This truckers is in 2099
I love playing catch with my kids.
But after I dropped one we have to use a ball now.
What do you call a hippies wife?
Mississippi
Walking through the forest, an atheist hears a rustling in the bushes. Turning, he sees a massive grizzly charging towards him!
He runs as fast as he can but trips over a stump and falls. As the bear raises a huge paw to strike, the atheist screams: "God! Help me!" Time freezes. The bear becomes immobile, the forest is silent, and the river stops running. Then the atheist hears a powerful voice: "You have denied my existence for years, taught others I don’t exist and credited my creation to a cosmic accident. Why should I help you?" "It would be hypocritical to ask you to show mercy on me," the atheist agrees. "But perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?" At that, the noise of the forest resumes, the river runs, and the bear drops to its knees, brings its paws together, and says, "Lord, for this food which I am about to receive, I am truly thankful."
You can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile
by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Two men are playing golf.
Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation. His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feeling man." The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 35 years."
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
Why does Waldo wear striped clothes?
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
What did the thesaurus eat for breakfast?
Synonym buns
Someone once told me a story about screws, nuts and bolts.
It was Riveting.
I woke up this morning to a reminder from my drunk self. Had to laugh through the hangover.
https://ift.tt/2whgf5W
Why did the console player cross the road?
To render the buildings
Ye Ol’Chemist had a lab,
ene-yne-ene-yne-one
My therapist just told me that I have serious trouble verbalizing my emotions.
Can’t say I’m surprised.
Me: Boss, I’m sorry I am late. I was having computer issues.
Boss: Hard drive? Me: No, the commute was fine. It was my computer.
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
Going to open a new restaurant …
I am getting ready to open an Asian/Mexican fusion resturant…I am calling it Juan-Ton
My wife told me that if I bought her one more idiotic gift, she’ll just burn it.
So I bought her a candle.
A man walks into the doctor’s office with a piece of lettuce hanging out of his ass
The doc takes one look and he says, "Jeeze, it looks like we have one heck of a problem here." The guy responds "this is just the tip of the iceberg."
To be frank…
i'd have to change my name
My friend said, “Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?” I replied, “The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus.” He laughed, “A miracle?!”
I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."
I cannot believe no ones come up with a cure for anorexia yet.
I thought it would be a piece of cake!
What did the fisherman say to the magician?
Pick a Cod, any Cod
My wife found out I was cheating after she found all the letters I had hidden.
She went crazy and said she won't play Scrabble with me again
What do raspberries do when they play instruments?
They have jam sessions!
Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, “The Exorcist”. She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn’t finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.
I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, “Let’s make things interesting.”
So we stopped playing chess.
Several years ago, Andy was sentenced to prison. During his stay, he got along well with the guards and all his fellow inmates…
The warden saw that deep down, Andy was a good person and made arrangements for Andy to learn a trade while doing his time. After three years, Andy was recognized as one of the best carpenters in the local area. Often he would be given a weekend pass to do odd jobs for the citizens of the community and he always reported back to prison before Sunday night was over. The warden was thinking of remodeling his kitchen and in fact had done much of the work himself. But he lacked the skills to build a set of kitchen cupboards and a large counter top, which he had promised his wife. So he called Andy into his office and asked him to complete the job for him. But, alas, Andy refused. He told the warden, "Gosh, I'd really like to help you but counter fitting is what got me into prison in the first place."
Why don’t zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
They prefer to eat their fingers separately.
I was going to make an April Fools joke
But that was so yesterday
Call a girl beautiful 1000 times, and she won’t think twice…
Call a girl fat once and she'll always remember. Because elephants never forget