Thoughts from a Finite Automata lecture
Once I was in a band called teenage bed
We never made it.
Her: Atleast invite me out to dinner.
Him: I don’t go out with married women, sorry. Her: But I am your wife? Him: I make no exceptions.
My girlfriend started lying to me because of all my bad jokes.
We have always been such a happy couple and everything was fine for 3 years straight. Of course I always felt comfortable in front of her and felt like I can tell her anything. That's where I was wrong. A few months ago I noticed that she became annoyed by my dumb jokes that were only funny to me, but that just made it even funnier to me so I continued telling all these dad jokes to her and died laughing every time. She puts up with it because she loves me. At least I thought so. We were always 100% honest with each other and I'm still shaken by the things she told me today. I sent her probably one of my worst dad jokes ever (that I stole from reddit), and she just couldn't take it anymore and told me how stupid my jokes are and that she doesn't know if she'll be able to put up with it much longer. But that's not the worst part, I actually appreciated her honesty and considered the possibility to stop with all the stupid jokes and become more serious in the relationship. The worst part is that she lied to me for the first time in all these years. I felt like I just couldn't trust her anymore and everything I thought I knew about her as a person just became questionable. I need your advice on how to react to this huge lie… She told me she's Sorry, but I know for a FACT that her name is Diane.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's fine, he woke up.
I just spotted an albino Dalmatian.
It was the least I could do to help.
Why don’t seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bagels.
“Did you take a shower, Dad?”
“Why, is there one missing?”
Me: “I bought my girlfriend a plant.”
Kid: "Is it real or fake?" Me: "Fake." Kid: "Of course, and what about the plant?"
Star gazing isn’t very fun
I’ve been doing it all afternoon and now I can’t see
It’s hard to believe March 12th is already National Pancake Day!
It really crêped up on us this year didn't it!
My friend memorized all the amphibians
Now he has toadal recall.
Dad, are we pyromaniacs?
Yes, we arson.
I saw a woman crying in the supermarket
So I stopped and asked what had happened. Through the sobs, said said that she was due to go on holiday, but all the money she had been saving for months was gone. Feeling sorry for her, I decided to give her £50 to try and help a bit. It's not something I'd normally do, but I just found £2,000 in the car park
Did you miss the IOKIYAR Amendment to the Constitution? It’s OK, If You’re A Republican.
https://ift.tt/37frKs1
Why is Yoda such a good Gardner?
Because he has green thumbs
What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?
Vector quantitties
A couple both age 67, went to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse", and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would take an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90.The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from my medicare."
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: I have no idea what he's for.
What’s a priest’s favorite type of video game?
Early-access
Had to quit working at the gym because I got too exhausted racking all the weights..
Put in my too-weak notice.
I love to tell dad jokes
Sometimes he even laughs
I recently opened a restaurant.
I guess you could call me an Entrée-preneur
I went to the doctors for the first time in a long while. He told me I had a piece of lettuce hanging out of my ass
I told him it’s just the tip of the iceberg
What does a painter do when he gets cold?
He puts on another coat!
The cashier scanned my condoms then asked if I needed a bag.
I said, "Naw, she isn't that ugly."
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the date they were bought.
It’s an extremely rare dish order.
When I die, I hope to go quietly in my sleep. Like my grandfather. …
… Not on fire and screaming like everyone else on the bus he was driving.
Why do potatoes make great crime fighters?
Because they always keep their eyes peeled.
I found out that my Toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was in complete Shock.
Where does a poor italian live?
In Spaghetto