This was good till the caption
I ordered a thesaurus online, but when it arrived and I opened it, the whole book was empty, all pages blank!
There are no words to describe how mad I am!
Because of the indoor fins…
It was two tired
I was going to eat that later but it will only taste like a carrot now
Paddy was telling Mick about his first sky-dive. When I got to the door of the plane I just couldn't jump so the 6ft 7inch black instructor unzips his fly and says: 'If you don't jump you're getting this baby right up your arse!' " Mick asks: "Did you jump?" Paddy replies: "A little bit when it first went in."
My thoughts are with his family!
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
A television newslady is interviewing a horse that can tell whether a person is a homosexual or not. “Am I homosexual?” Asked the newslady. “Neigh,” said the horse.
The newslady turns to the camera and says, "you heard it folks. 'Straight' from the horses mouth."
A private tutor
Precisely zero – and that is a good number.
Would it be called a Dodge Chargeable
8 ball: i’m a pile of cocaine, what the hell do you think?
Smiles. Because there is a mile between the S's. Have to give credit to my ten year old daughter for this one… Apparently I'm bringing her up right.
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?”
Donald Trump met with the Queen of England, and politely asked her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?" "Well," replied the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people." Trump frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know the people around you are really intelligent?" The Queen took a sip of tea. "Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle." The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Boris Johnson in here, would you?" The Prime Minster walked into the room and said, "Yes, Your Majesty?" The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this, if you would, Boris. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?" Without pausing for a moment, he answered, "That would be me." "Yes! Very good," said the Queen. Trump went back home to ask Mike Pence the same question. “ Mike, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer. Finally, Pence ran in to his friend Jack Murphy in a restaurant the next night. Pence asked, "Jack, can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?" Jack Murphy answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!" Pence smiled, and said, "Thanks!" Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle: It's my friend Jack Murphy!" Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled, "No, you idiot! It's Boris Johnson!"
Turns out, my parents weren't even related.
The bartender says, "You'll be served sometime between 7am and 2pm."
I was like, "What the Hellmann?"
Her 9-year-old son comes home unexpectedly, sees the two lovers and hides in the bedroom to watch. The woman's husband comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says "Dark in here." The man says "Yes, it is." Boy – "I have a baseball." Man – "That's nice to know." Boy – "Want to buy it?" Man – "No thanks." Boy – "My dad's outside" Man – "Ok then, how much" Boy – "$150" Man – "Sold" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy – "Dark in here." Man – "Yes it is." Boy – "I have a Wilson infielder's glove." The lover, remembering the last time asks the boy "how much?" Boy – "$350" Man – "Highway robbery. Sold" A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your gloves, let's go outside and have a game of catch." They boy says "I can't, I sold my ball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The boy says "$500" The father says "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that… That is way more than those things cost. I'm going to take you to the church so you can confess to your greed." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth with the Priest to confess his sins and he closes the door. The boys says "Dark in here." The Priest says "Don't start that crap again, you're in my closet now."
But it was a Risk I was willing to take…
I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.
Is it a noble gas?
So they can see the front lines
It’s called making the little things count.
A very sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!" The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself." "The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago." "And what about the third rose?" she asked. "Oh, that rose is from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
It cost him an arm and a leg.
To beat the crowd
Call a girl fat once and she’ll always remember. Because elephants never forget
A bus full of children
They are having such a good time that they decide to play hooky and skip out on their Monday exam in psychology. They all send their professor an email saying they had a flat tire while out of town and the professor said no problem, unexpected things happen. They could take it on Tuesday. Celebrating their white lie they had another big night out and headed back on Monday. When they got back on campus Tuesday they went and saw their professor and she asked if they were all right, thanked them for letting her know ahead of time, and told them to get ready for the test. Inwardly laughing they were separated into four separate rooms so as not to cheat. All four flipped over the sheet and saw only two questions: For 5% credit, what does DSM stand for in the DSM-5? For 95% credit, which tire went flat?
They’re his watch dogs!
a cold shoulder
That’s how I roll.
But it turned out to just be a pyramid scheme…
Because I put them on his bedroom window.
You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve…