This sub in a nutshell
My wife came home and said "Well, well, well…"
My dad and his sibling were talking and they just kept going on about how there generation is more hardworking and we’re all lazy 🤦♀️. I wanted to say ok boomer so badly.
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills. The cop asks the woman, “Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?” She replies, “Well, there’s a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers.” The cop asks, “So what did you do about it?” The old lady says, “I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!” “That seems fair enough,” the cop says, “so what’s in the other sack?” The old lady replies with, “Not everyone pays…”
Cop: Stop playing the race card.
Because he felt empty inside
A bad marksman shoots, but can't hit. A constipated owl hoots, but can't shit.
" A man who lays with another man should be stoned. " (Leviticus 20: 13)
She said, "Yes, the others were at least sevens or eights".
She looked surprised…
When I called from my buddies phone she answered “hey love”. She already knew it was me.
A can't opener
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
So I turned on the air conditioning.
I looked over at him and shouted, “Well that’s not very mature is it??”
Turns out two heads are better than one.
Can’t say that I’m surprised.
Put it in the oven until its Bill Withers. (A tribute to Bill – RIP)
I gave it a lot of shit this morning (Long time stalker, heres my first dad joke!)
Probably because it's a Dell
His friend approached him and said, "Hey, long time no sea."
They both end with a check mate
Now he makes deadjokes.
A guy who had done wrongs in his life went to church to confess He goes to the confessional and the priest asks him P – What sins have you done, son? S – I sinned, father, I went to send something to my sister in law and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her P – That's a big sin but I'll forgive you, son S – Thank you father but i have sinned another time, i went to my mother in law to send her something and before going out it started raining, so i stayed in her house and things heated up and i fucked her as well P – That's a second time so that's worse but I'll forgive you my son S – Thank you very much father but i sinned another time, I finished work and before going out it started raining, the secretary and I got stuck in the building, things heated up and i fucked her as well! The priest checks out of the window and sees that it had started to get cloudy and he says P – You better get the fuck out right fucking now
You would think “R,” but it’s actually the “C.”
No text found
Jokes on him, I don't have a roommate.
Nice shirt. Wow. A second nice shirt. OK, first shirt again. He has two shirts.
Stuck in their apartment with their kid during the COVID quarantine, the Smith’s are desperate to fuck…
So they send little Johnny out on the balcony with a popsicle and a notebook with the directions to log what all the neighbors are up to during the quarantine. After they finished with their twenty minute alone time, Mr. Smith lets Johnny back in from the balcony. ”So, Johnny, what did you find out?” Johnny looks at his notebook: Well, Christopher is practicing his saxophone. The Jones family started a garden on their balcony… The Golds are busy repainting their apartment… And, Mr. and Mrs. Brown are busy fucking.” ”What?! How do you know the Browns were… uh… making love?” Mr. Smith asks. Johnny answers: “Well, because, my friend George Brown was out on his balcony with a popsicle and a notebook!”