Those pesky cats, ha.. ha..
What starts with a “W” and ends with “hat”…
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I’m scared of π
It's an irrational fear
Circumcised people get their foreskin….
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My dad has a camera pointing at the river outside
He likes to keep up with current events.
I stole my ex girlfriend’s wheelchair
Guess who came crawling back
My son is now at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I guess I'll have to hide it somewhere else now.
What do you call a zombie who writes his own music?
A decomposer.
I heard the atheists are trying to get tax exempt status now
they are a non-prophet organization
Harry has decided to go into acting with his wife, Meghan Markle
He’ll be know as The Artist Formerly Known as Prince
Why do fish do bad in school?
They are bellow the C level.
What do you call a pregnant woman?
A bodybuilder
I used to be addicted to soap
But I'm clean now
I threw my wife a bukakke party the other night…
Everybody came.. You should have seen her face
Has anyone heard “Duvet Know it’s Christmas?”
It's a cover version.
A priest, a rabbit, and a minister walk into a bar.
The bartender says to the rabbit, "What can I get ya, sir?" The rabbit says, " I have no idea. I'm only here because of Autocorrect."
How does Yoda ask a rooster to draw a picture?
"Cock, a doodle do."
A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up
The gas pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them, but I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."
I invented a new word
Plagiarism!
If your here for pee jokes, urine luck
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Camouflage clothing is so ugly…
It's no wonder you don't see anyone wearing it.
I lost 150 pounds!
Unfortunately it was at a casino in England
It’s kind of silly we’re trying turning plants into burgers
Haven’t cows been doing that for like, forever?
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
My fiancé thinks I have an unhealthy obsession with assassins creed
and if I wear my robes to the wedding she’ll leave me at the Altaïr
I hate it when my wife says “Are you listening to me?!”
Such a random way to start a conversation.
Everybody knows Dave!
Everybody knows Dave Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them." Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?" "No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and Tom Cruise shouts, "Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer!" Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else," Dave says. "President Obama," his boss quickly retorts. "Yup," Dave says, "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington," and off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a beer first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else. "Pope Francis," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave. "I've known the Pope for years." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican's St. Peter's Square when Dave says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope." He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "It was the final straw… you and the Pope came out on to the balcony and the man next to me said, 'Who the fuck is that on the balcony with Dave?'
There’s radical feminist plot to attack the postal service…
They heard it was a mail dominated industry.. ( Possibility OC?)
When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French!” after a swear word…
I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French…
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
A cowboy thought he had 100 cows but when he counted them there were only 97
So he rounded them up.
I like using zoom for immunology, because I can make things like this during class.
https://ift.tt/2SjV8b3
A woman looks into the mirror and says to her husband:
"I feel fat, old and ugly, give me a compliment". The man replies: "Your eyes are still working great".