I got some bed risers last night.
I'm moving up in this world..
What’s the difference between Dubai and Abu Dhabi?
The people in Dubai don't like The Flintstones, but the people in Abu Dhabi dooooo!!!!!!!!!!
Have you heard of the cheese factory that burned down?
Debris was everywhere.
What happened to the overconfident lion tamer?
He was consumed by his own pride!
I asked my friend what an acorn was
He replied, "it's basically a small oak tree, in a nutshell."
Why is everyone who works at the keyboard factory so rich?
They put in a lot of shifts.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren’t prepared for the answer…
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.' The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?' She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.' The defense attorney nearly died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex
Hey Bob, do you shower after sex? Well, of course I do. Great, could you please get laid more often?
Three people die and appear before Buddha
Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads. -Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though. One of the people takes a step forward and speaks, seemingly troubled. -Benevolent Buddha, what more could I possibly do in my next life? I thought I lived and acted to the fullest. Because of my work almost the entirety of the earth's population will never starve. -My work was also to the extend of my abilities, says the 2nd one. Right now, the world I leave behind enters a revolutionary era were medicines can cure anything, such was my contribution. -My connections in life pushed all countries into an agreement of indefinite world peace, says the 3rd person. -I know all of your actions well. But that is still not enough. Here, let me show you a true example of someone who achieved everything that I ask for. They are waiting for the perfect reincarnation. The three people now both curious and excited follow Buddha to a small building. Their jaws drop when they find just an ordinary person inside. So ordinary that not even a small detail on that person sparks the tiniest interest. Before the Buddha can say anything else they all rush towards him. -Impossible, yells the 1st person! Such a plain human being! You! What was your work during your earthly life? -Who? M-me? I only had two part time jobs, nothing else that I can remember. During the morning hours I worked in a small plantation. Fruits and vegetables. -You're joking! shouts the 2nd person. And the second job? -Oh…that one was a bit odd. My village had a signboard were people would post their ads, job offers etc. But because the signboard was old, those would sometimes come off. My job was to put them back in their place. -This is preposterous, yells the 3rd person! How could you possibly have amassed such an amount of karma with just those two insignificant jobs of yours? -W-well, I don't know what to tell you. But I've really done nothing else, just farming and reposting.
They said gloves and a mask would be enough to go to the supermarket..
They lied, everyone else had their clothes on
Do you know why the U.S. Navy always keeps at least two canaries on board each of their submarines?
Because everyone knows that if you have a big sub you also need a good set of tweeters.
Gucci should open up a children’s store
And call it “Gucci Gucci Goo”
Where do spiders get their drugs?
The deep web
To all the ladies and gents who aren’t getting the V or the D in Valentine’s day
Happy Alentine's Ay
What did the officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
What car do you drive in fall?
Autumn-mobile
What’s red and smells?
Rudolph's nose.
What happens if you mix goat DNA and human DNA?
You get kicked out of the petting zoo.
The Naked Hippie
This joke is one i came up with to annoy my wife. She hates it lol. A naked man walks into a tailor's shop. The tailor screams at him. "Hey, get out of my store! You can't come in here like that." The man replies, "awww, c'mon dude….cut me some slacks." The end
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
Kissing half a billion dollars goodbye… Bloomberg’s worst return on an investment
https://ift.tt/2ToqSMU
why did the can-crusher quit it’s job?
because it was soda-pressing!
A man has a habit of starting every morning by breaking wind.
Of course, his wife finds this habit disgusting, and even as she asks him to stop, he only snickers, continuing the habit every morning. After one of the husband's daily bouts of morning flatulence, the woman tells him that if he continues to fart every morning, his intestines will come out of his ass. Of course, he does not believe her claim, and he gets up, as every day before. Enraged, the woman thinks of a solution. Later that day, the woman saves the intestines from the turkey that she has cooked, preparing to give her husband a proper scare. When he's fallen asleep, she puts the turkey intestines in his underwear, and when he wakes up, after delivering his usual sour flatuosity, he is horrified to feel what he presumes to be his own innards in his underwear. As the man rushes to the bathroom, holding his behind all the way, his wife smiles content, asking: "I told you that would happen!" As she hears a grunt and a slopping sound, her husband comes out of the bathroom, a satisfied grin on his face. "Yes," he says, "but thanks to God's grace and these two fingers, all is back where it should be."
I was feeling lonely so I bought some shares
It's nice to have some company
Do not use “beef stew” as a computer password.
It is not stroganoff.
Chuck Norris caught the coronavirus
but later decided to let it go.
I wouldn’t recommend becoming an escapologist.
I can't get out.
Boobs are like legos
They're really for the kids, but the dads always end up playing with them
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare
I take a ruler to bed with me every night….
…so in the morning I can find out how long I slept.
