Thought those of us with loved ones in the US military might appreciate this.
I think my phone is broken…
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
I bought some Shoes from my drug dealer yesterday.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been tripping all day.
A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which he was.
When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling. "Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?!" he yelled with surprising forcefulness. No one answered. "Alright, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse ain't back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!" Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse has been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town. The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go… what happened in Texas?" The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."
I was driving with my wife and suddenly Pearl Jam started playing on the radio.
I told her, “It doesn’t get Eddie Vedder than this.”
If you insist, we can make love… but in credit card position!!! Contactless!!!
https://ift.tt/33Km3RC
My friend is a gay midget, who finally decided it was time to tell his parents
I was so proud of him for coming out of the cabinet!
I like dating unfit people
But they just never work out
Listen in the shell, Agustin – Thanks dad, I’ve already downloaded the sea sound app.
https://ift.tt/2Rbu90Z
Wanna know how we knew communism was doomed from the start?
Because of all the red flags.
Someone’s been adding soil to my garden…
The plot thickens.
How do you make a fish not smell?
Cut off its nose.
How to tell the gender of ANY animal
SIMPLE – Just give it some food! If she eats the food, then it's a girl. But if he eats the food, then it's a boy.
Assistant to the President: Sir, there’s a crisis – somehow, we only have one copy of Pixar’s Up left in existence.
President: All right, find the person who currently owns it, and have him give it to me. Assistant to the President: Well there's some bad news, sir … President: Bad news? Have him give me the DVD, I'll copy it and post it on the Internet, problem solved! Assistant to the President: Sir … President: What is the bad news? What human being could be that stingy that they wouldn't give me this movie? Assistant to the President: His name is Rick, sir. President: Rick? Assistant to the President: Rick Astley, and He's Never Gonna Give You Up.
What’s the difference between fine wine and fine women?
Fine wine doesn’t try and escape from my cellar.
My great uncle died making butter on his farm last week.
It was a really unfortunate churn of events.
What’s the difference between In-Laws and Outlaws
Outlaws are wanted.
I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.
It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.
My boss fired me for cracking to many Asian jokes.
It ended my Korea.
The “Avengers: Endgame” trailer had 289 million views in 24 hours.
It would have been 578 million views, but…
Did you know Bill Burr has a brother that is a lumberjack?
His name is Tim
Mystery Ink Reddit Bull, Claims Alaska Girl
Pics are expected to prove supposed underground print version of famed forum made with "disappearing ink" a hoax.
Did you hear about the two mummies who farted at the same time?
They had a toot in common. Kid loved it and I’m proud of the original content
The person who invented knock knock jokes
Should get a nobell prize
My mailman got a sex change.
I guess you'd call him a post man now.
My wife told me I was too selfish in the bedroom
I almost choked on my own cock
People at our Christmas party were impressed when I showed off my incredibly detailed tattoo, but they didn’t believe me when I tell them I got it done in Madrid.
Nobody expected the Spanish ink precision.
A gay man, a straight woman and a programmer are stranded on a deserted island.
During the first night, the gay man goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the woman so he could have a normal sex life. The second night, the woman goes to the programmer and tells him they should kill the gay man so she could have a normal sex life. The third night, the programmer kills both the woman and the man so he could have normal sex life.
