This “rainbow” only appears when it’s raining out (punny rain-activated street art)
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 bird on a fence and you shoot 1
Teacher: Billy if there are 5 birds on a fence and you shoot 1 how many birds are left? Billy: None the others would fly away at the sound of the gun. Teacher: The answer is 4 but I like the way you think. Billy: I have a question Miss. There are 3 women eating ice cream cones. 1 licking, 1 biting, and 1 sucking, which one is married? Teacher blushing, nervously answers “the one sucking.” Billy: The answer is the one wearing the wedding ring, but I like the way you think.
How many dead bodies does it take to change a light bulb?
Well, it's not 6, cause my basement is still dark
The Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life!”
But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
My dog once retrieved a stick from 1 mile away
I know, it sounds a little far fetched.
Dad: I’m giving all your toys to the orphanage
Kid: Why are you doing that? Dad: So you won't get bored there
When I was about 9 years old, my father forced me to go with him to the funeral of a friend of his, that I didn’t know.
When we got there, I stayed in a corner, waiting for time to pass by. Then a man approached me and said, "Enjoy life boy, be happy because time flies. Look at me now…. I didn't enjoy it." He then passed his hand over my head and left. My father, before leaving, forced me to say goodbye to the dead person. When I looked in the coffin, I was startled that the man who was talking to me when I was in the corner was the same man in the coffin! For several years later, I was not able to sleep properly. With repeated nightmares and psychological disorder, I was terrified of being alone. I visited many psychologists. I didn't turn off the light at night and several other turmoil that I had to endure throughout my adolescent ages…. Years later I discovered something incredible that changed my life. That dead idiot had a twin brother.
He’s going to want legal immunity in exchange for leaving after he gets beat.
https://ift.tt/34feAtl
My favorite pornstar died last night.
I woke up today with mourning wood.
If I had a dime for every time I didn’t understand what’s going on, I’d be like…
"Why y'all keep giving me all these dimes?"
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools, so that children can’t eat?”
"Canteens?" he asked. "No, it doesn't matter what age," I replied.
And the Lord said onto John ” Come Forth and ye shall receive eternal life.”
But sadly John came in fifth and only received a toaster.
My buddy just told me he needs major surgery: he’s having half his intestine removed.
(excuse my grammar that should be a semi-colon)
Boy asks, “Granny, have u seen my pills, they’re marked LSD”
Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"
Why did the tofu cross the road?
To prove it was just as good as chicken!
Don’t Stop
A Frenchman and an Italian were seated next to an Englishman on an overseas flight. After a few cocktails, the men began discussing their home lives. “Last night I made love to my wife four times,” the Frenchman bragged, “and this morning she made me delicious crepes and she told me how much she adored me.” “Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times,” the Italian responded, “and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette and told me she could never love another man.” When the Englishman remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked, “And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?” “Once,” he replied. Only once?” the Italian arrogantly snorted. “And what did she say to you this morning?” “Don’t stop.”
A snake walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, “How did you do that?”.
Today I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
Then she noticed me so we went for a run.
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down
A saw a man with the hood on his coat jumping up and down. People were going crazy, throwing money at it. I asked him if he makes a living like that, he said, "Yes, it's my livelihood."
I went to a beautiful wedding this weekend.
It was so emotional. Even the cake was in tiers.
I told my wife that I don’t want to have children.
The kids are taking it pretty hard.
A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.
Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist. So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on her nipples and over her breasts. This should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up, and you won’t be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it. The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said, “Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday”
I can’t believe Kim Jon Un wants to nuke South Korea
Does he have no Seoul
Physics is full of problems
And chemistry is full of solutions
I called the tinnitus hotline
It didn't stop ringing
I am a little confused about why everyone keeps giving me legos for my birthday
I don't know what to make of it
Advice needed: I was asked to turn on a light bulb.
And I suck at flirting. I’m in the dark on this one.
The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony
If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this: "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes like this: "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And then there's a round of applause and everyone take their bows and and exits stage right. The conductor had a great idea though, and the basses practiced this in the weeks leading up to the concert. The would play their first note "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And then they would quietly lay down their basses on provided carpets, and exit the stage – waiting patiently to return an hour and a half later to play their final note: "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" The night of the concert arrives, everyone is dressed to the nines (as is appropriate of course). The basses are shined and everyone is relaxed and ready. The conducter taps on his conducter's stand to get attention, raises his hands and with a gallant downstroke the basses play the ever living shit out of their note "bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" And then quietly lay down their instruments on the provided carpets and step behind the curtain. This is where things go awry, "Hey guys," says the lead bass "I have a great idea. There's a bar across the street and we have at least an hour and a half before we play our next note. Let's slip across and have a couple pints!" Everyone thinks this is a fantastic idea, so the entire section hops along to the bar and downs a couple pints. One of the second basses after a while gets a little conserned and asks the lead bass if it was time to go back. "No, we got time. See, I tied a string to the last page of the conductors score attached to a transciever. When he gets to that section I'll get a buzz on my phone and we can head back." Everyone thinks that this is brilliant so they knock back a few more pints before suddenly the lead bass stands up and announces it's time to go. They bounce back across the street, through the musicians entrance, and up to the curtain to peek through and sure enough, they're right on time. So they slip through, pick up their instruments and look up at the conductor and…he is angry. Super angry. Ready to bust a blood vessel angry. But you would be too wouldn't you? It was the bottom of the ninth, the basses were loaded, and the score was tied.
The French fencer
There once was a famous French fencer. He learned how to fence at a young age and honed his skills over time, his prowess with the foil unmatched in all of France. After defeating all French contenders, he moved on to defeat fencers in nearby countries, eventually becoming the best in Europe. As his ego grew, so did his desire to put on a show. He staged fencing events in different environments; from sword fights in the Himalayas to duels in shark tanks, he won match after match. One day, he decided to host a fencing match in a submarine, which would be broadcasted to millions of viewers. When the day arrived, he was confident in his ability, but his opponent was relentless. Rather than being a pushover like the previous contenders, the match consisted of back-and-forth thrusts and lunges, with both participants straining to concentrate under the din of clashing metal. Eventually, both participants reached a tie of 14 points, meaning whoever received the next point would be the winner. The French fencer went for a feint, but his opponent was not fooled. It was quickly parried and his opponent sent a blinding return thrust into his sensor, earning the last point. The French fencer was devastated. After so many years of training and so many years of being undefeated, his reign was over. He turned to confide in the captain of the ship. What could’ve been the reason? Was it the pressure from so many viewers? Or was the water pressure from being deep-sea throwing off his game? The captain looked at him and replied, “don’t stress about it son. Ripostes are pretty common in this sub.”
Why is every gender equality officer female?
Because it's cheaper.
What has two butts and kills people?
An assassin
What do you call an overweight psychic?
A four-chin teller.