Thought this belonged here
Why did the Little Mermaid wear seashells?
Because Dshells were too big.
NSFW Back in the 1990’s, a baby boy was born without eyelids.
His parents go to a plastic surgeon and the surgeon finds out the boy hasn’t been circumcised yet. The foreskin has nearly the same tissue as the eyelids, so the surgeon suggests a procedure using the baby’s foreskin to fix this problem. Ecstatic, the parents agree. After a few hours of surgery, it was a success! The boy is fine now, he’s just a little cock-eyed.
How did Darth Vader know what Luke got him for Christmas?
He felt his presents!
My wife thought I wouldn’t be stupid enough to give our daughter a silly name.
But I decided to call her Bluff.
You can’t change the weather in the tree
But you can climate
There was once a cross eyed teacher
They couldn’t control their pupils
The shovel was one of the greatest invention
This invention was ground breaking
The Teacher Asked the Class to Name Something that Ends in -Tor and Eats Things.
Gabe raised his hand first. He said, "Predator." "Clever answer! They sure eat things!" The teacher told him. Next, Dylan raised his hand. "Oh! I know! Raptor!" "You are very smart! Raptors eat many different things," the teacher said. Then, little Timmy answered. "Vibrator!" The class went dead silent. The teacher told Timmy, "Um Timmy, I don't think vibrators eat things…" Timmy was confused. "Really? My sister told me it ate through batteries like crazy!"
Why couldn’t Emperor Augustus attend the silent disco?
Because he was 2 BC.
At a wedding I whispered to a guy next to me,
"Isn't the bride a right ugly dog" "Do you mind. That's my daughter you're talking about" "I'm sorry, I didn't know you were her father''… "I'm not . . . I'm her fucking mother.
What’s the worst thing a woman can hear after giving Willie Nelson a blowjob?
"I'm not Willie Nelson."
Why can’t miss piggy count to 100?
Because when she reaches 69 she gets a frog in her throat.
What did the necklace say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I’ll hang around.
Color Blind
I have recently been diagnosed with color blindness. It really came out of the purple. Don’t hurt me.
An engineer and a mathematician.
An engineer wakes up and realizes his bed is on fire. He spots a sink and a bucket, so he goes to the sink, fills the bucket, and douses the fire before going back to sleep. A mathematician wakes up to find his bed is on fire. He spots the sink and the bucket and then goes to sleep satisfied because he knows the solution exists.
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
It overswept.
My ex-girlfriend’s father, a 6’4″ retired marine, angrily banged on my door last week.
I opened it and he said, "My daughter came back home crying and penniless because of you!" "Sir?" I asked. "When you told me she was old enough to move out of our house, I was skeptical…" "Yes, sir" "But you talked to me man to man, looked me in the eye and told me you would take care of her!" "Yes, sir" "And you promised me that if she moved in with you and took care of the house she could quit her job and you would cover her weekly income!" "Yes sir, but I believe this is simple misunderstanding. When I said that, it was two words, not one." The nurse tells my I may be transferred from the ICU next Wednesday.
How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?
"you mean a choir?" Fine… How much does it cost to "acquire" a large singing group?
A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.
She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded: "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?" “We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!" "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?" "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste." "Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha' doing when you get there?" "We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope." "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people are trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it." A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. “It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!" "Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope." "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand, I knelt down, and he spoke a few words to me." "Oh, really! What did he say?" "He said: 'Where did you get the shitty hairdo?'" Edit: Thank you for the gold.
Bricks are the happiest construction materials.
They're always getting laid.
My uncle with a stutter was recently sent to prison…
He's never going to finish his sentence.
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel’s hair isn’t chopped off at the end.
They're calling it the Uncut Edition.
I like my women like i like my toasters
Turned on and in the bath tub with me
I asked my Aunt”How much is a couple?”
"2 or 3" she replied. Probably explains why her marriage collapsed.
I want to die in my sleep like my grandpa
Not screaming like the passengers in the car.
We cannot allow this year to end
That would be admitting that 2021
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose.
What do you call a closet full of lesbians?
A liquor cabinet.
A woman was sitting at her dead husband’s funeral.
A man leans toward her and asks, "Do you mind if I say a word?" "No, go ahead," replies the woman. The man stands, clears his throat, and says, "Plethora," then sits back down. "Thanks," says the woman, "that means a lot."
What do you call a 25 cent hooker?
A quarter pounder.
I saw 2 guys in matching outfits and asked if they were gay…
They arrested me.
[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.
She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.” I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”
Apparently, North Korea now has a missile that can hit New York, which is a bit scary.
If it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
I told a girl to text me when she got home
She must be homeless..