This shouldn’t be relatable
Q: Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
A: In case he got a hole in one.
My girlfriend’s gynaecologist followed her on Instagram yesterday.
I really don't know what else he wants to see.
I’ve recently been asking people what LGBTQ means
No ones been able to give me a straight answer yet
If having sex for money makes you a whore…
Then does having sex for free make you a non-profit whoreganisation?
I'm the Dad. So, we're driving around and we see a "Mobile Paper Shredder" truck. Me: "I don't have any mobile paper." (good Dad joke, right?) Her: "It's all stationary."
Last Christmas we bought a fake Christmas tree…
The guy at the counter asked my dad "are you going to put it up yourself?" To which my dad responded "don't be disgusting… I'm going to put it in the living room."
Pretty important things
I work with a lot of web developers
How do you murder mass?
The projector in chief
Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.
"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room. Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"
Why did the bucket bounce?
Because it was filled with spring water.
Replayed Sly Cooper as an adult… Bentley’s knowledge is “questionable”
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?
Great food but just no atmosphere.
First recording of a Pride flag
Today’s cartoon in Norwegian newspaper VG
Mitchy don’t like his own medicine
Whoever stole my Microsoft office account ID, I will find you.
You have my Word.
If you didn’t take a picture, you didn’t eat it
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
This PC at my campus is updating for future…
Boomers got the meat
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"
Let’s talk about fairness, Mitch.
int water; Math.sqrt(water);
You’ve been Ginsberged
that’s why you should learn about Algorithms
guns are good !
Poor X Æ A-12
Nice lay-up officer
How do you get Trump to change a lightbulb?
Tell him Obama put it in
“Ok MAGA”. Here is the plan!
Philadelphia is known for more than their cream cheese
Social media bad (never seen that before)
Most likely been done before, but i whipped this up quick.
I just want to push buttons
You can actually nut during November.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts.
Stars be like
Shock the pool
What’s the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them work
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
This group chat with my in-laws is a gold mine of boomer humor
Fun fact- Trump is a record setting President
i or j, take it or leave it
I bought my son a refrigerator for his birthday.
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Joe wanted to buy a motorbike.
He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and it's going to rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain." Saying so, he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline. That night, his girlfriend, Sandra, invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. Just before they enter the house, Sandra stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in. When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes." "No problem," he says. And in they go. Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes. In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes. They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word. As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation and leans over and kisses Sandra. No one says a word. So he reaches over and fondles her breasts. Still, nobody says a word. So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and fucks her right there, in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down, but no one says a word. He looks at her mom. "She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her n every position right there on the dinner table. Now his girlfriend is furious and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence. All of a sudden there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket. Suddenly the father backs away from the table and shouts, "All right, that's enough, I'll do the fucking dishes."
How long has this person been using a sun shield this way?
Marie Curie learned the hard way
How are condoms and poop bags alike?
If either one breaks at the wrong time, you could have a little shit on your hands.
How come you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they are really good at it.
Literally every single element*
My wife asked me whether my friends and I experimented with drugs and sex when we were in high school.
I said, “Yes. But I was part of the control group.”
Ooh that had to hurt
My wife asked me whether I experimented with sex and drugs when I was in high school, and I said Yes.
Unfortunately I was part of the control group.
Yet they still will..