This template is wack, yo
Donald Trump gets executed and is hanged by the neck until dead.
At Trump Tower, his family watches CNN, which is covering his death live, all of them mournful and teary before Donald himself walks in triumphantly. “But Donald, CNN says you were killed!” Ivanka cried. “Nope!” Donnie beamed, holding up the rope that was used to hang him, “fake noose.”
A classmate dressed up as a storm trooper for Halloween and shot up the school
Don’t worry, no one got hurt.
I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom.
On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breathe. As he lay in my arms I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee…
Boss: John, for 30 years you have been bringing me coffee, filled to the brim, without even spilling a drop. How do you manage that over these stairs? John: That's easy! Before I climb up the stairs, I take a big sip, and as I get to the top, I put it back in.
My son said he wanted to go for a spin in the new car.
So I got all of his old Beyblades out the attic.
Shovels are amazing.
They were truly a ground breaking invention.
“Why didn’t Elsa see a doctor for her sore throat and cough? Because a cold never bothered her anyway!” My youngest son thought of that all by himself!
He's a 38-year-old lawyer in Nebraska…
I have an EpiPen
My friend gave it to me when he was dying. It seemed important for him that I have it.
My wife said to me she doesn’t understand cloning.
I said that makes 2 of us.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas,
can't wait to see how it turns out.
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it…
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate. When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards." He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…" Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
In pharmacology all drugs have a generic name.
Tylenol is acetaminophen, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced today that they have settled on Mycoxafloppin.
A boy is watching TV with his father when a sex scene comes on.
"Well son, time for bed," the father says. "But dad, I'm 16 now!" the son complains. The father replies, "I don't care how old you are, you're not watching me masturbate."
I didn’t know what to wear to my premature ejaculation support group
So I just came in my pants.
Opinion: Dad jokes shouldn’t be painful.
Except for the punchline.
TIL: If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if it’s awful first time on this sub)
When Mozart died, you could hear his music playing backwards at his grave.
He was decomposing.
No one is afraid of llama kisses, so why is everyone so worried about…
…the alpaca lips?
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static-electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I tried to talk to my antivaxx best friend
Unfortunately the ouija board wasn't working
What do you dip the worlds largest mozzarella stick in?
The Marinara Trench
What did the mummy say after his therapy session?
Thanks doc, it was so hard keeping all that under wraps
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”
Thief: “You must really love your wife!” Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.
I was walking with my girlfriend when a random guy whistled at her and said, “Nice ass”. She was clearly annoyed and demanded I say something.
So I turned around and said, "Thank you I've been doing squats."
From now on all boomer reaction memes will be removed. (Boomers: Insert laughing here)
This sub is for comics and nothing else. If you have any questions please leave a comment on here.
I put LEDs on her engagement ring
Her face lit up when I proposed
I met a Jewish girl and she asked for my number.
I told her we use names here.
The coach grimaced as he watched his young ice hockey team. At one point during the game, he called one of his 7-year-old players aside and asked, “Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?” The little boy nodded affirmatively…
"Do you understand that what matters is not whether we win or lose, but how we play together as a team?" The little boy nodded once more. "So…" the coach continued. "I'm sure you know that when a penalty is called, you shouldn't argue, curse, attack the referee, or call him a pecker-head. Do you understand all that?" Again the little boy nodded. He continued, "And when I call you off the ice so that another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach a dumb asshole, is it?" The little boy nodded yet again. "Good." said the coach. "Now go over there and explain all that to your mother."
Hey, thanks! (Non-joke)
I've got a kid who's dealing with a pretty heavy anxiety disorder and mornings are particularly rough on him. Horrible jokes help distract him until everything kicks in, so I've been leaning on this sub. It's good to see him laugh and groan at the breakfast table and all of you monsters make that possible. So, yeah. From one dad to others (actual or honorary,) thanks for the assist.
The other day I told a girl, “You look great without glasses.”
Girl: “I don’t wear glasses.” Me, while polishing my lenses: “No, but I do.”
As a Pink Floyd fan, nothing makes me angrier than seeing a vegan eating pudding.
Because how can you have any pudding if you don't eat yer meat?
What’s the worlds saddest pizza?
"Pepperlonely"
What do you give to a sick pig?
Oink-ment
Believing only 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth theist.
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
No text found
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water
Did you know? The wheel was invented in 3,500 BC.
It caused quite the revolution back then.
