Those damn emojis.
“What can you offer this restaraunt as the new food runner?”
"Well, I bring a lot to the table for starters.
So a man walks into a bar..
A man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "If I show you a really good trick, will you give me a free drink?" The bartender considers it, then agrees. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. After the man finished his drink, he asked the bartender, "If I show you an even better trick, will you give me free drinks for the rest of the evening?" The bartender agrees, thinking that no trick could possibly be better than the first. The man reaches into his pocket and pulls out a tiny rat. He reaches into his other pocket and pulls out a tiny piano. The rat stretches, cracks his knuckles, and proceeds to play the blues. The man reaches into another pocket and pulls out a small bullfrog, who begins to sing along with the rat's music. While the man is enjoying his beverages, a stranger confronts him and offers him $100 000 for the bullfrog. "Sorry," the man replies, "he's not for sale." The stranger increases the offer to $250 000 cash up front. "No," he insists, "he's not for sale." The stranger again increases the offer, this time to $500 000 cash. The man finally agrees, and turns the frog over to the stranger in exchange for the money. "Are you insane?" the bartender demanded. "That frog could have been worth millions to you, and you let him go for a mere $500 000!" "Don't worry about it." the man answered. "The frog was really nothing special. You see, the rat's a ventriloquist."
My dad once told me that jacking off too much can make you go blind
Then I said "Dad, I'm over here."
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovahās Witness so he wouldnāt arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
What do you call a masturbating Vegan?
A WeedWhacker (sorry if itās awful first time on this sub)
A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled
The dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give the man. āNo way! No needles! I hate needles!ā the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects. āI canāt do the gas thing ā the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!ā The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill. āNo,ā the patient says, āI am fine with pills.ā The dentist then returns and says, āHere is a Viagra tablet.ā The patient says, āWow ā I didnāt know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!ā āIt doesnāt,ā said the dentist and continued: āBut it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.ā
Several men were in the locker room of the gym when a cell phone on a bench rang and a man put it on speaker and begins to talk. Everyone in the room stopped to listen.
Man: Hello! Woman: Hi honey, its me. Are you at the club? Man: Yes. Woman: Im at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. Its only $2000: is it OK if I buy it? Man: Sure, go ahead if you like that much. Woman: I also stopped by the Lexus dealership andĀ saw the new models. I saw one that I really liked. Man: How much? Woman: $90,000 Man: OK, but for that price I want it with all options. Woman: Great! Oh, and one more thing. I was just talking to Jane and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on market. They are asking $980,000 for it. Man: Well, then go ahead and offer $900,000. Theyāll probably take it. If not, we can go to the extra $80,000 if thatās what you really want. Woman: OK. See you later! I love you too much! Man: Bye, I love you too. The man hung up. The other men in the locker room were staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open. He turned and asked: Anyone knows whose phone is this?
Well we obviously can’t trust the word of a corrupt person that someone is corrupt
https://ift.tt/2OEEC3Z
My dad died last year when my family couldn’t remember his blood type in time for paramedics to save him
As he died, he kept insisting for us to "be positive," but it's hard without him
Who here believes in telekinesis?
Raise my hand. (Celebrating my first Fatherās Day as a dad with my first post in this sub!)
Who is the coldest comedian?
Bill Brrrr…
I think im addicted to Thanksgiving leftovers.
I'm going to quit cold turkey.
A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.
After rubbing on it, a genie pops out! The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day." The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the kids' screaming gets to his nerves, so he throws all his supplies and gives up. The C.E.O says "I'll be a waiter. All you do is carry food back and forth. This'll be a breeze" so he is teleported to a restaurant. After about an hour, all the annoying customers drive him insane, so he smashes his plates on the ground and gives up. The janitor says "I'll be an artist" so he is transported to an art facility. He glues all the classroom supplies and shattered plates to a canvas, then sells it for a billion dollars. The genie asks the janitor how he was so clever. The janitor says "I got a masters degree in art."
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
So I woke up to a blowjob this morning
It's the last time I sleep on the train with my mouth open
I can cut wood just by looking at it.
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo…
Weāll keep you updated as the story unfolds…
A Chinese guy in the U.S. goes to exchange his currency.
He exchanges CĀ„10,000 and gets US$1,500. The next day, he exchanges another CĀ„10,000, but gets only US$1,499. He asks why. The exchange clerk says, āFluctuations.ā The Chinese guy is shocked for a moment, and yells back, āFluctuamelicans!ā
Mom got a sex change operation
After being unhappy for many years my mother came to me and said she was going to get a sex change operation. I didn't fully understand but I was very supportive throughout the whole operation, then he came home. That's when it all started, all the time all day long horrible dad jokes, terrible puns and all around just awful humor. After a few weeks and being fed up, I realized something and I confronted them. "Did you seriously just have a sex change operation just for the dad jokes?!" I asked. He replied, "Oh you could see right through me, I must be so trans-parent."
Me running my code again without changing anything expecting it to suddenly compile
https://ift.tt/3bpzR73
Why is the Australian emergency line isā000ā?
Because itāll look the same when your phone is upside down.
A limbo champion walked into a bar.
He was disqualified.
Why was the Tatooine IRS always going after the sand people?
Because they single file to hide their numbers.
A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he’s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. “Cold floors,” he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.
He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."
Why didnāt the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack
Today is a day we celebrate motherfuckers.
Happy Father's Day!
Yesterday one of my good friends told me I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.
It was an incredibly hurtful thing to say and it completely ruined our bath.
Picture this: A pandemic is unleashed by ticks that live on and around the mouths of alpacas.
Global chaos ensues. The disease wipes out 99% of humanity, and the desperate survivors are forced to live in a post-alpaca lip tick wasteland.
I asked my wife what she wanted for Valentine’s Day and she told me she wanted a divorce.
I told her I wasn't planning on spending that much.
My deaf girlfriend was talking in her sleep last night.
Damn near poked my eye out.