This will be funny forEVER
Apparently the inventor of auto-correct has died.
His funeral is next monkey.
My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.
She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it?” I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get there.”
The GOP is apparently ok with extremely late term abortions if the stock market is suffering
https://ift.tt/2KdS7EF
I just cross-bred an alligator and a homing pigeon.
I expect that'll come back to bite me.
Do you know why Superman is the king of all thieves?
It's because he is the man of steel. One of my students told me he made this up and I couldn't be more proud.
If you accidentally put salt instead of sugar in your tea…
It just becomes saltea.
I wrote a joke about minorities.
It's different to the other jokes.
I still remember fondly the times dad used to roll us down the hill inside tires.
Those were the Good Years.
I stole a wig
I just didn't want toupee for it
Five gangsters walk past a local diner
The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!" The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?" "I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow the owner into the diner, and then they enter the kitchen. In the back, a man is furiously scrubbing metal pots and pans so hard that he's damaging them. The owner points at the man and says, "My new dishwasher guy is scrubbing the dishes too hard! He's scratching them up and refusing to stop! At this rate, I'm going to have to replace all my dishes!" One of the gangsters rolls his eyes and says to another gangster, "Yo G, I got this." The gangster taps the dishwasher on the shoulder and says, "Dude, ease up on those dishes." But the man keeps scrubbing. Another one of the gangsters says, "That won't do it, G," and he tries to spin the dishwasher around to face them, but the dishwasher man won't budge. "C'mon idiot, ease up on those dishes!" But the man is still scrubbing. The third and fourth gangsters try shouting in the man's ears, "EASE UP ON THOSE DAMN DISHES!" But the man scrubs away. Finally, the fifth gangster has had enough and start pulling on the dishwasher to get him away from the sink and the dishes. Another G joins in, followed by the rest, pulling as hard as they can. But it's no use, and they all fall to the floor exhausted while the dishwasher keeps scrubbing, no sign of easing up on the poor dishes. The owner is shocked and shakes his head in disbelief, "I can't believe it, I was sure this would work." The fifth gangster looks at him exasperated and says, "Dude, why the hell did you think this would work? What can five gangsters do against a dishwasher who's basically superman?" The owner replies, "I know it sounded crazy and I had no evidence to prove it, but I really thought that 5Gs could cause dish ease."
A straight tree and a gay tree lived next to each other for 60 years
The straight tree was always making fun of the gay tree. One evening a storm comes along and lightning hits the straight tree and it shatters into hundreds of pieces. The gay tree bust out laughing and says "look who's a faggot now"
Tom’s scrotum
The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium. She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him." (You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.) "Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place." (Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirm uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.) "Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely." (All the men sighed with unified relief.) The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say. A man slowly stood up and walked just as slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife — the word is sternum."
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
My friend Ty won the Beijing marathon, but wasn’t awarded a gold medal.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
One day after sex, my girl told me she used to be a Christian.
Me: "It doesn't worry me at all, babe." Her: "Awesome! I really so much prefer being a Christine."
They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.
If only they could see me now.
Why couldn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
When I was at the pool yesterday, I began peeing in the deep end
The lifeguard blew his whistle so hard I almost fell in
If you get a link called “free p0rn” don’t opin it.
It's a virus wich deactivates your spelchek and fcuks up you riting. I receibed it but lukily I don't wach p0rn so I dint opin it. Plees warm you frends Wanks
I have a few jokes about unemployed people
But none of them seem to work
We have hit 20,000 members! Thank you all!
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
Why didn’t the Mexican archer fire his bow?
He didn’t habanero
I sexually identify as Michael Jackson
My preferred pronouns are He/Hee
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
What has 15 eyes, 15 hands, and 15 feet?
15 pirates.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
If you lock up your girlfriend and dog in the trunk of a car for an hour…
which one is gonna be happy to see you when you open it up?
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow.
So my name is William
And my soccer coach in 7th grade asks me: Do you they call you Will or Bill? Me: They call me both. Coach: Okay, Both, nice to meet you. I'm 42 years old, and that man's son still calls me "Both" to this day.
Good romance starts with a good friendship. Bad romance on the other hand starts with
Ra Ra Ah Ah Ah Ro Ma Ro Ma Ma Ga Ga Ohh La La