This should be here…
I told my teenage niece to go get me a newspaper…
She laughed at me, and said, "Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone." So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.
A guy gets pulled over for speeding and the officer says,
"What's your name son"? He replied. "D-d-d-dav-dav-David sir". The officer looks at him suspiciously and says, "Oh, do you have a stutter"? The guy replied, "No, my dad has a stutter, and the guy who filled out my birth certificate is an asshole".
I failed a health and safety course yesterday. One of the questions was ‘in the event of a fire, what steps would you take?’
‘Large ones’ was apparently the wrong answer.
A woman was in some distress one day when she locked herself out of her car.
An army man was walking by in the car park so she waved him over and said "excuse me can you help me, I've locked myself out". "Sure" he says. So he takes off his pants and rubs them against the door and as if by magic the door unlocked. "Wow" said the woman, "how did you do that?" He replies "These are my khakis".
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
My neighbor stole my dictionary
I have no words
A man tried to sell me a coffin today. I told him that’s the last thing I need.
This joke has me dead.
I just found an enormous ravine so full of precious metals, I immediately came in my pants.
It was a huge ore chasm.
Ok,so if corona virus isn’t about beer,
Why do I keep hearing about cases of it?
A fly felt something bite his back…
Fly: "Hmmm. Whoever that was must be pretty small to fit on my back" "Hey! What are you? A mite? " Mite: " Yeah, as in I MIGHT have just bit you hahaha!" Fly: "That's the worst pun I've ever heard." Mite: "What can I say, I came up with it on the fly."
Made a little something you can send to people who should just use a search engine
https://ift.tt/3h73Eon
Dad…I have an imaginary girlfriend
His dad says,” you know..you could do better, right?” “Thanks dad. That means a lot.” “I wasn’t talking to you. I was talking to your girlfriend.”
One day I’ll pretend to be gay. I’ll make lots of female friends, gain their trust. Become their confidant, and when they least expected…BAAM!!!
I'll have sex with their boyfriends
![[OC] Guess The Pun #47 – Suffix to say… (x-post from r/puns)](https://jokejet.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/03/no_image_card-1-400x247.png)
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, recently received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy. "Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging. There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife." "That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit." "That'll be me then," said Paddy.
I went for a job interview today and the manager said, “We’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well, I’m your man.” I replied, “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong, they said I was responsible.”
Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn’t want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?
Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot.
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That's when I went to Yale. Interviewer: Thats pretty impressive. You're hired. Me: Thank you, I really need this Yob.
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one orders a beer, the second one orders half a beer, the third one orders a quarter, and the fourth one orders one eighth of a beer. The bartender stops them, pours two beers and says,"you guys should know your limits."
Kim Jong Un decided to send Donald Trump a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still alive.
Trump opened the letter which appeared to contain a single-line coded message: 370HSSV – 0773H Trump was baffled, so he emailed it to the his aides, who had no clue either, so they sent it to the FBI No one could solve it at FBI, so it went to the CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, FBI finally asked MSS (Ministry of State Security in China for help. Within a few seconds MSS cabled back with this reply: "Tell The President he's holding the message upside down."
A charity worker stopped me in the street and asked if I fancied taking part in a marathon.
I was going to decline but he told me it was for disabled kids and children with severe learning difficulties. I thought, fuck me, I might win this
If the new SONY car ever breaksdown
You'll have to Walkman.
“Son In Iraq I killed 15 people.”
Son: Dad, you were a helicopter mechanic. Dad: Never said I was a good one.
I just bought a pirate GPS…
It tells you exactly where you arrrr!!!
What does a clock do when it’s hungry?
It goes back four seconds.
So a group of nuns is golfing near some men
A man swings his club and fails to hit the ball. Man: God damnit, I missed. A nun shakes her head in disapproval. The man swings again and misses yet again Man: Damnit, I missed again! Nun: Sir, if you keep on swearing like that, you're gonna go to hell. The man then laughs and dismisses the nun's comment. He makes one more attempt at hitting the ball, but to no avail. Man: God fucking damnit! The sky then goes dark, a lightning bolt strikes the nun, and you can hear a thundery voice say, "God damnit, I missed."
My son asked me: Dad did you get shot in the army?
No son. I got shot in the leggy
