This reaction template is so overused
You ever wonder if the reason Star Wars movies came out the order they came out was because Yoda was in charge of the release dates?
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
Him : I’m a programmer Her : Never mindProgrammersNeverSleep
So I bought her a candle…
The attack made headlines.
Later in my life, I learned that condoms only work 99% of the time.
She's my cross aunt.
I’ve had it right up to here with them!
I was in a medieval literature class in college and the professor asked the class, "what can we tell about courtly love." To which I respond, "well, she wasn't much help to Kurt Cobain." No one laughed while I beamed with pride at my joke.
I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.” He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .” “Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.” As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.” “Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.” “Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.” “More'n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?” “Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
But I think deep down they know nothing could be father from the truth.
She had to. We only had one chair.
So I always made sure I kept my distance from my teacher Mr Dickinson
They don't, they arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for being black.
Teacher: What’s the monomer of rubber? Me: Is it monobber?
A moosician. This joke was proudly brought to you by a six year old. He’ll be a great dad one day.
A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?” The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
I don't know how I feel about that. (Credit to 30 Rock. Thought it fit here)
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
Student : "So you're saying both fields are good, but without an attempt to understand the universe, the search for deeper mathematical truth is empty?" Professor : "I'm saying you'll spend most of undergrad doing math."
A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
"Look at their reserve, their calm," mused the Brit. "They must be British." "Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and quite beautiful. Clearly, they are French." "No way! They have no clothing and no shelter," the Russian points out. "They have only an apple to eat, and they are being told they live in a paradise. Obviously, they are Russian."
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“No son, have you seen my dad glasses?”
Can’t say that I‘m surprised
The husband tells his wife; I bet 20$ that you cant say something that will make me happy and sad at the same time. The wife thinks for a second and says: you have the biggest dick out of all your friends.
Who’s there? Hike. Hike who? Warm midnight falling. Stars shining, dancing brightly. Peaceful all at once
"Where?" "No. Just the regular kind."
…then it dawned on me.
It scares the shit out of the dog.