Thoughts and Prayers
My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves…
Looks like the boa cons tricked her…
We have a friend who likes to have sex with inanimate objects, but we haven’t seen him for a long time.
He always has stuff to do.
“That’s what.” – She
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Why does North Korea excel at drawing straight lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
Arguing with a woman is like reading a software license agreement.
In the end you ignore it all and just click "I agree"
What do you call a good swimming pun?
A stroke of genius
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi (not a rabbit) want to see who’s best at his job.
So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.” “I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage…
I lost my case
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly
Because communication is key
I put batteries in a mouse
For some reason I was kicked out of the pet store
Since it’s Fathers Day, my wife asked if I could tell dad jokes all day tomorrow.
I told her I don’t know anyone named Morrow.
There is one word spelled wrong in the dictionary.
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How did Pinocchio find out he was a wooden boy?
His hand caught fire
Wanna hear the 3 main types of people?
The ones that can count 2. The ones that can’t count
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I ran out of toilet paper the other day, and have been using newspaper since…
And man, the Times are tough!!!
My wife thinks I should sing Solo
Solo that no one will hear me
My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.
Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He is a web designer.
I’ve been trying for ages to buy a supermarket conveyor belt divider…
…but the cashier always keeps putting it back!
Believing in 12.5% of the Bible
Makes you an eighth thiest.
Condom expiration dates are a little misleading
because I get sick no matter when I eat them.
How is the best way to greet Native Americans
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https://ift.tt/2CdxXGY
So i stubbed my toe this morning…
My toe hurts but The Opera Director Next door was very impressed
What kind of fire leaves a room damp?
A humidifire.
If you have more than one cellphone,
You're a multicellular organism.
A rabbit used to come up to my front yard every day for food, but hasn’t shown up in a week.
Now it’s just some bunny I used to know.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a room…
…a man enters and asks them "Can you see me?" and they respond; "Yes." "Oui." "Sí." "Ja."
Anyone want to help me make a TV show about Abraham Lincoln?
The plan is to shoot it in front of a live audience.
Why did the sperm cross the road?
Because I put on the wrong socks this morning
