Those pesky liberals and their “phony” Constitution
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
So original post was taken down because there was no caption so here’s the meme again with the original debate that inspired it
I only believe in about 12.5% of the bible
I’m an eighth-theist
You can accuse virgins of a lot of things
But when it comes to relationships, they ain't fucking around.
My girlfriend told me she had slept with 5 men before we met.
I wouldnt mind, but I was only 30 minutes late.
My wife forgot the code to her luggage, but I figured it out.
You can say… I solved the case.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It’s a bit hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
I do this with my passwords not this exactly but thought it was funny enough to share.
https://ift.tt/2SHGF9A
Spoiler alert:
It makes the trunk of the car look better
I zipped up my jeans and got my penis caught in the zipper. I painfully shouted out…..
"Username checks out"
Her: I think we need to break up. I’m sick of your addiction to Burger King.
Me: Fine. Have it your way.
I Can swear, I’ve seen someone who did the last one, and complained it didn’t work!😂
https://ift.tt/2NaXfvM
A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down…
a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!” “What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief. The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. On her way down yet another gentleman peeks his head out and catches her by the hand, this time from the 16th floor. “I’ll save your life if you promise to fuck me after.” He offers while holding on to her hand. “Absolutely not! How could you say such a thing? Just save me! I need help and I don’t want to fall to my death you sick fuck!!” At this point she is pissed, but the gentleman let’s go of her hand and she continues to fall. On her way down, a gentleman sticks his hand out and catches her, this time from the 7th floor. As he is pulling her inside of his window, she frantically exclaims “I’ll suck!! I’ll fuck!! I’ll do anything for you!!” The gentleman pauses for a split second and mutters under his breath: “What a whore” and proceeds to drop her.
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
An old man walks into a chemist and starts examining packs of viagra…
Nurse: Do you need any help there, sir? Old Man: Yes, every Saturday my wife wants to have sex, but unfortunately, I can never get an erection. Which brand of viagra would you recommend? Nurse: Well sir, everyone is different, but if you come with me to the counter, I can get you a pack that is proving very popular with our customers. The old man follows the nurse to the counter, she turns around, bends over and picks up the viagra from the bottom shelf, as she turns back around, the old man is already walking away Old Man: Thank you very much, I'll see you again next Saturday.
A gorilla walks into a bar
A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the bartender is just at a loss for words. He can't believe that a gorilla walked into his bar, ordered a martini, and then actually had a twenty-dollar bill to pay for it. So, in amazement, he takes the twenty and walks to the cash register to make the change. While he's standing in front of the cash register he stops for a second and thinks to himself, "Let me try something here and see if the gorilla notices anything." So he walks back over to the gorilla and hands him a dollar change. The gorilla doesn't say anything, he just sits there sipping the martini. After a few minutes the bartender just can't take it anymore. "You know," he says to the gorilla, "we don't get too many gorillas in here." And the gorilla says, "At nineteen dollars a drink I'm not surprised."
I Didn’t Drop the Soap
No text found
My wife is amazing
She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!
Tom retires from the Police after 30 years.
Sick of the stress, he buys 50 acres of land in Alaska as far from humanity as possible. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name's Jess, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a Christmas party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00 . . .” “Great,” says Tom. After six months alone out here he was ready to meet some local folks. "Thank you.” As Jess is leaving, he stops, “Gotta warn you. Be some drinkin'.” “Not a problem”, says Tom. “After 30 years in the business, I can drink with the best of 'em.” Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. “More'n likely gonna be some fightin' too.” “Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again.” “More'n likely be some wild sex, too.” “Now that‟s really not a problem,” says Tom, warming to the idea. “I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, should I wear something nice?” “Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us.”
A Transgender goes to a dominatrix
The dominatrix never had a transgender client before, but she was a professional, over 5 years in the field, so she decided to agree to take the job. On the first day, she asked: "How should I refer to you, what pronoun do you go by?" Trans person: "Them". And as time goes by they keep talking and getting to know each other, they even tell jokes. After a couple sessions the trans person says "Hey can you tell me that joke you told yesterday again? It was hilarious!", the dom says sure and tells the joke again, but unsure what's funny about hearing the same joke twice. They keep meeting up, having a laugh, all the while engaging in dom sex. After a few weeks of this, the dominatrix is at a coffee shop with her friend when the trans client shows up and says hi. Her friend, surprised, asks "How do you know him?" "They're a client" the dom replied, "but they have a weird fetish" "What is it?" asked the friend, leaning in to hear some gossip "This sub loves when you tell them the same jokes every day!" Edit: consistency with pronouns
I asked my Welsh friend how many sexual partners he’d had.
He started counting but he fell asleep.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused…
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia…
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
They are show shellfish.
A woman goes to the doctor’s to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, “Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?”
Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?" The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin." "Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!" "Well…" says the doctor. "Am I right, then? Do you have a boyfriend from Wisconsin?" She smiles and explains, "Nope, but I've got a girlfriend from Michigan!"
My wife told me to take the spider out
We had a good night, he was nice, wants to be a web developer
Not typical young people or wife bashing, but i felt like this was a pretty boomer joke
https://ift.tt/2ZPoEb4
I was playing chess with my friend and he said, ‘let’s make this interesting’.
So we stopped playing chess.
I don’t often tell dad jokes
But when I do, he usually laughs
Do not accept a FB friend request from Hormel Foods…
It could be Spam.
My boss is like school in summertime..
No class.
A genie asked, “What’s your first wish?” Steve answered, “I wish I was rich!” And the genie said…
"What’s your second wish, Rich?"
Uuhhhhh someone messed up
https://ift.tt/2Ztrunc
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
My chickens got really upset when their home was destroyed.
But they'll recoup.
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
Well well well bois…Its time for a new (and better) plan!
My mirror is really enjoying quarantine.
It has a lot time to reflect.