“thousands if inocent civilians”
How did Chris Browns girlfriend find out he was cheating on her?
She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.
What’s the cheapest meat? Deer balls.
They're under a buck.
How come shrimp on Broadway don’t share?
They are show shellfish.
Yesterday I met Sally, a young woman who operates a battery kiosk at our local community park.
Sally sells C-cells by the Seesaw.
Not really humour apart from how fucking absurd it is. How do people justify this?
https://ift.tt/37Fudf5
An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat. The only unoccupied seat was directly adjacent to a well dressed middle aged lady and was being used by her little dog. The war weary soldier asked, "Please, ma'am, may I sit in that seat?" The English woman looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans. You are such a rude class of people. Can't you see my Little Fifi is using that seat?" The soldier walked away, determined to find a place to rest, but after another trip down to the end of the train, found himself again facing the woman with the dog. Again he asked, "Please, lady. May I sit there? I'm very tired." The English woman wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans! Not only are you rude, you are also arrogant." The soldier didn"t say anything else; he leaned over, picked up the little dog, tossed it out the window of the train and sat down in the empty seat. The woman shrieked and railed, and demanded that someone defend her and chastise the soldier. An English gentleman sitting across the aisle spoke up, "You know, sir, you Americans do seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You eat holding the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your automobiles on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you've thrown the wrong bitch out the window."
My dad’s favourite joke. Mine too.
There was a scientist working away in obscurity for years with peculiar experiments on spiders. After years and years he placed an advertisement in several academic journals to let the community know he and was to host a live show to demonstrate his findings. At the event hundreds were there more out of curiosity than anything as the details of the findings were kept secret. The man himself wandered on stage and silenced the murmurs. 'Today I will demonstrate two things. The first being that spiders can understand and respond to basic commands.' The crowd laughed and jeered but undeterred he opened a box on his desk and a spider crawled out. 'Spider, walk left' The spider moved to its left. The crowd was silenced. 'Spider, move right.' The spider moved right. The crowd gasped. Forward, backward, the spider responded again and again. The crowd applauded in awe. The scientist then removed all of the spider's legs. The crowd, confused by this, watched in silence. 'Move left' The spider didn't move. 'Move right' Nothing. Forward, backward, no response. 'This is to demonstrate my second finding. Once you remove a spider's legs, it goes deaf.'
My friend got mad at me for smelling his sisters underwear.
I don’t know if it was because she was still wearing them or because the rest of the family was there. Either way it made the rest of the funeral very awkward.
You could say I’m B.R.O.K.E.
B – Bad R – At O – Acronyms K – E –
What do you call a bird that only shows up to work when it wants to?
A millenial falcon
Time flies like an arrow
Fruit flies like a banana.
A little known fact…
Before the invention of the crowbar, crows had to do their drinking at home
Where do suicide bombers go when they die?
Everywhere
Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?
Because they lactose
I recently switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack…
She hasn't figured it out yet, but the thyme is cumin…
It seems like every Thanksgiving I end up eating leftovers for weeks afterwards…
Not this year though – I'm quitting cold turkey…
For Christmas morning, I’m going to make Eggs Benedict, and I’m going to serve them on hubcaps from a 1962 Ford…
…because there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise.
Last night I dreamt I was a muffler
I woke up exhausted
Set your WiFi password to 2444666668888888
So when someone asks, tell them it's 12345678
The teacher asked, “Name three famous Poles!”
Tommy proudly answered, "North, South and Tad!"
What do Jeffrey Epstein and Halloween decorations having common?
They don’t hang themselves. Happy Halloween
Why is a group of crows called a “murder”?
because there's probable caws
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
One takes photos, the other takes five toes!
Today my son asked, “Can you lend me a book mark?”
I immediately burst into tears. 12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian
So it turns out that one of my old friends might be going blind.
He’s not looking so good.
Everyone says Asians are bad at driving
I'm starting to think pearl harbour was an accident
How many Alzheimer’s patients does it take in to screw in a lightbulb?
To get to the other side
My friend says to me “What rhymes with banana?”
And I told him "No it doesn't"
What did one bone say to another bone?
Let’s meet up and share a joint.
