this stuff just isnβt dank anymore π
I was once kidnapped by a group of mimes
They did unspeakable things to me
What do you call it when it’s raining turkeys?
Fowl weather.
My friend is making a lot of money by selling photos of salmon dressed up in human clothes…
Itβs like shooting fish in apparel…
Whatβs more expensive, a ladder or a diamond?
The latter.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
My driving examiner told me to do an emergency stop.
So I drove him to the hospital. He couldn't have been ill though, because he didn't get out.
What has four wheels and flies?
A garbage truck.
π΅π± π€πΈπͺ No problem, we fixed that for you.
π΅π± π€πΈπͺ No problem, we fixed that for you.
I threw my wife a surprise bukakke party.
It was a big success. Everyone came. You should have see her face.
Your uncle David just lost his ID
Now you can call him uncle Dav.
My son told me he was cold
I said go stand in the corner it's 90 degrees
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
Found this weird kids’ dragon toy in a store today and I thought it looked just like Nergigante, I looked it up and it turns out there is an entire series of cheap knock-off monster hunter lookalikes, they are not even trying to hide it, it’s hilarious
My wife asked me if Iβve ever peed in the shower.
Me: Yes, twice, accidentally. Wife: How do you accidentally pee in the shower? Me: Well, sometimes I pee while Iβm pooping.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Donβt worry about him. Heβs just a product of our times.
Did you hear about the guy who invented the knock-knock joke?
He won the no bell prize.
My girlfriend told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo..
That's when I had to put my foot down.
You should never buy Velcro
Itβs a total ripoff
I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set all by my self.In a moment of panic,I threw a bedsheet over it
I think I managed to cover my tracks
When two ginger people conceive a child…
the child could technically be considered ginger-bred.
An Irishmen walks into NASA and says
"Can Ireland my spaceship on the moon"
A woman answers a knock at the door at 3pm and a man asks if she has a vagina
She slams the door, waits and watches the man leave. The next day, at 3pm once again, she hears a knock at the door and there stood the man once more. "Do you have a vagina?" The woman slammed the door in his face and watched him walk off through the blinds. Growing more disturbed, she told her husband, who decided to take the day off work in hopes of seeing the man and handling the situation. Sure enough, the next day at 3pm, there is a knock at the door. "That's him," the wife says. The husband tells her, "Open it. I'm going to hide. I want to see where he is going with this." The woman opens the door and the man asks, "Do you have a vagina?" After some hesitation, the woman answers, "Yes." The man then tells her, "Why don't you let your husband use it so he'll leave my wife's alone?"
A cop pulled someone over
Cop: I pulled you over because you were driving on the wrong side of the road. Driver: Sorry, I'm English. Cop: (Loudly) it's the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
What kind of doctor was Dr. Pepper?
A fizzicision
Bill Clinton likes to go for a walk every Saturday evening…
One evening, he passed by an alley, and a prostitute yelled at him, "Fifty dollars will buy you a good time!" He responded by saying "How's about 5 dollars?", jokingly, and kept walking. This same thing kept happening every Saturday for a couple weeks; every time Bill passed the prostitute, she would offer him her services for fifty dollars, and he would decline and say he'd only pay five. One evening, however, Hillary asked if she could come along on the walk with him, and Bill reluctantly agreed, nervous about what Hillary would say if the prostitute yelled at him again. They went on the walk, and when they passed the alley, to Bill's surprise, the prostitute was silent, and they continued on their walk. As they were about to round the corner, however, they heard the prostitute's voice from behind them, "So that's what five dollars gets you, huh?"
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
I always carry a picture of my wife and kids in my wallet.
I do it to remind myself why there is no money in there.
Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
What do you call the security outside of a Samsung Store?
Guardians of the Galaxy.
What’s the fun thing about communist jokes?
Everyone get them
“Son, what’re you drinking” “Soy milk”
"Hola milk, soy es tu padre!"
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts…
I wonβt lie, it was a Rocky Road…
My IT guy just asked, “How does a computer get drunk?”
It takes screen shots.
Getting my toy drone stuck in a tree is not my least favorite thing.
But itβs definitely up there.
I got caught masturbating with a pickle.
I was Gherkin off
Why did the big bird feel left out?
Because he was ostrich sized
The other day I beat my son at dominos.
I was going to wait till we got home, but the little shit dropped the pizza.
Why did the farmer keep forgetting where he left his pigs?
He suffered from hamnesia.