Three days ago, in the midst of the coronavirus pandemic, Donald Trump was visited by the ghost of George Washington.
"George," Trump asked, "how can I fix this? How do I make America great again?"
"Never tell a lie."
"I don't lie. Go away."
Two days ago, he was visited by the ghost of Thomas Jefferson.
"Hey, Tom, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"
"Listen to the people."
"I know what I'm doing. I listen to the best people. The best ones."
Last night, while down at Mar-a-Lago, he was visited by the ghost of Abraham Lincoln.
"Hey, Abe, how do I fix this? How can I make America great again?"
"Go see a play."
Daddy, what is clickbait?
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Three men go to heaven
At the gate into heaven St. Peter tells them, they can have everything they want as long as they do not step on a dark cloud. After that, they enter and have an amazing time. But after a week the first comes up to the others with his leg in a bear trap. The others ask him: "What happend?" "I stepped on a dark cloud" – he replies. After another week the second man comes up to the others in a wheel chair and blind on one eye. "Yeah, before you guys ask. Yes, I stepped on a dark cloud." After another week the third man comes up with a hot, astonishing and absolute breathtaking woman by his side. The others, obviously confused, ask him: "Hey, what happened to you? Please explain." "Stepped on a dark cloud" – she replies.
A Mexican magician said that he could disappear on the count of three. He started “unos, dos..”
But then he disappeared without a tres…
Communism was bound to fail.
There were a lot of red flags.
If smoking Marijuana causes short term memory loss,
what does smoking Marijuana do?
The year 2020 is going to be filled with so many puns about perfect vision …
… I can't wait to see them all.
A woman who is 3 months pregnant falls into a deep coma. 6 months later, she awakes and asks the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily, your brother named them for you. Woman: Oh no, not my brother! He's an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well this isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Why don’t blind people skydive?
It scares the shit out the dog.
A slice of apple pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in the Bahamas.
Those are the pie rates of the Caribbean
A lawyer’s trick . . .
A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse. In the defense’s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick. “Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for you all,” the lawyer said as he looked at his watch. "Within one minute, the person presumed dead in this case will walk into this courtroom.” He looked toward the courtroom door. The jurors, somewhat stunned, all looked on eagerly. A minute passed. Nothing happened. Finally the lawyer said, “Actually, I made up the previous statement. But you all looked on with anticipation. I therefore put to you that you have a reasonable doubt in this case as to whether anyone was killed and insist that you return a verdict of not guilty.” The jury, clearly confused, retired to deliberate. A few minutes later, the jury returned and pronounced a verdict of guilty. “But how?” inquired the lawyer. “You must have had some doubt; I saw all of you stare at the door.” The jury foreman replied: “Oh, we did look, but your client didn’t.”
I overheard someone saying that a truck carrying Scrabble games overturned on route.
At least that’s the word on the street.
You can’t breathe through your nose while smiling.
Of course you can! I just wanted to make you smile.
As he inserted the rectal thermometer, I got a painfully hard and obvious erection,
"Maybe you should wait outside whilst I examine your dog," said the vet.
I’m divorcing my wife…
"I've had enough, I'm going to leave her." "Why?" "She's out every night, going to the bars in town way past mightnight and I'm fed up with it". "What's she doing?" "She's looking for me!"
Whenever I go to a Apple Store, I feel like a three year old at a candy shop.
I can’t afford anything.
We’ll We’ll We’ll…
…if it isn't autocorrect…
2 Smoking Grandmas & 1 Condom
Jane & Arlene are outside the nursing home, having a smoke. A storm blows in and starts sprinkling. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end and puts it over her cigarette and continues smoking. Arlene: What the hell is that? Jane: It's a condom. This way my cigarette don't get wet. Arlene: Where'd you get that at? Jane: You can get them at the pharmacy down the road! The next day, Arlene hobbles her way into the local pharmacy and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her strangely (as she is over 80 years of age) but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand condom she prefers. Arlene exclaims, "Don't matter honey, as long as it fits on a Camel!" *pharmacist faints*
Magician: “For this trick I’m gonna dissapear”
Magician: Looking at pear “You’re ugly!”
I walked into a room full of men masturbating
They all looked shocked when I didn't stop
Wife got her test results back. We thought she had Tourette’s syndrome. Tests were negative.
Turns out I am a cunt & she does want me to fuck off
I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games. I stopped him and said, “Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.” He considered that for a moment before replying…
"Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."
A guy, a pig, and a dog are the only survivors of a terrible shipwreck, and they find themselves stranded on a desert island.
After being there for awhile, they get into a ritual of going to the beach every night to watch the sun go down. One particular evening, the sky was red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle — in short, a perfect night for romance! Well, that pig started looking better and better, and pretty soon the guy rolled towards the pig and put his arm around it. The dog was not very happy with this, and growled fiercely at the guy until he moved his arm away. The three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there were no more efforts at cuddling. A few weeks passed by, and lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was a beautiful young woman. She was in a pretty bad way when they rescued her, and they slowly nursed her back to good health.When she was completely well, they introduced her to their nightly beach ritual. Then came another gloriously beautiful evening — red sunset; delicate cirrus clouds; gentle, warm breeze — again, perfect for romance. The guy started getting "those ideas" again, so he leaned over to the girl, and said, "Um… would you mind taking the dog for a walk?"
What car do lawyers love?
Subarus.
Two Dragons walk into a bar
Dragon 1: It's hot in here Dragon 2: Shut your mouth
If there’s an emergency at your Game of Thrones viewing party
You should go to Daenerys exit.
“Un, deux, trois, quatre”, radioed the French ship…
…before it cinq. "Eins, zwei, drei", radioed the German ship vierlessly, but then silence. "Uno, dos", radioed the Spanish ship, and then disappeared without a tres. "One," radioed the British ship before it went two. "Won," radioed the American sub.
Adverts in elevators.
I hate these multi-level marketing schemes.
I was told to post this here.
This here.
Why did the chicken cross the road? Maybe to buy from me…maybe to be sold
Why did the chicken cross the road? Maybe to buy from me…maybe to be sold
I’ve failed in Maths more times than I can count.
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Grimey
Grimes: Do you ever notice that X Æ A-12 doesn’t have that distinct baby smell? Elon: Yea, he’s got a certain musk to him.
My kid got sunburned on only one of their butt cheeks
My wife said I did a half ass job applying sunscreen
What’s the opposite of sad pie night?
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What do you use to draw baths
Water colors