Three construction workers are sitting down on a beam of a skyscraper to eat their lunch…
First guy says, "Tuna fish on rye again? I tell ya. If that bitch makes me tuna fish on rye again tomorrow, I'm just going to jump off this building and kill myself!"
Second guy says, "Leftover meatloaf for the third day in a row! If I gotta eat this crap one more day, I'm just going to jump off this building and end it all!"
Third guy says, "Bologna sandwiches again! Yuck! If I gotta eat this shit one more time, I'm just gonna jump."
The next day, the first guy opens his lunch. He sees it's a tuna on rye, and he yells, "FUCK!!!" and he jumps off the building and splatters on the street below.
The second guy opens his lunch box. "Goddamn meatloaf again! That's it!" And he leaps to his death as well. Splat!
The third guy opens his lunch box. "FUCK!" he says. "Bologna! Goodbye, world!" And he steps off the girder too. A moment later, he splatters on the street below.
At the funeral, the widows are sobbing and crying to the heavens.
"Oh, Joe! If you'd only you'd told me you didn't like tuna fish! I would have made you something else!" And she breaks down, inconsolable.
The second widow tears at her shirt. "Bill! Dear sweet Bill! Why didn't you tell me you hated meatloaf so much! I had a fridge full of cold cuts of all types!" And she collapses to the floor, heartbroken.
Everybody looks at the third widow, sitting there knitting all by herself. She looks up and realizes they're staring.
"Don't look at me," she says. "That idiot packed his own lunches."
A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace an older doctor who was retiring.
The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his house-call rounds, so the community could become used to a new doctor. At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick." As they left, the younger doctor remarked, "You didn't even examine that woman!" and then asked, "How did you come to the diagnosis so quickly?" "Ah! You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what has probably been making her sick." The younger doctor replied, "Pretty clever! If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, both physicians spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once did and said, "I'm feeling terribly run-down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, as she is very active in the church." Then he asked, "But how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the pastor under the bed.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they’re standing too.
My wife told me take the spider out instead of killing him.
We had a few drinks, what a great guy. Turns out he’s a web designer.
Why do the riot police always arrive early to protests?
Because they like to beat the crowd.
Two radio antennas fell in love and got married
The wedding wasn’t much but the reception was incredible!
A guy bursts into a psychiatrist’s office wearing nothing but saran wrap underwear.
The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

We have hit 20,000 members! Thank you all!
Firstly I’d like to thank each and every one of you who had joined this subreddit. This subreddit full of memes that I, myself, don’t even understand. 20000 people, that’s just… wow!It is an honour to serve this community and every single one of you members, new or old.Secondly I’d like to say how activity in this subreddit has been at an all time high, we are getting more posts than ever, of course that means more reposts, and posts that break other rules that our subreddit has, but on behalf of the moderation team, I’m here to assure you that we have you covered, we want to make sure you only get the highest quality posts when you look at r/sciencememes.I hope to see you again when we hit our next major milestone.If you ever need me, or any other of the moderation team feel free to use ModMail, if you see a post or comment breaking the rules, don’t be afraid to report them.🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳🥳
-I called a suicide hotline in Iraq.
They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
I just downloaded the Bohemian Rhapsody movie.
I think it was filmed in a movie theater, though – I see a little silhouetto of a man.

When you submit shitty code two minutes before the assignment is due for a programming class
https://ift.tt/2KRw7A8
How does a chicken pay its bills?
In quarters.
My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!
Honestly, I should have seen the signs.
A few minutes ago, my wife turned to me and whispered, “I want u so badly.”
We are playing Scrabble, and she has a Q that she can’t get rid off.
I finally realized that my wife left me because of my obsession with reducing fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
We all know Albert Einstein was a genius…
…but his brother Frank was a monster.
When Noah reached land, he threw open the ark doors and said, “Go forth and multiply”.
When all the animals cleared out, only a pair of confused looking snakes remained. “Didn’t you hear me? Go forth and multiply!” Said Noah, annoyed. “We can’t” replied one of the snakes. “We’re adders”.
I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail
but apparently you can't end a sentence with a proposition.
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one.
It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"
NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.
Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus. Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put under a god damn tarp in the god damn shed.” Santa, in complete shock, pulled Little Johnny’s parents aside and said “In all my years, I have never seen a little boy with such a foul mouth.” His parents replied “We know, but we have no idea what to do about his behavior. We’ve tried everything.” Santa thought about it and said “Here’s what we’ll do to teach him a lesson, every place that Johnny asked for a present, we’ll put a pile of dog poop.” The parents agreed to try Santa’s plan. On Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and immediately looked under his bed. Seeing the pile of poop, he ran downstairs to the Christmas tree and checked underneath. Finding another pile of poop under the tree, he ran out the door and threw open the shed door. Finding a tarp in the shed, he quickly pulled back the tarp and found yet another pile of poop. Johnny walked out of the shed and started looking all around the yard. After a while his parents asked him sarcastically “So Little Johnny, what did you get for Christmas?” Without missing a beat, Johnny looked at his parents and said “I think I got a god damned dog, but I can’t find the motherfucker!”
A husband and wife love to play golf together, but neither of them are playing like they want to, so they decide to take private lessons.
The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard!” “Well, what should I do?” asks the man. “Hold the club gently,” the pro replied, “just like you’d hold your wife’s breasts.” The man takes the advice, takes a swing, and WOW! He hits the ball 250 yards, straight up the fairway. The man goes back to his wife with the good news, and the wife can’t wait for her lesson.The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches her swing and says, “No, no, no, you’re gripping the club way too hard.” “What can I do?” asks the wife. “Hold the club gently, just like you’d hold your husband’s thing.” The wife listens carefully to the pro’s advice, takes a swing, and THUMP. The ball goes straight down the fairway . . . about 15 ft. “That was great,” the pro says. “Now, take the club out of your mouth and swing the club like you’re supposed to!”
A man walks into a restaurant and notices Lobster tales for a cent on the menu.
He asks the waiter: "Why they are available so cheap? What's wrong with them?" Waiter says, "Nothing, actually they've been bought here just today." So the man orders some. The waiter returns with a book, sits down and says, "Once upon a time, there was a big red lobster…"
Everything’s great in your digestive system
Until it hits your stomach then it all turns to shit
This morning I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows on herself too high…
…she seemed very surprised!
Wife: Can you pick up milk?
Guy: lifts gallon yeah it's pretty easy. Wife: I mean from the store. Guy: I would imagine it weighs the same there.
Why are curious people so good at singing?
Because they inquire.
I know now why Trump wants to build a wall
It's been years since he managed to erect anything
I got a job at a construction site to drill holes
Its a boring job
Have you ever heard of virtual bubble wrap?
pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop pop
What’s 6.9?
A great thing ruined by a period
Why does Waldo from the Where’s Waldo books wear stripes?
Cause he doesn’t wanna be spotted
I have a joke about math.
But I’m 2² to say it.
Did you hear about the time I dreamt I was a muffler?
I woke up exhausted.