This was found on reddit and no it wasn’t ironic
…and the south rose in the north
Haha get it?
One Flew Over the Covfefe’s Nest
I feel this on a spiritual level
How does a rock pee?
He Dwaynes his Johnson
I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight…
to fulfill my fantasy that we have health care
It’s doing a great job
It all makes sense now
What’s the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
How do you turn a pussy into an asshole?
Give it a badge and a gun
A four-foot-tall fourtuneteller escaped from prison.
He was a small medium at large.
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him.
As he died, he kept insisting for us to “be positive”, but it’s hard without him.
Oxygen breathers rise up
So I found this lying around and forgot to put it up earlier, here you go
A kid asks his mom “Mom? What is dark Humor?”
She responds: “see that man over there with no arms? Tell him to clap.” The kid replies: “but mom, I’m blind!” Mom: “Exactly.”
My ex-wife still misses me.
But her aim is steadily improving.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds…
They’ve left no tern unstoned…
A man walks into a bar in Vegas.
He has a parrot with him. This parrot is wholly remarkable; it is fluent in Spanish, French and English. So, being a betting man- they're all betting men down in Vegas -he goes up to the bartender and tells him, "I'll bet you this here bird can speak Spanish." The bartender knows this type, and slams his hand down on the counter with a $10 bill. "You're on! Let's see it." So the man turned to the bird and asks, "Hablas Espanol?" The bird is silent as a stone. "Well, watch this, then, he can speak French too. Parlez-vous Francais?" The parrot remains silent. The man is sweating through his jacket, and the bartender is chuckling derisively. "Hand over the cash, sir, and have a nice night." As he walks dejectedly out of the bar, the man turns to the parrot. "You jerk!", he cries. "You cost me ten bucks!" The parrot, taken aback, ruffles his feathers arrogantly. "Cost you? Buddy, I just made you a fortune! Think of the odds you can get there tomorrow!"
Found this on the escalator of a local mall
The 4th Branch
I am the IT department
You need to take a deep breath when you hear it!
A woman in labour suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "Those are just contractions."
Diarrhea is hereditary.
Because it runs in your jeans.
Scientists have been studying the effect of cannabis on sea birds
They’ve left no tern unstoned
When Front-end and Back-end meet
Three years ago I mistakenly bought my son a giant conch shell…
I have a son who’s on the spectrum. It’s quite common for people like him to latch onto one specific topic and become an absolute encyclopedia about it. Some people choose trains, some a cartoon. For my son, this was mollusks. Interesting topic I know, but it seemed to be a pretty good deal for us because it meant he’d get really excited about going outside to the beach which we figured was healthier than staying inside all the time. He’d always have a shell with him, or in his pocket. Usually he doesn’t want to talk much, but if you opened the conversation to it, he’d sit there rattling off facts about mollusks for hours. This was shaping up to be a long term passion, so for his 15th birthday I went out and bought him a giant conch shell. He absolutely loved it. The texture, holding it to his ear etc. It was too big to carry around with him all the time, but he kept it by his bed. Fast forward three years, this is where things get weird. About a month ago I was cleaning his room and picked up the conch to dust it off, something I’ve never actually done before. I was immediately hit by a terrible smell – I don’t want to get too into the gross details but I’m a dude, a once 18 year old dude, so I know what happens when you use something to masturbate and don’t clean it. I’m sure we all know what that smells like even after a week. It was pretty clear he had been using this shell as a kind of Strombidae fleshlight for a long, long time without cleaning it. I’m not going to share too much about what happened when this all came to light, but we tried taking it away and my god you’d think we just took his whole world. We decided to give the shell back, but worried this reflected a deeper issue my partner and I decided to get some professional help. So it’s been about a month of him seeing a behavioural therapist, and she recently asked me about his progress at home. I told her it’s been incredibly promising so far. He’s really starting to come out of his shell.
Posted on Facebook by your local boomer.
Mass Extinction has arrived
Thought she waz hot af
A Cowboy walks into a bar
Two steps in, he realizes it's a gay bar. But what the heck," he says to himself, "I really want a drink." When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the cowboy, "What's the name of your penis?" The cowboy says, "Look, I'm not into any of that, All I want is a drink." The gay waiter says, "I'm sorry but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis. Mine for instance is called Nike, for the slogan 'Just Do It,' That guy down at the end of the bar calls his, Snickers, because it really Satisfies.'" The cowboy looks dumbfounded so the bartender tells him he will give him a second to think it over. So the cowboy asks the man sitting to his left. Who is sipping on a beer, "Hey bud, what's the name of Yours?" The man looks back and says with a smile "Timex." The thirsty cowboy asks, "Why Timex?" The fella proudly replies, "Cause it takes a lickin' and keeps on tickin'!" A little shaken, the cowboy turns to two fellow's on his right, who happen to be sharing a fruity Margarita and says, "So, what do you guys call yours?" The first man turns to him and proudly claims, FORD, because 'Quality is Job One.'' Then he adds, "Have you driven a Ford Lately?" The guy next to him then says, "I call mine CHEVY….'Like A Rock!" and gives a wink. Even more shaken the Cowboy has to think for a moment before he comes up with a name for his manhood. Finally, he turns to the bartender and exclaims, "The name of my penis is 'SECRET.' Now give me a beer." The bartender begins to pour the Cowboy a beer, but with a puzzled look asked,"Why Secret? That's a women's deodorant." The cowboy says, "Because it's STRONG ENOUGH FOR A MAN BUT MADE FOR A WOMAN!
Sad boomer noises
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
How do you measure how heavy a red, hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now.
Physics meme a friend sent me
vai a farti fottere!
I had this in my head for months and I just had to make it.
Spotted at a local grocery store
What’s faster, cold or hot?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
What if we did it like this?
Trump declares himself king (colorized, 2020)
Face size: Momentous
In search of brains!!
Trump held a rally last night in Louisiana. Here’s a recap.
When I was young, I used to think earwigs actually lived in your ears
so you can imagine how terrified I was of cockroaches.
Happens every time
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
One of my friends stole all the DVDs of my horror movie collection.
In the end I decided to let him go. However, I still hold The Grudge.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.
The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The fairy asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
I’m moving to Greenwich in a couple months.
Don't know what I'm going to do in the mean time…
Sometimes humor makes itself.
But had he swallowed it, the hair would grow … out of his mouth?
It’s always his fault
Why do pirates listen to opera music?
Because they love the high Cs.
It’s finally happening!
Finally they On the same side
When Trump, as a 2nd gen immigrant, talks about the problem of immigration
Did you hear about the kid who kept getting electrocuted ?
His Dad finally grounded him
I don’t always tell Dad jokes, but when I do he laughs.
No text found
The Master Programmer
The dealer never consumes!!!
Ok epic hackintosh time
This felt very boomer (NSFW)
Don’t you just love reading documentation
Literally the life we all live.
Ice Cream Theft on Live TV
What do you call an annoyed lobster?
Guess who isn’t going into research