Thought I might crosspost it here
I failed my driving test today. I was driving down a country road with the examiner, when a rabbit ran out right in front of the car.
I remembered my instructor said you should never swerve or try to avoid an animal, because it's dangerous and you can end up causing a more serious accident.You should always just hit it and keep on driving. Had to chase that little bugger for miles across the fields before I finally got it!
People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.
Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.
A man decided to have a face lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the result. On his way home he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper. Before leaving he says to the sales Clerk, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 35," was the reply. "I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy. After that he goes into McDonalds for lunch, and asks the order taker the same question, to which the reply is, "Oh you look about 29." "I am actually 47!" This makes him feel really good. While standing at the bus stop he asks an old woman the same question. She replies, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for ten minutes I will be able to tell your exact age." As there was no one around, the man thought what the hell and let her slip her hand down his pants. Ten minutes later the old lady says, "OK, it's done. You are 47." Stunned the man says, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?" The old lady replies, "I was behind you in McDonalds."
He was a decent philosopher, but a lousy cabinet maker.
Officer: It was a moving violation
One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.
They both border on stupidity.
No text found
They both become useless after opening windows.
Dad: "I think you mean May I"
she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!
giving us time to change the song.
But, to be fair, they have striking similarities
Now he's in pane.
i don’t know why everyone thought 73-year-old Bernie Sanders was too old to run for president four years ago…
…after all, he was in his prime.
There, they’re, their.
A happy, hollow ween!
It’s the only time I’m ever wanted
Creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
There's a lot of red flags you need to watch out for.
I'm moving up in this world..
No One was shocked
They're quite good at twigonometree.
She said “yes, the others were at least eights or nines”
Nuts and bolts
She was shellfish.
He tried to walk on ice before it was cool