Thoughts?
If laziness was an Olympic sport.
I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole…
The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ball and stuff.” He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he’s in the bar again and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. “Did you see what your monkey did now?”, he asks. “Now what?”, responds the patron. “Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!” says the barkeeper. “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that cue ball he measures everything first!”
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
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Wanna hear a joke about the ozone layer?
[depleted]
Got a new phone, and I went straight to my lawyer’s office.
He's helping me build a case to avoid damages.
How many police officers does it take to change a light bulb?
None they just beat the room for being black
I have a friend who is a transgender atheist.
They are a she now, but they were a heathen.
Why is gum similar to guns?
If you take one out during class, everyone starts acting like your friend.
Archaeologists recently discovered a tomb
When they dug the remains up they saw that the skeleton had a fine layer of chocolate on it and after months of intense research they discovered that it was the remains of the famous Pharaoh Rocher.
If life gives you melons…
You might have dyslexia.
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
What do you call a witch that only eats sand?
Malnourished.
Do you think oranges become juice willingly
Or are they getting pressured into it?
I finally finished my book about clocks
Its about time
I wanted to dress up as a DDOS attack, but I couldn’t get enough friends to do it
https://ift.tt/2BjZZ38
Why did the wizard seductively kiss his date a few inches below her jawline?
He was a neck romancer.
By law, you are required to turn on your headlights if it is raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know if its raining in Sweden?
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance…
We’ll see about that…
My friend with the lazy eye just lost his job as a teacher.
He had a real hard time controlling his pupils.
“I dropped my toothpaste!”
…exclaimed Dave, crestfallen.
Why are Vegans considered as anti-social?
Cause they never meat-up. If there are any vegans reading this please don't start a beef.
Whats Gordon Ramsay’s favourite sub-reddit.
IT'S FUCKING R/AWW , YOU IDIOT!
I closed Reddit, locked my phone, and stood up.
I said to myself, “I’m done with this shit.”
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spices.
I'm not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
Coworker dressed as Chewbacca: “This costume is too hot to work in, I’ll never do that again”
Its ok it was a wookie mistake
Back in the U.S.S.R.
An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the membership card and presses it against his heart. In a peaceful and happy voice he whispers: "Today one more communist will die"
I am staying at a hotel and watched a great movie last night with lots of cowboys, gunfights, and drinking.
It was the Best Western I’ve ever seen.
Thermoelectric generator
How does these four concepts (thermodynamics, thermal radiation, evaporation, and radiation cooling) works together?
Uncertainty has hit the Japanese banking industry…
In the past week, Origami bank has folded, Sumo bank has gone belly up and Bonsai bank announced plans to cut some of its branches. Last week it was announced that Karaoke bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while shares in Kamikaze bank were suspended after they nosedived. Samurai bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja bank is reported to have taken a hit, but it remains in the black. Furthermore 500 staff at Karate bank got the chop and analysts report there is something fishy going on at Sushi bank, where it’s feared staff may get a raw deal.
What’s the best way to calm down a knife-wielding girlfriend?
Please answer quickly
A book fell on my head
I've only got myshelf to blame….
What has two butts and can kill people?
An Assassin