This really didn’t need an elaboration
WHERE’S MY OTHER FUCKING HAND?
The remaining 2 jumped out of the way.
Because their horns don’t work.
Italian man: Why? Judge: It's a fine. Italian man: (quietly) It's a not…
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
He says, "uno, dos…" poof … He disappeared without a tres.
Water because butane is a lighter fluid.
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
…emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. "Human beings are the only animals that stutter", she says. A little girl raises her hand "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered", she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident. "Well", she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!" "That must've been scary", said the teacher. "It sure was", said the little girl. "My kitty raised his back, went 'Ffffff, Ffffff, Ffffff'….And before he could say ‘fuck', the Rottweiler ate him!"
he was very self absorbed.
They all sit down and order a cup of tea. The Englishman looks to his wife and says “could you pass the honey, honey?” The Scottish man thinks to himself how clever that was, then turns to his wife and says “could you pass the sugar, sugar?” The Irish man – not wanting to be out witted by the other two men – looks over at his wife and says “Could you pass me the milk ye fucking cow?”
The plot thickens
Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex there and then. God, I love my new Taser.
Too many Maine characters.
Now I can crunch numbers AND numb crunchers.
Some tourists in the Museum of Natural History are marveling at some dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the dinosaur bones are?" The guard replies, "They are 65,000,011 years old." "That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their age so precisely?" The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were sixty five million years old when I started working here, and that was eleven years ago."
Son: Why did you do that? Father: So you will not be bored there.
Now I'm a werehouse.
He removed the Mariah Carey Christmas CD, and now it’s fine.
One shoots but never hits, the other hoots but never shits.
I sat next to baby on a ten hour flight. I didn’t think it was possible for someone to cry for ten hours straight.
Even the baby was impressed I pulled it off.
He kept warning them until they got sick of it and kicked him out of the theater.
50 Cents featuring Nickel back
You use spring water.
“You can tune a guitar but you can’t tune a fish” “What about the pot of glue” “I knew you’d get stuck on that”
I I started to feel funny. I had some pain in my chest and felt short of breath. I chalked it up to the long day we had just had, but I continued to feel worse. As we got out of the taxi and walked into the hotel, I collapsed. It became apparent to my wife and I that I was having a heart attack. I thought for sure I would die because the nearest hospital was 1/2 hour away. Suddenly from the back room came a woman wielding defibrillators. She shouted to the other staff to help and they ripped off my shirt and restarted my heart right there in the hotel. The ambulance arrived 20 minutes later, but thanks to this amazing woman my life had been saved. I spent the night in the hospital but I got out around noon the next day. I went back to the hotel to thank this woman. I said, “I’m amazed that a hotel this small has a full time doctor as skilled as yourself!” She replied, “No one expects the Spanish Inn physician.”
Honestly, he couldn't give a fuck.
He wanted badly to take some of his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his lawyer to his bedside. "Here's $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my money with me." At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin. Riding away in a limousine, the priest suddenly broke into tears and confessed, "I had only put $20,000 into the envelope because I needed $10,000 for a new baptistery." "Well, since we're confiding in each other," said the doctor, "I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new machine at the hospital which cost $20,000." The lawyer was aghast. "I'm ashamed of both of you," he exclaimed. "I put in a cheque for the full amount."
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
It’s not the end of the word.
That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.
One turns to other and says, "Its awfully quiet on deck tonight. Isn't it?" Other recruit replies, "Everyone must be watching the band." "There is no band on this ship." "No, I definitely heard the captain say, a band on ship."
…it smells like burnt nose hair?