This totally counts
The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested….
I heard they’re gonna give them a really tough sentence
Did you hear about the man who invented knock knock jokes
He won the no-bell prize
See that? Thats my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
Women are so materialistic.
I bet they'd all dig me if I lived in a bigger car.
How do you keep a slow person in suspense?
No text found
How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two. One to change the bulb, the other to hold the penis. LADDER. I MEANT TO SAY “LADDER.”
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
At this point English has become suck up to the teacher class
A man entered his home and discovered that someone had stolen every single lamp present in the house.
He was absolutely delighted.
Pink Panther’s To Do List
To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Do To Doooooooo
Long. A little white rabbit is being chased through the forest by a bear.
As they are running, they both trip over a magic lamp. The genie pops out and looks at the two. “Since you both touched the lamp, you will both get 3 wishes,” says the genie. The bear starts jumping up and down waving its paws and says “Oh, oh, oh, me first! I wish all the bears in this forest except for me were female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the forest except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a scooter, please.” The genie snaps his fingers and poof a little white scooter just the right size for the rabbit appears. The bear says, “Oh, oh, oh! If you can make all the bears in this forest female, then I want all the bears in this country but me to be female!” The genie snaps his fingers and all of the bears in that country except for this bear are females. The rabbit says, “I’ll take a helmet.” The genie snaps his fingers and a little white helmet with ear holes appears on the seat of the scooter. The bear is really excited now. He leaps up and down and yells, “If you can make all the bears in this country female, then I wish all the bears in the world were female except me!!” The genie snaps his fingers and all the bears in the entire world except for this bear are female. The rabbit puts on his helmet and hops on the scooter. He looks at the genie, then at the bear, then back to the genie. He says, “I wish the bear was gay,” and drives off.
Why couldn’t the carpenter and the lumberjack get along
They saw things differently
What do you call an octopus with 4 hearts?
An octopus with 1 extra heart. (It’s a learning joke 😁)
Did you know you can tell the sex of an ant by floating it in water?
If it floats it's boy ant
Why did Pluto have such a terrible vacation?
Because he didn’t planet well.
I got a pet newt, and I named him Tiny
Because he's my newt
I named my overweight cat Kelvin
Because he is an absolute unit.
My mom was telling dadjokes
He laughed
You’ve heard of Murphy’s law right?
It says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. But have you heard of Cole’s law? It’s thinly sliced cabbage.
Peter Parker didn’t always want to be a super hero
He originally had dreams of being a web designer
I decided to get my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
50,000 blondes met in a center for the first ever “Blondes Are Not Stupid” Convention
Their leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 50,000 blondes start cheering, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 50,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh — everyone is disheartened – the blonde starts crying and the 50,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance — What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream… "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
My dad died last year because I couldn’t remember his blood type in time for the paramedics to give him a blood transfusion.
As he was dying he kept saying be positive, but it's been really hard without him.
They say pineapple juice makes your cum taste better.
But for me, it just ruins the pineapple juice.
My wife said, “I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for a hundred dollars and the thick ones went for two hundred dollars.” Chuckling, I asked, “How about the ones like mine?” She retorted, “Those, they gave away.”
Not to be outdone, I said, "I had a dream too. I dreamed they were auctioning off pussies. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the tight little ones went for two thousand." She quizzed, "And how much for the ones like mine?" To which I replied, "That's where they held the auction."
Why do blind people hate skydiving?
Because it scares the shit out of their dogs.
The secret service isn’t allowed to yell “Get down!” anymore when the president is about to be attacked.
Now they have to yell "Donald, duck!"
Someone tried to attack me yesterday so I threw a table at them
it was a counter-attack.
My time machine broke, so I took it to the time machine repairman.
He just walked up to it, kicked it and said “they sure don’t make them like they will do soon.”
I bet jellyfish are sad…
…that there are no peanut butter fish.
A Buddhist monk goes to a barber
… to have his head shaved. "What should I pay you?" the monk asks. "No price, for a holy man such as yourself," the barber replies. And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen gemstones. That day, a priest comes in to have his hair cut. "What shall I pay you, my son?" "No price, for a man of the cloth such as yourself." And what do you know, the next day the barber comes to open his shop, and finds on his doorstep a dozen roses. That day, Rabbi Finklestein comes in to get his payoss [sideburns] trimmed. "What do you want I should pay you?" "Nothing, for a man of God such as yourself." And the next morning, what do you know? The barber finds on his doorstep — a dozen rabbis!
A man with 5 legs put on pants
They fit like a glove
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.