon and killed it whilst flying over medieval England…
… guess you could say he sleighed it
This new diet is working pretty well
I'm at my lowest weight of the year so far
Park rangers told us not to leave any wrappers inside the car because bears might break in…
Bears must really like Hip-Hop.
I went shopping in two different stores today for alcohol and, both times, was asked to remove my sunglasses.
I guess I must've looked shady. [Based on a true story!]