This was so funny to me until I read the caption (X-Post from r/memes)
What do Japanese cannibals eat?
Raw men
Why are Americans bad at League of Legends ?
They can’t defend the towers
Dad: We need to go out
ME: Where are we going? Dad: To pick up our glasses from the optometrist. ME: Than What? Dad: We'll see..
This is a Fibonacci joke.
Its worse than the last two jokes you heard, combined.
I can stop telling dad jokes anytime I want to!
But he really enjoys hearing them, so I don’t think I’ll quit just yet.
My favorite sex position is called WOW.
It’s where I flip your MOM over.
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
When I was a kid, Santa gave me a lump of coal. The next year, I poisoned his cookies.
Somehow the bastard found out and killed my dad.
I desperately needed a massive shit on the train today but there were no toilets in sight and none onboard so I just sat there and held it for about 20 minutes.
The woman sitting opposite looked at me in disgust and said, "Is that a poo in your hand?"
What do forklifts and girls have in common ?
If you don't have one, you'll have to unload by hand.
Whats the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
A man found a genie lamp
When the rubbed it the genie came out and stated the rules. Genie: You cannot wish for more wishes, immortality, or love. Man: I wish to not die a virgin Genie: I just said no wishing for immortality
LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.
They don’t fuck around.
How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
One. Men can be Feminists, too.
I just saw a robbery at the Apple store…
I guess that makes me an iWitness!
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
What do you call an alien with three balls?
An extrateressticle
I tried to trade a deer for fireworks
I want the best bang for my buck
Not all math puns are bad…
Just sum…
As the animals left the ark, Noah told them to go forth and multiply. After some time, Noah came upon two snakes who were just lying there sunning themselves…
So Noah asked them, ”Why aren’t you multiplying?” The snakes replied, “We can’t, we’re adders.”
Why don’t the Sons of Liberty have a secret knock?
Because freedom rings
Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to see a movie. She asked, “What would you like to see?”
I said, “You pick.” She said, “You pick.” I said, “I don’t care. You pick.” She said, “Sir, there are people behind you waiting to buy tickets.”
Two female parrots
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing." “What do they say?" the priest inquired. “They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. “That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that…that phrase in no time." “Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!" Edit: wow guys, first post above 1.0k 🙂 glad you all liked it!
Little Johnny at the nudist beach
Little Johnny and his parents decided to spent the day at the beach. He goes off to play in the sand only to return a few moments later. "Mom why are some women's breasts bigger than others?" To which his mom replied. "The women with bigger breasts are more silly" satisfied with this answer he goes off to play for a while longer. Later the boy asks why some men's penises are bigger than others, his mom tells him "Men with bigger penises are dumber" once again content Johnny goes off to play again. A while later he returns with a grin on his face and tells his mom, "Hey Mom Dad is talking to the silliest girl here and he just keeps getting dumber and dumber"
This one time, all the rooms in a hotel were booked. But then comes this one guy, who asks for a room, in the same hotel, and gets one easily.
Because his name was Improvement. And there's always room for improvement.
What does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.
I finally found out why Nurses Cary red crayons
Incase they have to Draw blood.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
My friend told me he was using sodium hydroxide to clean his pillows
What a weird thing to lye about
