Though shall not speak the truth
A priest hooks a huge fish
A priest hooks a huge fish Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!". "Hey, mind your language!" says the priest. Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish". Accepting the explanation, the priest forgives the sailor and takes the fish back to church. "Look at this huge fucker" says the priest, spotting the bishop. "Language, please! this is God's house," replies the bishop. "No, no that's what this fish is called, "says the priest. "Oh," says the bishop, scratching his chin "I could clean that fucker and we could have it for dinner". So the bishop takes the fish, cleans it, and brings it to the mother superior. "Could you cook this fucker for dinner tonight?" he asks her. "My, what language!" she exclaims, clearly shocked. "No, sister that's what the fish is called – a fucker", says the bishop. Satisfied with the explanation, the mother superior says, "Wonderful, I'll cook that fucker tonight, The Pope is coming for dinner!" The fish tastes just great and The Pope asks where they got it. "Well, I caught the fucker!" says the priest. "And I cleaned the fucker!" says the bishop. "And I cooked the fucker!" says the mother superior. The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely glaze, leans back on his chair, takes off his cap, puts his feet up on the table, pours himself a whiskey and says:" You know what?, You cunts are alright."
What did the drummer name his children?
Anna 1, Anna 2
What’s the difference between a shitty golfer and a shitty skydiver?
The shitty golfer goes, -WHAM!- "FUCK!" The shitty skydiver goes, "FUCK!" -WHAM!-
My girlfriend has the same first name as my sister
It makes it really weird when I'm fucking her and I think of my girlfriend.
Did you know it’s illegal to water your plants in China ?
It causes the microphones to rust
I just took an online IQ test…
"404" sounds pretty fucking high!
I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to do 34.5
She asked "what's that?" I said "it's like 69 but you do all the work"
So, little Johnny has a report due for government class…
He asks his dad to explain government. His dad thinks for a minute, and explains it like this: I am Congress, your mom is the judicial system, your sister is the unemployed, you are the group too young to vote, and the maid is the working class. So that night, little Johnny is trying to figure out what his dad meant, and got up to get a drink. On his way to the kitchen, he watched his sister sneak out of the house with her boyfriend. He grabbed his drink, and on the way back to his room, he saw his dad sneak down to the maid's room. The next morning he tells his dad, so I think I have it figured out. His dad asks, so how do you think it works? Little Johnny says: "The unemployed are out fucking around while Congress is screwing the working class, the judicial system is asleep, and the people too young to vote are watching it all happen…"
At school I was always really successful at spelling bees
Other words I found much harder
So I said to Arnie: “Where did you get those toilet rolls?”
He said: "Aisle B, Back."
A man in an interrogation room says “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
Cop: You are the lawyer. Lawyer: Exactly, so where’s my present?
Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
I never liked myself with facial hair…
but since I stopped shaving this beard has been growing on me.
Today i taught my son a lesson by eating his homework.
Tomorrow he will learn that most people do not believe you, even if you tell the truth.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school yesterday?
He slept all through math.
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
A slice of apple pie is £2.50 in Jamaica and £3 in the Bahamas
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
The first rule of vegan fight club.
Tell everyone about vegan fight club. Edit: Credit goes to Aba and Preach on YouTube.
Today I thought of a color that doesn’t exist…
but then I realized it was just a pigment of my imagination.
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while . . .
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians." There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd . . . "
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on!
I’ve been asking people what LGBTQ is
Nobody will give me a straight answer
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He'll stop at nothing to avoid them.
Why was 2019 afraid of 2020?
Because today they got into a fight, and 2021! Happy new year y’all!
I had a dream I was a muffler.
Woke up exhausted.
I went to the therapist after my phone died.
I just needed an outlet.
My girlfriend and I are trying the whole “long distance relationship thing”
Also, the police say on top of having to stay 100 feet away, I need to stop referring to her as my "girlfriend"
Student: Can I borrow a pencil?
Teacher: I don't know, can you borrow a pencil? Student: Aha, but I clearly meant to ask for permission. Since you and the rest of the class understood my intent perfectly well, and the word "may" to show permission is rapidly falling out of fashion, there is nothing wrong with asking you whether I can borrow a pencil. Teacher: Possibly so, in colloquial speech. Discerning context can help us decipher the nuance of each sentence on a case-by-case basis. However, as your teacher, my task is to teach you the intricacies and nuances of the English language with rigor, so that you may have a greater mastery of the language in order to effectively and precisely control what you want to communicate. In this case, the difference between the words "can" and "may". Student: Point taken. May I borrow a pencil? Teacher: No, you may not. The state cut funding for education again.
For me, sex is like a game
I watch it online, because I can’t afford it.
Teaching my 3 month baby girl C++, wanna make sure she gets OOP by the time she talks.
https://ift.tt/32pWaG8
Did you hear about the frog that was raised by bunnies?
All it could say was "rabbit".
Bad knock-knock joke #2
Knock, knock. Who's there? Control freak. Control fr- Okay, now you say "Control freak who?"
Anal sex is a lot like my first car…
I didn't really want it, but my uncle gave it to me anyway.
Dear redditors, I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision.
I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs…phone rings, but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently, although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I sometimes stay awake to look out for her cab coming home, but she always comes walking up the drive as I hear the sound of a car leaving, around the corner, as if she has gotten out and walked the rest of the way. Why? Maybe she wasn't in a taxi at all? I once picked up her cell phone, just to see what time it was. This caused her to go completely berserk. She quickly snatched the phone out of my hand and cursed me hysterically, screaming that I should never touch her personal property, then accused me of trying to spy on her. Anyway, I have never broached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley Davidson Lowrider next to the garage and then hide behind it so I could get a good view of the street around the corner when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my motorcycle that I noticed a small amount of motor oil leaking through the gasket between the rear head and rocker arm cover. So…is this something I can easily repair myself or do you think I should take it back to the dealer?
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four chin teller
I was applying for Australian citizenship and the interviewer asked, “Do you have a criminal record?”
I said, “No. Is that still required?”