Three dinosaurs find a magic lamp with a genie inside.
The genie says “I can give you all one wish. Anything your heart desires!”
The first dinosaur says “I want a big piece of juicy meat!” And he is given the biggest piece of meat for miles.
The second dinosaur, in an attempt to one up the first says “I want a meat shower!” And he is showered in delicious meat.
The third dinosaur, not to be outdone by the other two says “I want a meatier shower!”
Edit: Thanks for the silver!
Why was the vegan afraid of outer space?
Because it was filled with Meatorites.
Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes…
One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ He turns round, and to his horror, he sees a coffin on the street moving towards him. ‘Thump Thump’ Thinking he's had FAR too much to drink he keeps walking. ‘Thump Thump Thump’ Now it's gaining on him, so he decides to run for it. He gets to his door panicking trying to get the key in the lock as the coffin is coming, eventually he gets the door open closes & bolts it behind him and collapses on the sofa. A few seconds later, and CRASH The coffin has burst it's way through the front door knocking it off it’s hinges. Terrified he dodges round the coffin runs up the stairs, thinking there's no way the coffin can follow him there. Then he hears ‘Thump Thump Thump Thump’ The coffin is slowly hopping up the stairs, relentless in it's pursuit. The man runs into the bathroom and locks the door behind him. Next thing he hears is CRASH The coffin comes through the door knocking it off it’s hinges and it slowly moves towards him, the coffin lid now creaking open and shut as it approaches. In desperation the man grabs the first thing he sees which is a can of Gillette shaving foam and throws it at the coffin, the coffin keeps coming. Then he grabs a bar of Imperial Leather Soap throws that too, The coffin keeps coming. Finally, just before it reaches him, he grabs a bottle of Venos cough medicine and throws it at the coffin & The coffin stopped.
Sleeping is so easy…
… I can do it with my eyes closed.
What has four wheels and flies?
A rubbish truck
I just got my son a flat piece of cardboard for his birthday.
I have no idea why he was so desperate for an ex box.
Who can drink two liters of gasoline?
Jerry can!
Went to church on Halloween
Turned out to be a blessing in disguise
I used to be heavily addicted to soap…
Don’t worry, I’m clean now.
The word ‘Diputseromneve’ may look ridiculous,
But backwards it’s even more stupid.
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
An Ancient Greek walks into his tailor’s shop with a pair of torn pants
“Euripides?” says the tailor. “Yeah, Eumenides?” replies the man.
I don’t understand my wife, once a month she loses her temper at me.
I think it's just a bloody ovaryaction.
A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble and he loses all his money. He doesn’t even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, “Get the fuck out of my cab.”
He walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG. He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time that kicked him out. He stood for a moment thinking how can he get his revenge on that driver. So, he gets in the first cab. "How much is it to the airport?" he asks. The driver says, "$15." "Great, how much is it for a blowjob on the way there?" The cab driver says, "Get the fuck out of my cab." So he goes to the next one and asks the same thing. "How much to airport?" "$15." "Great, how much for a blowjob on the way there?" And that cab driver also tells him to get the fuck out of his cab. He does this all the way down the line of drivers, each one kicking him out. He finally gets to the last driver, the one from his last trip. He asks, "Hey how much to the airport?" Driver responds, "$15." The guy hands him $15 and says, "Great let's go!" And so the driver leaves, slowly passing all the other drivers who are staring out their window while the guy in the back smiles back with a thumbs up.
Putting air in your tires used to be free now its costs a dollar…
https://ift.tt/2tNUDsZ
I won today.
After the delivery of yet another stupid dad joke today my nine year old rolled his eyes HARD, shook his head and said, "I quit… I quit being your son." Then I found him repeating the joke to himself and immediately telling himself to shut up while grinning. It was glorious. *Edit: Asked how many choplet cook chippies he wanted. He wanted three with a glass of milk
With the way I see Asian people driving, it got me thinking…
Pearl Harbor might have been an accident.
Yes
https://ift.tt/2Hh05xn
What’s all this nonsense about nothing flying at Gatwick airport.
My drone's been flying about there all morning no problem.
You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving.
You need it to go skydiving TWICE.
What do you call a mouse that swears
A cursor
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
What did the pirate say on his 80th bday
AYE MATEY
Algebra was the easiest subject to learn in Ancient Rome.
Because x was always 10.
Why don’t cows jump over electric fences?
It would be an udder disaster
My cousin posted two jokes on this sub, but the mods deleted both of them.
He is my cousin, twice [removed]
What did the two suicidal people say to each other?
nothing….. they were just hanging….
A man walks into a pet store to buy 12 bees
After he just bought 12 bees, the pet owner gave him 13 bees. The man asked the pet owner why he was given an extra bee. The pet owner answered,”The last one’s a free bee.”
After you die, what part of your body is the last to stop working?
Your pupils. They dilate
Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
They left a little note on the windscreen that said 'Parking Fine'.
My girlfriend really likes to cosplay as gardening tools.
Often, she's a hoe.
I cannot believe there’s no cure for obesity yet.
I thought it would be a walk in the park.
A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. Bartender asks him what’s with the steering wheel? He replies…
"Arghhh, I don't know but it's been drivin' me nuts all day"
How do pickles celebrate their cake day?
They relish the moment.
Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree?
it was dead
I’m getting second thoughts about whether accepting this job was a good idea.
https://ift.tt/35ZRhV2
What do you call a priest that becomes a lawyer?
A father in law
Elon Musk has developed a new Tesla car that uses karma instead of fuel.
It runs on upvolts.