This really didn’t need an elaboration
My dad can’t be the only one that does this
My dad can’t be the only one that does this
Did you know the first French fry wasn’t cooked in France?
It was cooked in Greece
My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough…
At least, that’s what it says in her diary…
One day an engineer was crossing a road when
a frog called out to him and said "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and put it back to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do anything you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What's the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you forever and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer replied, "Hey, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."
My Gran said to me, “Young men of today just aren’t as polite and charming as they were when I was young.”
I had to explain, “That’s because they aren’t trying to fuck you now.”
I love pressing the F5 key.
It's very refreshing.
Dads are like boomerangs
I hope
After my grandfather died, I inherited some of his clothes.
He was a farmer and he loved getting dressed up every year for the local fair and exhibiting his prize chickens. For this occasion, my grandmother would spend the entire year searching through thrift shops looking for silly neckties for him to wear, and she loved finding ones with chickens on them. After a few decades of this, my grandfather had amassed several dozen neckties, each one with cartoony images of chickens flying around, laying eggs, and doing other chicken things. I always complimented him on the newest addition to his collection. When he died a couple of years ago, he bequeathed them to me in his will. When my grandmother handed me the bag full of them, my eyes welled with tears and I smiled, thinking about my grandfather looking in the mirror and straightening his tie. Why am I telling you all of this? Because the last time I tried to tell this to someone and I didn't give context, they thought it was weird that I was so excited about inheriting my dead grandfather's hen tie collection.
As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air. She then folded her arms and huffed, “You never make the first move.
“Jesus!” I said as I rolled my eyes. “Every night it’s the same thing.” “Well you don’t!” she moaned. “It’s always me and quite frankly I’m fed up with it. And before you start, it’s nothing to do with you being black.” “It is,” I said. “No, it isn’t,” she said. “You know what?” I said as I jumped out of the bed. “You can stick the fcuking chessboard up your ass.”
How do you clean up after a spitroast sex?
With 2-in-1 shampoo.
A man rushes into the doctors’ office and screams, “Doctor, Doctor! I swallowed one of those ‘do not eat’ packets in a bag of pepperoni! Am I going to die?” The doctor tries to relax him by saying, “Well, everyone is going to die eventually.”
The man shrieks and responds, "Everyone?! Oh lord, what have I done?"
A cruise ship passes by a remote island, and all the passengers see a bearded man running around and waving his arms wildly. “Captain,” one of the passenger asks, “who is that man over there?”
"I have no idea," the captain says, "but he goes nuts every year when we pass him."
I walked in on my Grandma sucking grandads dick last night…
I dont know why it wasn't cremated with the rest of him?
What a stark contrast between a functional Government and the Trump administration
https://ift.tt/3bfP76d
What does a pear tree do before growing it’s fruit?
It pre-pears
Winnie the
A group of kindergartners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. "You need to use 'big people' words," she'd always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit my Nana." "No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use big people words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said, "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. Use big people words." She then asked Little Johnny what he had done. "I read a book," he replied. "That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" Little Johnny thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said, "Winnie the Shit."
I was once in an airplane when I realized the pilot didn’t pass any proper training
He was just winging it
Last year i was depressed and miserable,
But this year I've turned it around, I'm miserable and depressed
I just said “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn't get the job.
My body is nicely defined.
If you look up the word "flabby".
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender says, “No pets allowed.”
The man replies, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals, and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" The man replies, "I don't know. I've only had him for 7 years."
MOVIE RATINGS EXPLAINED
G: Nobody gets the girl. PG: The good guy gets the girl. R: The bad guy gets the girl. X: Everybody gets the girl!
To the guy who invented zero
Thanks for nothing
So, no nut November has been over for about a week…
About how long should it take for them to grow back?
I signed up for my company’s 401k but I have one concern
I’m not sure I can run that far
What is Forrest Gump password
1forrest1
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make
Then they call me Ugly and Poor
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
After being single for ages, my best mate said, “Can I set you up?”
I said, "Go on then" Now I'm doing twelve years for a crime I didn't commit.
Why did the perverted cat get arrested?
Because he got caught watching kitty porn.
I’m addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
It's really hard to quit cold turkey