This pun is only 1 star
A stormy night.
A loud knocking on the door wakes a man and his wife in the middle of a stormy night. The man opens the door to a stranger, who asks him for a push. "No way!" says the husband, slamming the door shut in the stranger's face. "Who was that?" calls his wife. "Just some drunk asking for a push", he answers, "it's 3 am and pouring heavily out there!" " You should be ashamed", his wife replies, "don't you remember that time when we broke down and those two guys helped us out? You should go and help him." Sighing, the man pulls on his coat and heads out into the pouring rain. "Hello? " He calls out in the dark. "Do you still need a push?" "Yes, please", comes the reply. "Where are you?" the husband calls out. "Over here", the drunk replies, "On the swing".
My father’s name is Lee. My name is Riley.
As a kid, if I ever said the word “apparently”, he would interrupt to shout “A Son Riley!”
I only believe in about 12% of the bible…
I’m an eighthiest
If Hooters closes and becomes delivery only…
…would they have to change their name to Knockers?
What do pigs learn in the army?
Ham to ham combat
Why can’t you stay up until the cows come home?
Because it’s pasture bedtime.
Put some desks and a blackboard in my living room today…
To make it more classy…
What kind of bird is always in pain?
The oooowwwwwwwwwwl
What did the cowboy say when he was reborn?
What incarnation?!
A new patient arrived at a mental hospital.
A doctor came to greet him. "Good morning, sir. What's your name?", the doctor asked. "I am John F. Kennedy", the patient replied. "Oh, well I believe you'll fit in here quite well. We have a lot of former presidents at our hospital." "I'm not a president. I'm an airport."
[NSFW]An old dark joke
A kid returns home after playing baseball only to find his sister having sex with someone. He doesnt make a sound and hides in the closet. When their parents come home the man rushes and hides in the same closet. The kid whispers, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "Yes, what do you want?" "I have this awesome baseball gloves. Do you wanna buy it for $100?" "No, its expensive" "If you dont buy it, I am gonna tell my dad" "Alright fine" The kid forces the man to buy it and as promised he doesnt make a fuss. A week later, the same thing happens again. He returns home, see his sister having sex with the same guy and again hides in the closet. Once again, when the parents return home, the man hides in the closet. The kid starts, "Its dark in here, right?" The man again replies, "Yes, what do you want this time?" "I have this amazing baseball bat. Wanna buy it for $200?" "No go away" "If you dont buy it, I'll tell my dad" "Okay, fine" The kid forces the man to buy his bat as well. With his earned $300, he goes to a shop and buys a good console and starts playing it in his home. When his dad asks how he got this, he replies that he sold his bat and gloves to a stranger and used that money to buy it. Being concerned, the dad takes the kid to the church and asks the Priest to make him understand. The Priest brings the kid to the prayer room. The kid laughs, "Its dark in here, right?" The man replies, "You start that again and I'll beat the shit out of you"
I’ve just been banned from r/childfree.
Apparently it's not the best place to list your kids when you're trying to give them away.
What are the letters in the Pirate alphabet?
I, I, R, and the seven Cs.
Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?
Because they stick. I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.
Sorry sir, we don’t serve time travelers here
A time traveler walks into a bar
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did…
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple. "Who is it?" "It's Mark." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia." "Very well son, come in." Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia." "Very well son, come in." At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John." Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York." "Very well son, come in." Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas!" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE DEA!"
A man walked into a bar.
A man walked into a bar and asked the bartender : "What can you serve as a non – alcoholic beverage?" Bartender: "We have mango juice" Man: "I have a cold. Ju would be fine."
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary
What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous
For a woman, romance is roses on a piano.
For a man, it’s tulips on an organ.
I once saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg
I asked him: "I bet i could guess your favourite holiday" He Replied: "Have to love Easter, baby."
How many magicians does it take to pull a rabbit out of a hat?
One. It's a trick question.
What do call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?
He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.
What do you call it when Batman skips church?
Christian Bail
A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.
Nobody could control Hispanic.
What’s the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes…
Why did the hipster burn his mouth?
He drank his coffee before it was cool.
Flying the Confederate flag doesn’t make you a racist.
It’s usually the other way around.
A man is walking in the woods when he finds a suitcase.
He opens the suitcase and inside are three foxes. So he calles emergency services and says "I just found three foxes in a suitcase. What should I do?" "Well," the operator said, "Are they moving?" "I don't know," he said, "But that would explain the suitcase."
You know you’re a spoilt child.
When you get an early Christmas present in January.
Why don’t ghosts go into gyms?
Because people are exorcising.
What’s the difference between a garbanzo bean and a chick pea?
I’ve never had a garbanzo bean on my face before.
Why did Disney make frozen 2?
Because they couldn't let it go
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
