Thought this would work here.

He sold his soul to Santa.

Then soviet.

Some belonged to the priest’s congregation and the others belonged to the rabbi’s. The priest and rabbi left their clothes on the other side of the lake and didn't have time to retrieve them, so they got out of the lake hoping to make a run for it. The priest, running with his hands covering his genitals, looks over at the rabbi who was running with his hands covering his face. “Rabbi! What are you doing?” he asked. The rabbi replied, “In my community, they recognize me by my face!”

Interviewer: “I meant any questions about the job.”

Their careers were in ruins.

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

Asking for a friend.

[removed]

Éire O'Dynamic

“Pop.” Goes the weasel.

I suggested he become a pharmacist. He says he's got no experience. I said "whatever," all you do is follow the script!

…but I can't even finish drinking the hot bath…

I said "what’s that?" she said "lay down an I’ll show you" so she went to squat over my face. as she did she farted and jumped up and said "sorry" and then tried again, she then farted a 2nd time. with that I jumped up an said "I’m off, I’m fucked if I’m hanging around for another 67 of them"

It's going to be a play on words.

…you know, "other hole". I said that's dumb because she might get pregnant.

The Madam opens it up, looks down and sees the kid. “What do you want?” The kid says, “I wanna get laid!” The Madam says, “Yeah, come back in ten years.” “But I wanna get laid.” The Madam bends down and says, “Kid, get out of here, come back in ten years. Tell you what, go find a tree with a hole in it and practice.” Ten years later, the kid knocks again on the door. The Madam recognizes him instantly, “Kid! You’re back!” The kid says, “You said wait ten years, so I did.” Did you practice on the tree like I told you?” “Yes ma’am, I did!” The Madam is so impressed that she walks him upstairs to the best lady in the house. As the lady undresses, the kid walks over to the closet, grabs a broom, and starts whacking the prostitute. The lady screams, “What are you doing kid?” “Checking for squirrels.”

On the one hand, you get to wear a pretty cool ring. On the other hand, you don’t.

Just ask them to read this word: unionized.

Those damn mooselimbs.

Those were dark days.

Is that you coffin?

She was a good woman… Terrible surgeon though

Guy: You're the most average girl here Girl: You're so mean Guy: No, you are

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.” "And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy. “Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, in the desert it is not only very hot, but the sand is always blowing. My djbellah protects the entire body." The son then asked: "But Father, what about those ugly shoes you have on your feet?” "These are 'babouches' my son,” the father replied. You must understand that although the desert sands are very beautiful, they are also extremely hot. These babouches keep us from burning our feet." "So tell me then," added the boy. "Yes, my son…” "Why are we living in London and still wearing all this shit?

Arrr Kelly!

They were cooked in Greece.

The second one is a repost….

One requires oinkment, and the other requires tweetment.

It's time consuming.

She freaked out and shouted "What?!!! Why??!!!" I told her: "I would rather have a doctor do that"

I mean, it's not very hard.

Because there's no post on Sunday

It's more difficult to deter gents though

Edit: Wow, this blew up. Thanks for the gold!

Because they lost their Vision

His funfair is next monkey. May he rust in piss.

Now more of their users are getting off than ever.

Whatever you want, he can’t hear you.

Real mature!

Three friends stranded on a desert island find a magic lamp. Inside is a genie who agrees to grant each friend one wish. ​ "I want to go home," says the first friend. The genie grants her wish. ​ "I want to go home, too," says the second friend. The genie sends her back home. ​ "I'm lonely," says the third friend. "I sure wish my friends were back here."