This was posted in r/darkhumorandmemes so I figured I should post it where it belongs. Sorry if this is a repost, I’m new to this sub
My son got kicked out of three schools this year for letting a girl in class wank him off. I told him, “Son…
…maybe teaching isn’t the best job for you.”
I couldn’t decide on how much lettuce to buy, until my wife helped me think it through.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
A bicycle can’t stand on its own
Because its two-tired.
What side of a chicken has the most feathers?
The outside.
I’m developing a phobia for German sausages.
I fear the wurst.
A Roman walks in a bar, holds up 2 fingers and says:
"I'll have 5 beer please."
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. Engineer: What’s with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know but I've never seen such ineptitude! Priest: Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him. Priest: Hi George. Say George, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow aren't they? George: Oh yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight while saving our club house last year. So we let them play here anytime free of charge! (silence) Priest: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight. Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them. Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
Soon, the only way to abort a kid in the US…
… will be to wait for him to go to school and get gunned down.
Has anyone elses gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on my couch at the beginning of March and I've grown significantly since.
A man goes into a restaurant. He has a seat at a booth and opens a menu to find out that none of the foods have prices next to them.
He asks the waiter, “How much is the Fettuccine Alfredo?” The waiter says, “A penny.” The man exclaims, “A penny? How much for a steak?” The waiter says, “A nickel.” The man is astonished. “Are you serious? Where’s the man who owns this place? I’d like to shake his hand!” The waiter answers, “He’s upstairs with my wife.” Confused, the man asks, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?” The waiter smiles and says, “The same thing I’m doing down here to his business.”
If you are planning on stealing another election, it’s best to hire criminals
https://ift.tt/2Y8Ff9B
Scientists confirmed West Virginia has zero cases of COVID-19
This was due to the fact that one family was immune to the strain.
Why do some people post long jokes here?
This isn't where they be long.
I recently visited a pickle factory
The experience was jarring.
What happened in Hong Kong this week?
According to Beijing, it's as calm as a June Summer's day in Tiananmen Square.
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
“Hey girl, lets go to my place, we can watch a movie or something.”
"I don't know… do you have any toilet paper there?"
I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”…
He’s a small arms dealer…
What do drugs have in common with cheese jokes?
I don't know, I just like meth and feta memes.
Cashier at Publix asked if we wanted the milk in a bag…
I told her to please leave it in the jug. My wife eye-rolled SO hard and then apologized to the cashier 😀 The cashier was laughing though, so I'll take the win.
My son, while gazing up at the sky, asked me how stars die
"Usually an overdose", I said
Sting has disappeared, The Police have no lead
No text found
What do dentists call their x-rays?
Tooth pics.
At the end of the physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”
The professor replied, “Sorry. No Time.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
What do you call a nervous Darth Vader?
Panakin Skywalker
My wife and I had a fantastic wedding
Even our cake was in tiers.
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue." "What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for three days and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
My wife is mad at the fact that I don’t have a sense of direction…
So I packed my stuff and right.