Those damn squirrels
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.
All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home. After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah. "How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson. It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdullah. "We're so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you since you are a "little different" from everyone." "Oh, no! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents." Abdullah said with a big smile. “There's a musician here – he's 85 years old. He hasn't played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him Maestro! There is a judge in here – he's 95 year old. He hasn't been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him Your Honour. There's a dentist here – 90 years old. He hasn't fixed a tooth for 25 years, and everyone still calls him Doctor. And me – I haven't had sex for 35 years and they still call me the Fucking Arab.
My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution…
Could this be a red flag?
What is Jesus’s favorite workout?
Crossfit
A bad workman always blames his fools…
Tools!! I meant tools!! Stupid keyboard…
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
I was walking through the park, when these two kids started verbally abusing me. So I told them off.
Then the mother got involved with a real volley of the worst swear words I have ever heard. So I asked her, are the children twins? She said how the fuck can they be twins? One is 12 the other is 8 you stupid fucking Prick. I replied, I couldn't imagine anyone fucking you twice..
Why was the boxer in the furniture shop?
He was shopping for beddingdingding.
Dad jokes?
Well of course Dad jokes! Dad is hilarious!
The other day I took my Grandma to one of those spas where the little fish eat your dead skin
It was way cheaper than having her buried in the cemetery
My book on clocks finally arrived
It’s about time!
I gave the lawn a good cut today.
20% of everything all the money we stole.
A man saw a lady with big breasts. He asked, “Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?” She agrees, so they go to a secluded corner
She opens her blouse and the man puts his face in her breasts for 10 minutes." Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?" He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
I wanted to become a doctor…
But, I just didn't have the patients…
some guys told me this isn’t boomer humor.. wife ugly but she put big things in mouth hehe
https://ift.tt/2z5YrvC
What do you get when you mix a Jewish family with fruit?
Apple Jews (Please don’t take this offensively I’m a dumb 12 year old)
What did the nut say when chasing the other nut?
I’m a cashew
What do you use to draw baths
Water colors
Why do polar bears only live at the north pole?
Because if they also lived at the south pole, they would be bipolar bears.
Why did Princess Peach choke?
Because Mario came down the wrong pipe.
I had a hen who could count her own eggs.
She was a mathemachicken.
What did the police officer say to his belly button?
You’re under a vest!
My favorite time of the day is 6:30
Hands down
At an interview they asked where I saw myself in five years
I answered: “Well, I think my greatest weakness is my poor listening skills.”
Knock knock.
Who's there? Boo. Boo who? Aw, don't cry. It's just a joke.
I had a near-sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
According to the psychiatrist, my mind thinks that I’m a plant.
It's really hard to be leaf.
Africa only has two seasons
Hot and wet and hot and miserable.
I’ve washed my hands so many times this week
That I revealed cheat notes from a calculus test from 1972
A slice of apple pie in Jamaica is $2.00. In the Bahamas, it is $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
A group of photographers went out to dinner..
As they sat at their table, taking photos of their food for social media, one of the photographers realized he hadn't been given water. He approached the bar and asked for a glassful, with which the bartender obliged. Rather than immediately leaving, he stood there and stared at the bartender for a moment before returning to his seat. Soon enough, he found himself thirsty again, and took another trip to the bar, and once again stared at the bartender. This happened again and again throughout the night, with the bartender becoming progressively more frustrated by the photographers persistent requests for glasses of water and uncomfortable stares. Finally, on the photographers fifteenth trip, the bartender loses his cool and yells, "Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!"
Husband: The kids haven’t eaten their sandwiches
Wife: ok just throw them out [Later] Husband: helping the kids pack a suitcase look I'm as surprised as you are
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…
…you need to let that mango
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them… it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face."
