This sub in a nutshell
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
He's a Cairo-practor…
The teacher asked me "If I gave you $20 and you gave $5 to Katie, $5 to Claire and $5 to Laura, what would you have?" Apparently, 3 blowjobs and enough left for a kebab wasn't the expected answer…
It’s now 12:15 and my arm is killing me
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I should have never left them in the same box as the bishops.
Outlaws are wanted
A suspected Covid-19 male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student female nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very, closely: "Are – my – test – results – back?"
The eyes, because they dilate.
They have anty-bodies
In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber…
Now, it won't crash, it'll just go, "Boeing Boeing Boeing!"
US President Donald Trump tested and was not infected by the Corona virus. Experts from the Robert Koch Institute are not surprised.
The virus has been shown to affect lungs, not assholes.
You just can’t have anyone cashew.
A private tooter.
LEEKS. (my 10yo told me this – he said he thought it up himself.)
Husband: "Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad" Wife: "No you're not…."
Because nobody has any beef over there.
I will find you. You have my Word!
A farmer quickly purchased land in a low-lying depression and began raising donkeys there. He did so with skill and the donkeys rarely got away.
Long story short, he hauled ass to amass asses in a hole asset, whole-ass not half-ass, lassoed the asses so that they wouldn't bypass the ass hole.
but I just couldn’t fit my head that far up my ass
Turns out he was a neck romancer.
They always take forever to say… ha ha?
It means my illegal logging business is a success
I’m going to name my son Phil and from that point on everything I do will be for my son. That’s my Phil Osophy.
Because its two-tired.
…then my illegal logging business is a success. This repost has been brought to you by r/ModMurder for the means of a challenge
I'm still working on it.
Four richer, four poorer, four better and four worse…
..But its definitely worth a shot.
That's how I contracted it.