This would cerTony be a Stark contrast to their other ads
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
Trump is at an elementary school assembly and asks,…
"Does anyone know what a tragedy is?" A kindergartener raises her hand and the president chooses her to answer, "A car crash." "No, not quite." Responds Trump, "that would be an 'accident' ". He then chooses a 4th grade boy. "If a school bus went off a cliff and all the kids died, that would be a tragedy." "Close, but not exacly, that's what we call a great loss" replies the president. Next, a 6th grader speaks up, "if a bomb went off in DC and killed you and all of congress, that would be a tragedy." "That's really great!" The president continues, "how did you know that?" "Well, it's clearly not an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss."
I identify as an elongated fish.
People say I'm mentally eel.
What do you call an acid with an attitude?
A – meano -acid
A schoolteacher explains to her class that she is a football fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too, are football fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand? "Because I'm not a football fan, " she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well if you are not a football fan, what sport are you a fan of? "I am a basketball fan and proud of it, " Mary replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Mary, why are you a basketball fan? " "Because my mum is a basketball fan, and my dad is a basketball fan, so I'm a basketball fan too!" "Well, " said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, "that is no reason for you to be a basketball fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would you be then? Mary smiled, and said…………… "then I'd be a football fan."
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
âHow long do you have to do that for?â I asked. âWhen is he too old for it?â âWell, itâs a physical bond between a mother and her child isnât it? Itâs only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.â âYeah, shut up Joe â I was talking to your mother.â
Jane was waiting for Sam to return from an outing with his boss. Around 6:30 p.m., she began to worry.
Sam finally stumbled in around 8pm, and looked exhausted and worn out. "What happened? You were supposed to be here 3 hours ago. You look horrible!" Sam caught his breath and collapsed on his couch. "We were playing golf… we got to the third hole, and the boss had a heart attack and died on the spot." Jane gasped. "Oh my God- that must have been horrible!" "Tell me about it," replied Sam. "For 15 more holes, it was hit the ball, drag the boss, hit the ball, drag the boss…"
I walked in on my girlfriend having sex with her personal trainer.
Me: "Ok, this isn't working out."
I ordered a latte at Starbucks.
The bloke made me a full cup and designed the foam to look like the Apple logo. "That's really creative," I said, "I appreciate it." "Thank you sir," he smiled, "That would be ÂŁ199."
Why don’t people joke about the Jonestown massacre?
The punchline is too long.
porno_collection.zip
* sigh * unzips
I wanted to name our son Miles but my wife thought we should go with something more universally accepted.
So we named him Kilometers
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said:
Fuck off, you won't bring it back
Man sits at a bar and orders five shots…
the bartender asks the guy, "What's up bud? You look rough." "Well," says the man, "I just found out my dad is gay and he's left my mom for some pool boy." "Ouch," says the bartender, "here, these are on the house today." A few days later the same guy comes in and orders another five shots. "Oh no man, what happened this time?" The bartender asks. "Just found out my brother is gay, he's left his wife for a man he met at a gay bar last week." "I'm sorry man," the bartender says, "these are on the house." Just one week later the guy comes in again and orders ten shots. The bartender asks, "Man! Doesn't anyone in your family like women?" The guy responds, "Yeah…my wife."
Donât buy anything with Velcro on it.
Itâs a total rip-off!
Picked up a hitchhiker last night. He said thanks how do you know Iâm not a serial killer?
I replied the chances of two serial killers being in the same car are astronomical.
What’s the difference between communism and a pencil?
The pencil works on things other than paper.
Why does seaguls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay, they would be bagels.
I hate it when kids these days write âangleâ instead of âangel.â
They are just trying to be edgy.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
Why is there no such thing as reverse cowgirl in Alabama?
Because you never turn your back on your own family.
A dad was washing his car with his son.
The son asked why they couldn't just use a sponge.
They really should have predicted the fall of Communism sooner.
After all, there were plenty of red flags.
What do you get if you tell the same joke every day for a month?
About 3K karma and a ban from r/jokes.
Whatâs the difference between in-laws and Outlaws?
Outlaws are wanted.
A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks âWhy is the last one so cheap?â
"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15. When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs. When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too. When the dad gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me Pete, haven't seen you for weeks!"
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
We all know Albert Einstein was a great man…
… but his brother Frank was a monster.
Wife: I haven’t seen you use the bathroom all week
Me: No shit. I'm constipated.
[NSFW] Did you hear about the drug addicted duck?
It couldnât stop getting high on quack