Those emojis tho
I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk…..
…..but I never got the chants.
A redhead tells her blonde sister, “I slept with a Brazilian…”
The blonde replies: "Oh My Gosh! You slut! How many is a Brazilian?"
What do you call a red neck who works for ISIS?
Y’all Qaeda.
Prince Hamlet was having trouble finding out the proportion of sluts to non-sluts in Denmark.
So he asked his friend Horatio.
Public Apology
I apologize to everyone in the sub about my earlier post. I was trying to make a funny joke, but I spelled the title wrong and couldn't go back. After that, everything spiraled out of control. I thought about deleting it and pretending it never happened, even denying it's very existence, but after a moment of reflection I realized: There's no use lying over spelled milk.
What is the difference between a person who works in landscaping and someone who collects coffee?
One is a groundskeeper while the other is a grounds keeper
7 dwarves in a bath and they all felt Happy
So Happy got out.
Trump book
Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?" The clerk angrily said, "Fuck off, get out and stay out!" I said, "Yes! That's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
The ground floor of buildings are really terrible.
The next floor, however, is a different story.
My son asked me for $100 in bitcoins.
I said, "$9 in bitcoins, why would you want $67 in bitcoins?"
Discord + Google Mail + Outlook = Headache
Me: *updates Discord*Discord: Seems like you’re trying to sign in from another computer.Me: Ehm, I’m not actually.Discord: Please solve these 20 CAPTCHA images.Me: Fine…Discord: Good job! Now click the link in the mail we’ve sent you.Me: *checks mail*Gmail: No new mail, sorry pal.Me: *goes through the unnecessarily complicated process of forcing Gmail to check for new mails on a connected POP3 account*Gmail: No mail from Discord.Me: *sigh* *checks Outlook*Outlook: Looks like you’re trying to login from another computer.Me: I am not!Outlook: Please check your backup mail address for an authentication code.Me: Google?Gmail: Don’t look at me. No new mail.Me: *forces Google to check for new mails on another POP3 account*Gmail: Ah, there it is.Outlook: Nice one.Me: … Why the hell is the Discord Mail in the junk folder?Outlook: It looks suspicious.Me: Wha- It is not spam!Outlook: Oki-dokie, I put it in your inbox for you.Me: Thanks for doing your job I guess… Google?Outlook: Why don’t you just use me.Me: There is no way I’m rewarding you for this BS.Outlook: But-Me: *closes tab*Gmail: No new mail.Me: Check the f-ing POP3 accounts!Gmail: One new mail. \o/Me: Finally. *clicks on link*Discord: Link expired.Me: … *throws the computer out the window*
The quarantine has brought a bountiful harvest to the family group chat from my mother
https://ift.tt/2QV4ppk
TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.
Now millions of people can breathe easier.
In college, I lived in a houseboat and started dating the girl next door.
Eventually we drifted apart.
Justice is a dish best served cold.
Otherwise it would be justwater.
A math professor, John, is having problems with his sink so he calls a plumber.
The plumber comes over and quickly fixes the sink. The professor is happy until he gets the bill. He tells the plumber, "How can you charge this much? This is half of my paycheck." But he pays it anyways. The plumber tells him, "Hey, we are looking for more plumbers. You could become a plumber and triple your salary. Just make sure you say you only made it to 6th grade, they don't like educated people." The professor takes him up on the offer and becomes a plumber. His salary triples and he doesn't have to work nearly as hard. But the company makes an announcement that all of their plumbers must get a 7th grade education. So they all go to night school. On the first day of night school they all attend math class. The teacher wants to gauge the class so he asks John, "What is the formula for the area of a circle?" John walks up to the board and is about to write the formula when he realizes he has forgotten it. So he begins to attempt to derive the formula, filling the board with complicated mathematics. He ends up figuring out it is negative pi times radius squared. He thinks the minus doesn't belong so he starts over, but again he comes up with the same equation. After staring at the board for a minute he looks out at the other plumbers and sees that they are all whispering, "Switch the limits on the integral!"
A colon can completely change a sentence.
Mary ate her friend's lunch. Mary ate her friend's colon.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When the punchline becomes apparent.
I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat
So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland
Finland has just closed its borders
There’s no way we can cross the Finnish line now.
I proposed to my girlfriend in the gym yesterday
But it didn't workout.
Why does Dwayne Johnson sleep under a pile of magazines?
Because paper covers rock!
I fucking hate recursion
I fucking hate recursion, its the dumbest fucking solution to the easiest problems in coding. Like what the fuck? Have you every heard of big O notation? Of course you fucking haven’t, you bumbling cretin. I would explain it if your brain didn’t recurse on itself. How am I supposed to understand fucking “Henry McGyvers” code over here where you can’t tell where it even produces any values at the fucking root of things. Why would a function call itself, you fucking idiot? Why would you ever think that? Why not use a while loop? Or a for loop? Or literally anything that’s better than a program sucking itself off until it cums with the answer that you might want, I guess. Jesus fucking christ.
My wife emailed me a photo of our first date together, but I couldn’t open the file.
I have trouble with emotional attachments.
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Why did the grizzly get an F on his project?
Because he did the bear minimum.
A fish pooped on my shoes today
That Bass-turd
My boss hates when I shorten his name to Dick.
Especially because his name’s Steve.
A son went up to his dad one day and asked him the difference between hypothetical and reality.
“Well, son, I could explain it. But it would be better if I showed you.” “Ok, dad. How will you do that?” “Go up to your mom and ask her if she would have sex with her boss for $500,000.” So the son asks his mom, and she responds back with “fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok. Now go ask your sister if she would have sex with her principal for $500,000.” So the son asks his sister, and she responds with “Fuck yeah I would!” The son then runs to his dad and says “Dad! Dad! She said ‘fuck yeah I would!’” “Ok son. Now the hypothetical situation is that we are now millionaires. But the reality is that we live with a couple of whores.”
My local supermarket stocks the Raspberry Pi magazines in the cooking section
https://ift.tt/2Od2utX
I accidentally sprayed deodorant in my mouth
Now when I talk I have this weird axe scent
