Did you hear about the cheese factory in France that exploded ?
There was nothing left but de brie
Why are keyboards always awake?
Because they have 2 shifts.
“Hey! I heard China just legalized same-sex marriage!”, says a white man to a Chinese national.
"No we didn't.", replies the Chinese national. "But Taiwan just legalized same-sex marriage!" "Noβ¦ Taiwan is notβ¦ uhβ¦ Yes, China is β¦ uhβ¦"
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
They always bring out the propane torch whenever they need to melt cheese
No interest
Sitting here staring at a post on one of the other pages on reddit for like 2mins, not realizing I was not paying attention nor i was actually reading the post because I was high on weed.
Why do people wash their clothes in Tide?
Because it's too cold out-Tide
What do you call a constipated detective?
No shit Sherlock
I tried to join a secret religious society, but the requirements were very strict.
It was called Diffi cult.
“I heard you slept with my woman,” said this guy in the pub.
"You've got the wrong person," I replied. "So you didn't sleep with her?" "No, I did. I'm just saying you need a new girlfriend."
How did harry potter get down the hill?
he came running jk rowling
cleaning with alcohol doesn’t work…
…NOTHING gets done after that first bottle.
What weighs more, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane?
The water. Butane is lighter fluid.
I suggested to the national park service we release clay pigeons back into the wild.
That idea was immediately shot down
OC boomer comics are now limited to Sundays. If it’s satire, it belongs on r/antiboomershumor
This decision was based on feedback from both users and moderators.If you have any feedback or comments on how the sub is doing, or how it’s being run, please comment below.phone bad
What do you call Sad Island weather?
A Tropical Depression
Did you hear about the viking Rudolph the Red?
He looked outside and proclaimed it was going to rain. His wife questioned, "What makes you say that?" He replied, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."
A new business is opening and one of the ownerβs friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.
They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: βRest in Peace.β Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain. After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, βSir, Iβm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should imagine this. Somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, βCongratulations on your new location.ββ
You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. You laugh and say, “That’s a girl’s name!” Terry shoots you.
You have died of dissin' Terry.
Guys, to be frank
I would have to change my name.
A vegan said to me, “People who sell meat are disgusting!”
I said, "People who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer!"
A farmer drove over to his neighborβs house and knocked on the door…
A boy, about 9, opened the door. βIs your mom or dad home?β The farmer asked the boy βNo, they went in to town.β The boy replied βWell, how about your brother Howard?β The farmer asked βNo, he went with mom and dad.β The boy said The farmer stood there for a minute shifting from one foot to another and mumbling when the boy says βI know where the tools are if you need to borrow one or I could give my dad a message for you.β βWell,β The farmer said uncomfortably βI wanted to talk to your dad about your brother Howard getting my daughter pregnant.β The boy thought for a moment then said βYouβll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the pigs, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard.β
My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.
Itβs an extremely rare dish order.
My dad showed me a 30 minute PowerPoint presentation on why one should always wear a condom during sex.
All the slides were just pictures of me.
TIL: If you sit on your hand until you can’t feel it anymore
and log in to your online banking system. It feels like someone else is paying your bills.
How do you know if someone is vegan?
They will tell you.
I told a Coronavirus joke to a group of people
Everyone eventually got it, but the Chinese guy, he got it right off the bat.
There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.
Only a fraction of people will find this funny.
My neighbor had a BBQ party, and some guest threw a grill at his face.
The attack made headlines.
A woman is walking down the street and see a little boy get hit by a car. She knows he won’t survive as soon as she gets to him, looking around she sees a church nearby and asks if he’d like her to get the priest.
The little boy looks into her eyes and says "how can you think of sex at a time like this?"
My brother couldnβt pay his water bill.
So I sent him a βget well soonβ card.
After graduating from high school, my daughter moved away from home to study at university. She sent this letter home to meβ¦
Dear Dad, University i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply ’an't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you. Love, your $usie. I immediately replied back⦠Dear Susie, I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh. Love, Dad
Which Disney Park ride has the most area for people to wait?
Space Mountain.
What do you call an Emo A capella group?
Self Harmony