This surely must be the worst time to become a king or queen
Know what goes great with a Coronavirus?
Lime disease
A poor old lady was forced to sell her valuables to avoid eviction.
As she rummaged through her dusty belongings, she came across a dull copper kettle. Intrigued by it’s possible value the old woman dusted it off and BAM! A genie erupted from its neck. The genie says “I have seen your plights, and will grant you three wishes.” The woman, astounded, thinks for a moment and says “age has taken its toll on me. I wish to be young and beautiful once more.” BAM! In a sudden flash the old woman emerged, a ravishing young woman. Thrilled by her success the woman says “genie I want to live a life of grandeur! To be rich!” BAM! With a snap of the genies fingers the room swirled and transformed into a great hall. Her once broken cottage had become a mansion. Upon looking down the woman noticed her worn clothing had been replaced with a stunning dress, and shining heels. While she marveled at this outcome the genie stood solemnly and said “you have one wish left.” The woman thought about this for a while and then felt a slight brush against her leg. It was her old cat, frightened by the buildings transformation. The woman looked up at the genie and said “this cat has been faithfully with me for all my years. Please, transform him into a human man, so that we may spend many happy days together!” BAM! In a blinding flash the cat had vanished. Standing in his place was a tall, dark-haired, handsome young man. Immediately enamored bu her new love, the woman fell into his arms. The genie, his work complete, disappeared. As she gazed into his eyes, he drew her close and whispered “Too bad you had me neutered.”
Why does a duck have tail feathers?
To cover its butt-quack.
How do you fix a broken pumpkin?
With a pumpkin patch!
A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.
The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk. “You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. “I went to visit my Nana.” “No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people words!” She then asked Mitchell what he had done. “I took a ride on a choo-choo.” She said: “No, you took a ride on a train. Use big people words”. She then asked Bobby what he had done. “I read a book,” he replied. “That’s wonderful!” the teacher said. “What book did you read?” Bobby thought about it, then puffed out his little chest with great pride and said: “Winnie the Shit”.
My son turned 27, so he’s no longer covered by my health insurance.
In other words, his manufacturer's warranty is up.
I found out why flamingos stand with one leg pulled up.
If they pulled up both legs they would fall over.
I was going to share a joke about sodium on here…
…But then I thought, "Na, they've probably heard it before."
Why haven’t aliens visited our solar system?
They looked at the reviews and we only have one star.
You know what makes me throw up?
A dart board on a ceiling.
What’s up with the dark jokes subreddit?
I don't see anything funny there.
Step ladder
I dont get on with my step ladder Its not like my real ladder
Reverse cowgirl is set to be outlawed in Alabama.
Cause you don't turn your back on family.
I finally thought of a clock joke
It's about time
Which side of a cheetah has the most spots?
The outside!
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
How does bread say hello?
Glutentag
I just got a new job at a bicycle repair shop.
I’m their new spokesman.
The work on Big Ben is meant to take 3 years.
That's a long time considering they're working around the clock.
My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records
Until I got kicked out of the library
I asked the librarian if they had any books about paranoia
She looked up and quietly replied, “they’re right behind you.”
I left a bunch of barbed wire and posts out the front of my house in suggestive poses
I hope nobody takes a fence.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
What did daddy spider say to baby spider?
You spend too much time on the web
A husband and wife who work for the circus go to an adoption agency
looking to adopt a child, but the social workers there raise doubts about their suitability. So the couple produce photos of their 50-foot motor home, which is clean and well maintained and equipped with a beautiful nursery. The social workers are satisfied by this but then raise concerns about the kind of education a child would receive while in the couple's care. The husband puts their mind at ease, saying, "We've arranged for a full-time tutor who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin, and computer skills." Next though, the social workers express concern about a child being raised in a circus environment. This time the wife explains, "Our nanny is a certified expert in pediatric care, welfare, and diet." The social workers are finally satisfied and ask the couple, "What age child are you hoping to adopt?" The husband says, "It doesn't really matter, as long as the kid fits in the cannon."
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
Because your side projects are just an excuse to make a new framework, right?
https://ift.tt/2Xz0fqE
Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”
He yelled back, "Nah, I didn't pay for my haircut!"