Thought this belongs here
I'm dreading it…
Alien vs. predator.
So when they return to port, they can Scandinavian!
I texted her "Oh pun the door!"
He teaches Taekwon D'oh!
My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”
I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”
Your Mercedes bends
unless it's spelt incorrectly.
He bequeaths his vast fortune to his two sons. However, the sensible and hard-working Moshe only gets one tavern, while the dissolute drunkard Yasha gets everything else. The rabbi, who came to visit the dying man, tries to instruct him to the path of wisdom: "It's none of my business, of course… It's your money and your sons… But Yasha will drink away all your fortune in six months!!!" "Correct. But where would he drink it away if there is only one tavern in town?"
They did unspeakable things to her.
The Chinese refuse to acknowledge Ty won.
She said, “You can’t do this to me!” I said, “I know… that’s why I’m doing it to her.”
Runs in the family.
A man ask for absolution to a priest during conffession. The priest tells the man ” is clear that you are too attached to money so as a penance give 20€ to the first person you meet outside of the church, it doesn’t matter who he or she will be”. So the man leaves the church and walks away
After a few minutes, finally, he sees someone, is a woman, from her appearance alone he understands that the she is a prostitute but he remember Father's words "it doesn't matter who he or she will be". So he approaches her and trys to give her the 20€. The woman is furious! "You think you can have me for just 20€? Who do you think I am? You'll need at least 100€." she says. The man is confused so he responds "I'm sorry, surely there has been a misunderstanding, the priest of the nearby church told me to give you 20€". She replays "now I see… listen to me darling, he pays 20 € because he is a loyal customer! But he can't send all his friend here expecting me to make discount for everyone! " P. S. I'm sorry for my very bad English :p
A mexican woman walks into a car dealership and starts looking at a car. A salesman asks if she needs any help or got any questions.
Her: Cargo space? Salesman: Car no do that. Car no fly.
He wakes up one night and opens the closet and he sees himself. Scared, he quickly calls the cops “Police! There’s a burglar in my closet, come quickly!” A police man arrives at the idiots house and opens the closet and finds the mirror. He takes a step back and slaps the idiot as hard as he can. “Why did you call me when you already had a policeman inside?!”
The money wasn't great, but he got to keep the tips.
The closer you get to the butt the more intense the flavor.
The guy sat next to me on the train pulled out a photo of his wife and said, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?” I said, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend mate.”
He said, “Why? Is she a stunner?” I said, “No, she’s an optician.”
Not having potatoes.
Not an original joke but hilarious nonetheless. Presented for your enjoyment. This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air. Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts. Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good. About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you." "What do you mean?" asked his wife. "Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
A receding hare line
I was passing by my son’s bedroom and was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow, addressed to, ‘Dad’. With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands…
"Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want. In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren. Love, your son, Joshua. P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
Otherwise we'd have a pandademic.
As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about its origin. "Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday." "Yesterday?!" she gasps. "How did they hit it off so quickly?" "Well, he's a wonderful lover, for one. He's a really nice guy, of course. And to top it off," he said, leaning into a whisper, "he's got a 10 inch cock!" She blushes. "Sounds like a catch to me! Where can I find him?" "He's just a block over. But fair warning, he's also a little kooky. He's only interested in women named after flowers. If I meet someone like that, I send them his way, and then he sends me the flower as a thank you. Yesterday was Rose, and a week ago, I recommended a woman named Violet to him," he said, indicating a slightly wilted violet in a vase behind him. The woman thanks him for the info and leaves the shop, bitter about her own name. Undeterred, she visits the well-endowed florist. She steps up to the counter and pointedly says, "I heard you are particularly…skilled in certain areas?" He smirks. "What is your name?" Pouting slightly, she replies "Kris." His smile falters, and his head sinks as he shakes his head. Kris's heart drops. "Well then…if it's not too much trouble, I'd like some flowers for my mother." Suddenly, he brightens up again. Without another word, he takes her hand and locks the shop door. Three hours of mind-altering sex later, she bids him goodbye with a kiss. "And please," he says, "tell your mother she is welcome to as many flowers from my shop as she would like." Taken aback, she promises to convey the message, and calls her mother that night to tell her everything. The next day, Kris feels like a million bucks and swings by the original florist's shop. "I just wanted to thank you for telling me about that gentleman! He was AMAZING!" He smiles sheepishly. "I suppose I should thank you too. I just got another beautiful flower for recommending you to him." "Really? What flower could he have possibly sent that was named after me?" The florist sighs. "Chrysanthemum." EDIT: Just to be clear, this is 100% OC. I wrote it several months ago and have posted it a few times since then. This is a slightly tweaked version from the last one. I deleted all but the most recent first posting.
The father sighs, places his hand on the boy's shoulder and replies wistfully: "We tried, but nobody would take you"
Which is why I eat hotdogs in under 6 seconds… So it doesn't get weird.
They have two shifts.