Three conspiracy theorists walk into a bar
You can't tell me that's just a coincidence .
100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars. Today everyone has cars and only the rich have horses.
Oh how the stables have turned.
Johnny and Ruth are biking down a hill.
Ruth hits a tree. Johnny decides to continue on. Ruthlessly.
“My wife suffers from a drinking problem”
"Is she an alcoholic?" "No I am, but she is the one who suffers"
Did you hear about what happened to the guy from the keyboard factory?
He was fired for not putting in enough Shifts.
A plateau is the highest form of flattery
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How do you know how heavy a red hot chili pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give a weigh, give it a weigh now!!
My mom sent me this. Ultimate piece of boomer humor, complete with laugh track:
https://ift.tt/38SsqEU
The new sex position is called Brexit:
It's when you promise to pull out but you don't:
Gods new reqirement to get into heaven.
God goes to Saint Peter and says "Pete there are too many people in heaven. I never expected this, so we need to add a new rule. The rule is that in order to get in you need to have had a really bad day the day you died. Got it?" "Yes Sir" Peter replied. With that God left and Peter called the first soul forward. "New rule mate. You have to tell me what your last day on Earth was like." Soul 1 says "Well it was not good i tell ya. I had long suspected that my wife was cheating on me. So i decided that i would leave work early to go back to my appartment on the 20th floor and catch her. When i got in the house i found my wife alone naked in bed, surprised to see me. So i start searching the house and couldnt find anyone. I was about to give up when i saw some finger tips on my balcony and sure enogh there was a man hanging there. So with out so much as a houd ya do i stomped on his fingers and down he went. Unfortunately he survived because some trees broke his fall so i grabed the closest heavy thing i saw, which happened to be my fridge, and threw it off the balcony. BAM got him dead on. I laughed so hard i had a heart attack and died." Peter though 'well he died laughing but he did find his wife cheating so i guess it was bad' so he let him through. Before he could consider the fact that he had just let a murderer into heaven another soul came forward. "Wait a minute mate. New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 2 said "It wasnt good sir. I was practicing yoga on my 21st floor balcony when i suddenly sliped over the balcony. Luckily i caught hold of the balcony below mine. Then, out of nowhere, this phyco comes storming out and stamps on my fingers. I fell but lived and as i was recuperating from my trauma i look up to see a fridge falling on me. Then i died" Peter at this point is laughing his arse off but waves soul 2 through. He then calls "Next!!" and soul 3 comes forward. Peter says "New rules, what was the day like the day you died?" Soul 3 says "Well picture this. Im naked in a fridge…"
I don’t have the best ceiling in the world
But it's up there.
How does Spider-Man think of such witty comebacks?
Because with great power comes great response ability.
Why doesn’t Kim Jong Un have a girlfriend?
Because he's too focused on his Korea.
Got called in for a drug test at work…
They said I tested positive for opioids. I said "Oh yeah. There were poppy seeds on my bagel this morning." They said "What about the THC, cocaine, and LSD?" "It was an everything bagel."
I bought a guitar made out of diamond.
Now I can play some hard rock.
Why do hipsters burn their mouths on coffee?
Because they drink it before it’s cool.
The Greeks invented sex
The Italians just introduced it to women
I ate a bunch of scrabble pieces earlier
So going to the bathroom could spell disaster
NSFW
I bought a safe for my home
I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
My wife said she’s going to leave me if I don’t stop with the click bait
You wont believe what happened next!
My son asks me, “What does gay mean?”
Me: "It means 'happy," Son: "Oh, so are you gay, then?" Me: "No, son, I have a wife."
Guy wanted to take his wife duck hunting
She'd never been hunting so they prepared the night before. She made breakfast and lunch for the trip while he got all the hunting stuff clean and got his dog, Butch, ready for the trip. They went to bed early. The next morning, the guy got up and went to check on everything. It was nasty out, 28° and a freezing rain. He got his wife up. She looked outside and said, "There's no way I'm going out in this weather, forget it." He said, "Well, you promised, so if you back out now at the last minute, you have to either suck my dick or let me put it in your butt." She thought it was waaaay too early for butt sex, so she decided to blow him. She starts off nice and slow, but then lifts her head and says, "What the hell? Your dick smells like shit!" He said, "Yeah well, the dog didn't want to go either."
Steven Hawking said there is no God,
Then God said there is no Steven Hawking
After sex I like to cook for my husband….
He usually appreciates coming home from work to a hot meal.
What’s the difference between Covid 19 and Romeo & Juliet?
..One’s a Corona virus and the other’s a Verona crisis.
If it helps others or those less fortunate, then he will always ignore the problem
https://ift.tt/39jutk7
Little known fact…Before the invention of the crowbar
crows did all their drinking at home.
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Having gay parents must suck
You either have to live with twice the number of dad jokes or you get stuck in an infinite loop of "go ask your mum."
I went to the zoo the other day and they only had a dog.
It was a shitzu.