Those damn lazy liberal Millenials
Fibonacci is my personal trainer.
Thanks to him I did 89 push ups in 10 seconds.
The wife and I decided we don’t want children.
We're telling them tomorrow.
A crusty old man walks into the local Lutheran Church and says to the secretary, “I would like to join this damn church.”
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to join this damn church!" "I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this church." And with that said, the secretary leaves her desk and walks into the pastor's study to inform him of her situation. The pastor agrees that the secretary does not have to listen to that foul language. They both return to her office and the pastor asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the problem here?" "There is no damn problem," the man says. "I just won $200 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to join this damn church to get rid of some of this damn money." "I see," said the pastor. "And is this bitch giving you a hard time?"
Why is it so easy to track Santa on Christmas Eve?
Because he always accepts cookies.
A guy sits down in a diner and asks for a bowl of hot chili…
The waitress says, "Sorry, but the guy next to you got the last bowl". He looks over and sees that the guy's finished his meal, but the bowl of chili is still full. He asks, "Are you going to eat that chili?" The other guy says, "No. Help yourself". He slides the bowl of chili over and starts to eat. When he gets about half way down, his spoon hits something. He looks down sees a dead mouse and immediately pukes all the chili back into the bowl. The other guy says, "Yeah, that's about as far as I got, too".
Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
It’s really time consuming.
I love Harry Potter but after re-reading the chapter the death-day party I realized something about nearly headless nick
He was a very poorly executed character
I beat my wife at dominos the other night.
She needs to learn that I choose the pizza toppings.
A proud mom gave birth to twins that she named Juan and Amal.
She only carries one picture because once you’ve seen Juan you’ve seen Amal.
What’s an opinion without 3.14?
An onion
Yesterday I went for a walk with a beautiful girl
When she noticed me, we went for a run
The Pope and Donald Trump are standing in front of a large crowd.
The Pope says to Trump, “Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoice!” Trump replies, “I seriously doubt that, with one wave of your hand? Show me!” So the Pope slapped him.
3:15pm So the hockey season got cancelled in Canada because of the coronavirus
6:30pm Canada is now testing the vaccine for coronavirus
My girl asked me if I were to have a threesome which of her friends I’d choose.
Apparently I was only supposed to choose one…
A charity was trying to convince the towns only millionaire in town to donate to them.
So they sent a worker to his mansion to try to convince him. When he asked the millionaire to donate, the millionaire became angry. "First," he said,"are you aware that my brother, a blind veteran who has four kids and a wife with terminal illness is being evicted in three days?" A little embarrassed, the charity worker replied. "Well, uhm no." "Also, did you know about my mother who is confined to a wheelchair and is living in a homeless shelter?" "Well no sir." "Exactly!" said the millionaire "So if I didn't help them, what makes you think I'll help you?"
A little boy and his father visited the country store, and upon leaving the store, the owner of the store offered the little boy some free Sweets…
“grab a hand full of Sweets", the merchant said to the boy. The boy just stood there looking up at his father. The owner repeated himself:- “Son get a hand full of Sweets… it’s free.” Again the boy did not move, continuing to look up in the face of his father. Finally the father reached into the candy jar and got a hand full of Sweets and gave it to his son. As they walked back home, the father stopped and asked his son why he did not grab a hand full of the free candy. The boy with a big smile on his face looked into the face of his father and said:- "Because I know that your hand is bigger than mine".
I got a root vegetable stuck in my eat and when i went to the hospital they ignored me!
It's like they didn't carrot all.
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
What movies are rated 3.1416 stars?
Pirated movies
We imported a tree from Canada.
It's pretty oak, eh.
Why do girls have nipples?
Because without them their tits would be pointless.
There were 2 fly’s on a toilet seat.
One got pissed off.
Have you heard of the dyslexic agnostic insomniac?
He stayed up all night wondering if there was a dog.
Why did Shakespeare only write in ink?
Pencils posed an issue; 2B or not 2B
I Don’t Understand Why People Have Been Hating On The Police.
Roxanne is a really good song.
Why do reddit users hate facebook?
Because you need to have friends to be on facebook.
My wife tells me I should never steal kitchen utensils…
…but it's a whisk that I'm willing to take