Thought this belongs here
Why don’t fairies live under toadstools?
Because there's not mushroom!
I can chop wood just by looking at it.
I saw it with my own eyes.
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side!
My little daughter came to me all excited, saying, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in June!”
“Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” I said. She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers. It’s now three hours later, police have joined in and she still won’t say where she got them.
My wife asked me if I wanted kids…
I told her, no, but I wouldn't mind playing with the box they came in.
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
Why has Japan had so many conflicts and wars?
Because they have lots of animes.
A horse walks into a bar. The bar tender says “Hey.”
The horse says "Sure."
NSFW I once got my ex’s name tattooed on my penis…
Her name was Wendy and i had it done when I was hard and now you can only see W and Y when soft. One day I was on holiday in Jamaica, using the restroom I noticed a Jamaican man with the same WY tattoo. I asked if he had Wendy tattooed on his penis aswell. He replied: "nah bro it says, Welcome to Jamaica and have a nice day"
How can you tell if an ant is male or female?
Throw it in water. If it sinks, its a girl ant, otherwise its buoyant
I walked in the lounge to find my wife breastfeeding our son.
“How long do you have to do that for?” I asked. “When is he too old for it?” “Well, it’s a physical bond between a mother and her child isn’t it? It’s only the society that deems it unacceptable above a certain age.” “Yeah, shut up Joe – I was talking to your mother.”
I once bought shoes from a drug dealer…
I don't know what they were laced with, but I've been tripping all day
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer
I don’t know what he laced them with but I was trippin’ all day
My girlfriend just dumped me for talking too much about video games
What a ridiculous thing to fallout 4
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
So I’ve been asking what LGBTQ is,
But nobody will give me a straight answer.
A Roman walks into a bar and says “I’ll have a martinus.”
The bartender asks “Don’t you mean a martini?” In response the Roman says “If I wanted a double I’d have asked for it!”
Some people like floors
but I’m more of a ceiling fan
I got in touch with my inner self today.
That's the last time I use cheap toilet paper.
Why does Waldo wear stripes?
He didn't want to be spotted
I used to sell security alarms door to door, and I was really good at it.
If no one was home, I would just leave a brochure on the kitchen table.
A world without women….
It would be a pain in the ass
A lorry carrying LEGO bricks overturned on the motorway.
The police say they don't know what to make of it.
I, for one
Like roman numerals.
I found a hearing aid outside my garden gate.
When I saw my neighbour I asked, "Excuse me sir, is this yours?" The ignorant bastard just ignored me.
I saw a guy riding on a unicycle the other day.
I've seen him a few times here and there on local streets. I thought to myself "I bet he never gets too-tired."
My daughter was involved in a peekaboo related injury
She’s currently in the I.C.U
My computer has a virus and is only showing ads for American Eagle, GAP and Urban Outfitters
I think I'm infected with Mall-Wear
I need a special pair of spectacles to read legal documents…
Contract lenses.
What do you call a psychic dwarf that escaped from prison?
A small medium at large.
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all die
A Christian, a Muslim, and an Atheist all day the same day. They all approach the pearly gates where St. Peter awaits them. St. Peter calls the first man up and asks what religion he is. “I’m a Christian” says the first man. “Very well, continue on and you will be in room 16, just be really quiet near room 8” said St. Peter The next man walks up and St. Peter asks what religion he was. “I am a Muslim” says the man “Very well, you will be in room 29, just be very quiet around room 8” replies St. Peter The third and final man walks forth and St. Peter again asks what religion he was. “I am an Atheist” answers the man “Very well, you will be in Room 56, just be very quiet around room 8” says St. Peter The man asks, “If I may, why must I be quiet around room 8?” St. Peter replies, “Room 8 is where the Catholics are, and they think they’re the only ones here”
Baler Swift
Baler Swift
Seeing a pattern here. It’s almost like the rule of law doesn’t matter to one group…
https://ift.tt/2M06X2D
I went to the doctors with hearing problems. He said, Can you describe the symptoms?
I said yeah, Homers a bald fat dude that drinks Duff and Marge has blue hair