This would be awesome
Anyone hear about the Mexican train bomber?
They say he had loco motives.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are all standing watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.
The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a very poor view, so he stands up on a large wooden box and calls out, "Can you all see me now?" "Yes." "Oui." "Si." "Ja."
Why must you act quickly during a flood?
Because it's an emergent sea.
So I divorced my cross-eyed wife…
We didn’t see eye to eye. I also found out she was seeing someone on the side.
A Roman soldier is bragging to his friend: ‘You’ll never guess with how many women I’ve slept!’
'Mmm?' 'Not that many!'
An astronaut was trying to make coffee on the space station…
Astronaut 1: "I want to make coffee but I can't find any milk." Astronaut 2: "In space, no one can. Here, use cream."
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints.
I’ve been saying “mucho” more often when talking to my Hispanic friends…
It means a lot to them…
I keep asking people what LGBT means
I can never get a straight answer
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.”
A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. “You talk?” he asks. “Yep,” the mutt replies. “So, what’s your story?” The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. “The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I’m just retired.” The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says: “Ten dollars.” The guy says: “This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him, so cheap?” The owner replies: “He’s just a big liar. He didn’t do any of that stuff.”
My buddy went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.
He just can’t part with it.
Why was 6 afraid of 7
7 was a registered six offender
Just burned 2,000 calories.
That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.
“I’m sorry, but Joey Starr is not mentioned among the 20th century philosophers”.
https://ift.tt/3gDH1bb
I was complaining to my wife about our nonexistent sex life.
Zero fucks were given.
Is an entire TV show a valid “boomer humor” submission? Because this show is awful.
https://ift.tt/2XamZh8
Asked my bud what he’d do if the 1st Amendment was abolished.
He couldn't say
An old Jewish man was finally allowed to leave the Soviet Union, to emigrate to Israel.
When he was searched at the Moscow airport, the customs official found a bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The genius who thought up this worker's paradise! The official laughed and let the old man through. The old man arrived at Tel Aviv airport, where an Israeli customs official found the bust of Lenin. Customs: What is that? Old man: What is that? What is that?! Don't say "What is that?" say "Who is that?" That is Lenin! The sonofabitch! I will put him on display in my toilet for all the years he prevented an old man from coming home. The official laughed and let him through. When he arrived at his family's house in Jerusalem, his grandson saw him unpack the bust. Grandson: Who is that? Old man: Who is that? Who is that?! Don't say "Who is that?" say "What is that?" That, my child, is eight pounds of gold!
My favorite part of the bible is when God gives everyone free will…
..and then he kills them all in a flood for not doing what he tells them.
My wife asked me to prepare our 4 year old ginger son for his first day at school.
So I punched him & stole his lunch money.
To the individual who stole my glasses…
I will find you. I have contacts.
My grandpa got a prescription for Viagra.
Grandma's taking it pretty hard.
The average age to lose your virginity is 17 years old
I'm finally above average for something
The only person Trump ever hired who was actually qualified to do their job was Stormy Daniels
Now you know who the best people are
What do Elon Musk and the Nazis have in common?
They both give children serial numbers.
I want to tell you about a girl who only eats plants,
You’ve probably never heard of herbivore.
My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.
It’s okay if your phone autocorrects ‘fuck’ to ‘duck’
You’re still using fowl language.
Wrong E-mail Address
A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they had spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife set to fly down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her e-mail address, and without realizing his error, sent it. Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife Date: July 19, 2010 Subject: I've Arrived I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send e-mails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!
Why did it take Russia so long to invade Germany?
They were Stalin.
What is a weightlifter’s favorite city?
Gainesville
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan.
A United States Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a "Dear John" letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. To add injury to the insult, she said she wanted back the picture of herself that she had given him. So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. In all, he got more than 25 pictures of various women (some with clothes and some without). He then mailed them to his now-former girlfriend with the following note: "I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your picture and send the rest back."
My grandfather was gravely ill and his doctor suggested coating his body with Crisco.
He went downhill really fast after that.
Every kind of clickbait does these simple things:
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