This whole picture is just a clusterfuck…
You're too young to smoke.
hot and all over my crotch when I’m driving.
why do rice krispies snap, crackle and pop?
Number One with a Pullet.
You just have to have a feel for it.
RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74
In Spanish, you roll your R’s and in Dad Jokes you roll your Eyes
But most only have 4 🙂
In a small town, a man just opened a small store selling trumpets and guns. One day his neighbor pays him a visit and says, "So how is your strange business going?" "What do you mean strange?" "Because you sell only trumpets and guns!" "So?" "Well, let me put it this way, what do you sell the most, trumpets or guns?" "It evens itself out. Each time a customer buys a trumpet, one of his neighbors buys a gun."
Those faggots arrested me.
I was eating a steak in my favorite restaurant, when a girl came to my table and shouted at me: “Enjoying your meat, murderer?!”
Seriously Rachel it was 15 years ago and your dad had a knife. Jeez.
They said they wouldn’t mind if we did it the “old fashioned way” as they weren't man haters! For six months now we’ve been trying but I just don’t have the heart to tell them I had a vasectomy last year.
Guess you could say I’m now… Illegally Blonde
Because she was stuffed.
We never made it.
(NSFW) A man walks into a bank and says to the the teller, “I want to open a fucking checking account.”
The astonished woman replies, “I beg your pardon, but we don’t tolerate language like that in this bank.” The teller then leaves the window and walks over to her manager to explain the situation. The manager agrees that the teller shouldn’t have to put up with that kind of language. They both return to the window and the manager asks the man, “Sir, what seems to be the problem here?” “There is no fucking problem” the man says. “I just won $200 million in the damn lottery and I want to put my fucking money in this damn bank.” “Oh, I see.” says the manager. “And is this bitch giving you a hard time, sir?”
I wasn't putting on enough shifts
Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.
I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets
Because it gets smaller with every mistake I make
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
He keeps asking for an ex box, so I’m sure he will be delighted.
I dont know how someone could stoop so low.
A man is showing his friend around his town. They pass a boy selling newspapers on the side of the road.
The man nudges his friend and says, "See that kid? He's got to be the stupidest kid in the whole wide world. Watch this." He walks up to the kid as his friend watches, and holds out a five dollar and a ten dollar bill. "Hey kid, pick one." The kid looks between the notes and eventually takes the five dollar bill. The man laughs and pockets the other note and walks back to his friend, still laughing. "See what I mean?" he says, shaking his head. "Every damn time. Stupid kid never learns." His friend is puzzled, but doesn't say anything. Later in the evening he decides to take a stroll alone and spots the boy again. Curiosity overcomes him, and he goes over and asks, "Hey kid, why do you keep taking the five dollar bill every time?" "Because, mister, the day I take the ten dollar bill, the game ends."
When my dentist reminded me about my wife’s sensitive gag reflex, we laughed and laughed about it for a while…
Then I remembered… Me and my wife have different dentists…
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
When they ask, "So, what do you do for a living?" I just say, "Oh, you know… stuff."
We had some drinks, cool guy, he wants to be a web developer
Suddenly, there was a beeping sound. The German pressed her forearm and the beeping stopped. The others looked at her questionly. "That was my pager," she said. " I have a microchip implanted under the skin of my arm." A few minutes later, a phone rang. The Japanese woman lifted her palm to her ear. When she finished, she explained, " that was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand." The HILLBILLY woman felt decidedly low tech. Not to be outdone, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. She returned with a piece of paper hanging from her behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her. The HILLBILLY woman finally said, "Well, will you look at that, I'm getting a FAX."