THIS SHOW WAS GREATđ
A friend of mine claims he can throw a stick 5 miles and his pet dog will retrieve it.
I think that's a bit far fetched.
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married.
I figured it'd be confusing if we were both called Keith
Son: What rhymes with orange?
Dad: No, it doesnât
Itâs okay if you have no idea what âprefixâ means.
Itâs not the end of the word.
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
My nerdy friend just got a Ph.D. on the history of palindromes.
We now call him Dr.Awkward.
A Man has been Stealing the tires of Police cars..
Police are working Tirelessly to catch him.
Like seriously what are they talking about??
Like seriously what are they talking about??
Why is the Australian emergency line isâ000â?
Because itâll look the same when your phone is upside down.
The exact moment a “states rights” president claims total authority over them.
https://ift.tt/3eiMGlz
The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.
I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.
What does COVID and riding a motorcycle have in common?
You can do everything right but other people can still fuck you over.
My 7 year old’s first comeback line
My son has asd and though he loves to read jokes and tries to understand why they are funny, introducing wit to him has been difficult. It was more of a surprise than a joke but here goes. We recently moved to India and my wife is missing outdoors and Europe and today she said – oh I really want to go to Disneyland! To which my son said- and I really want a twister! ( Ice lolly). My wife looked at him doting on his innocence and said- Baby your dreams are so simple and innocent! To which my son replied- yeah and yours probably won't come true!
How do you get a mouse to smile
You say Cheese!
A wife is speaking to her husband…
Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing Iâd like to donate. Husband: why not just throw it in the trash? Thatâs much easier. Wife: but there are poor starving people who could really use all of these clothes. Husband: honey, anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.
An English couple decided to adopt a little German boy. After two years, the child doesnât speak and his parents start to worry about him. After three years, he still has not spoken and after four years, he has yet to utter a word.
The English couple figure he is never going to speak but he is still a lovely child, and on his next birthday, they threw him a party and made him a chocolate cake with orange icing. The parents are in the kitchen when the boy comes in and says, âMother, Father, I do not care for the orange icing on the chocolate cake.â My God,â says his mother. âYou can speak?â To which the German boy replies, âOf course.â "How come you've never spoken before?â asks his father. âWell,â says the boy, âup until now, everything has been satisfactory.â
My dentist removed the wrong tooth.
It was accidental.
What’s the difference between The Sahara and Jello
One is an inhospitalble desert and the other is an in hospital dessert.
I killed a chicken last week
Now I Think Iâm getting haunted by a poultrygeist
Why did the condom fly accross the room?
It was pissed off…
Why are tight pants like a cheap hotel?
No ballroom
A good girl doesnt kiss until the third date…
Sure makes for awkward sex on the first two
2020 Divided by 5 is 404, So the Whole Year is an Error.
And now we have a virus.
Why is Donald Trump happy about the impeachment result?
Because itâs the first time heâs gotten the most votes.
What’s the difference between yogurt and America?
If you leave yogurt alone for 200 years it develops a culture
Got home to find my wife had left a note on the fridge that said “This isn’t working I’m going to my mum’s”
I opened up the fridge. The light was on and the beer was cold. I'm not sure what she was talking about.
Where did the Swedish cross country race end?
The Finnish line
Cardi B has a sister whoâs a fitness instructor…
Her name is Cardi O!
Ducking Hilarious Dad Joke
How did the duck fail to rob a bank? It couldn't quack the safe!
Jews foreskin be like
[removed]
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates. The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time.
After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Today we are learning about mitosis!
Now, Iâm gonna need your undivided attention.
Why are people with foot fetish losers?
Because they like to taste defeat.
1 out of 5 people suffer from loneliness
So, if you look around and you donât see the other 4 people, theyâre out having fun without you.
A married Irishman went into the confessional…
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, âI almost had an affair with another woman.â The priest said, âWhat do you mean, almost?â The Irishman said, âWell, we got undressed, naked and rubbed together, but then I stopped.â The priest said, âRubbing together is the same as putting it in. Youâre not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Maryâs and put $50 in the poor box.â The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, âI saw that, You didnât put any money in the poor box!â The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, thatâs the same as putting it in!â My mother told this joke… I dont know if its original
To the person who stole my lamp, my coffee and my parrot:
I dont know how you sleep at night
I told my dad I just met someone with one eye named john.
My dad…what was his other eye called?