This should be illegal
[presidential test post]
pls ignore
What’s the most cryptic animal language?
Horse code
My daughter keeps pestering me to check her hair for lice
I think it’s just all in her head (I can’t believe it took me this long to find this subreddit, I love it! BTW first attempt at a dad joke!)
Since it started raining my wife just stares sadly through the stupid window …
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
Trump & Obama are in a barber shop…
Getting fresh cuts and shaves. They’re sitting right next to each other. Everyone is on edge; nobody is saying a word. Trump’s shave finishes first and the barber asks if he wants aftershave. Trump smells it and says “No way! That stuff smells like a whorehouse! I go home smelling like that and Melania’s going to think I was up all night fucking whores bigly! It will get me in so much trouble!” Obama’s shave finishes and his barber asks Obama if he wants aftershave. Obama says, “Sure! My wife doesn’t know what a whorehouse smells like.”
If you don’t clean your dirty hair, you’ll get a louse.
If you don't clean your house, you'll get a dirty lair.
Knock Knock
Who’s there? Daisy. Daisy who? Daisy me rollin’ they hatin’
You can tell an ant’s gender by putting it in water
If it drowns, girl ant. If it floats, buoyant.
Why is it good to have a crab as a friend?
They'll come through for you in a pinch
My girlfriend refuses to use the sauna alone.
Self-steam issues.
I bought a new pair of gloves today…
…but they're both "lefts". Which on the one hand is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
I have many jokes about unemployed people,
sadly none of them work.
Here you have some cocaine, but remember
With great powder comes great responsability
I should apologize to my toilet…
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
Why are there only 239 beans in a can?
If there’s one more, it would be too farty.
I just donated 100$ to a charity for blind children
But I doubt they'll ever see any of the money
Telltale games is closing down.
'No matter what choices were made the outcome was going to be the same' said a spokesman
Out of all the inventions in the last 100 years
The dry erase board is probably the most remarkable
I told my boss I was coming in to work dressed as my dad for Halloween.
I didn’t show up.
I have a good Tupperware joke
but the punchline doesn't fit, its from another Tupperware joke
My son asked me “Dad, what are condoms used for?”
Me: Usually to avoid answering questions like these.
Professor told dirty jokes in class
Professor told dirty jokes in class and the women wanted to protest it. So they decided that in the next time that the professor will start with these kinds of jokes,they all will leave the class as a protest. Somehow the professor heard about the protest. In the next lecture,in the beginning of the lecture he said : "in Sweden a prostitute makes $2000 per night." All the women stood up and started to leave the class. So he shouted after them : "Where are you going? The plane to Sweden doesn't take off until the afternoon. "
Thank goodness Reddit is back up
I was almost productive for a second there!
My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.
I told him, "That makes two of us".
I wish I could be ugly for one day.
Being ugly every day sucks.
I was telling jokes about nuts and bolts
But then I screwed up.
Why did the girl fall in the well?
She didn't see that well.
Wanna hear something funny? Quarantine.
It’s an inside joke.