Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.
They rub it, and a genie appears.
"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.
The first dinosaur thinks hard.
"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."
Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appears in front of him.
Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur thinks even harder.
"I know! I'll have a shower of meat!"
Immediately, huge pieces of meat rain down around him.
The third dinosaur, certainly not to be outdone, thinks harder than the previous dinosaurs.
"I've got it!" he cries, "I want a MEATIER shower!"
I got a really ugly looking calculator for Christmas.
But it is what is on the inside that counts.
So many people these days are too judgemental.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Why didn’t the lifeguard rescue the hippie?
Because he was too far out man.
If I could shoot rockets out of my feet,
I would call them missile toes. Have a Merry Christmas and happy holidays!
A teacher asks her class, “What do you want to be when you grow up?”
Little Johnny says "I wanna be a billionaire, going to the most expensive clubs, take the best bitch with me, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Hawaii, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel through Europe, an Infinite Visa Card and to make love to her three times a day". The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with the bad behavior of the child, decides not to give importance to what he said and then continues the lesson. "And you, Susie? " the teacher asks. Susie says "I wanna be Johnny's bitch."
I’ve heard the Canadian Prime-Minister has a French last name.
Is this Trudeau?
My friend told me to stop acting like a flamingo
So I put my foot down
What do you call an Elephant that doesn’t matter?
Irrelephant.
Dont have sex with sad people.
They're just trying to fill a hole.
Police arrested two kids yesterday
one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one – and let the other off.
A Man Was Driving Down the Road & Ran out of PETROL…
A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window. “What seems to be the problem?” asked the bee. “I’m out of petrol,” the man replied. The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out. ”Try it now,” said the bee. The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. “Wow,” the man exclaimed. “What did you put in my petrol tank?” “BP,” answered the bee.
Lawyer: My client is trapped inside a penny!
Judge: Stuck in a penny? Lawyer: Yes, he’s in a cent!
When taking a calculus exam, make sure you don’t sit between identical twins.
Because it’s hard to differentiate between them.
Is “buttcheeks” one word?
Or should I spread them apart?
Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut
Wife: Our son called me a bitch today
Husband: What! That little son of a bitch
Why do the Hong Kong police get up early in the morning?
To beat the crowds.
Who has two thumbs and loves Peter Pan?
Not Captain Hook.
Why are Lawyers buried 12 Feet Under?
Deep down they're really good people
My doctor friend is addicted to hitting his patients on their knees to test their reflexes.
He really gets a kick out of it.
Why haven’t aliens visited yet?
They checked the reviews of our solar system and only saw one star
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward
That’s just how I roll
My ex-girlfriend just told me she wants us to get back together again. MAN! I sure am LUCKY!
I mean, first I win the lottery and now THIS?!
A shop assistant fiercely fought off an armed robber with his labelling gun, yesterday.
Police are now looking for a man and say there's a price on his head
I’m reading a horror book in Braille.
Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.
There’s a dodgy looking man standing by my car with slippers on.
He seems confused as to why my car would dress like that.
I used to really enjoy political jokes…
Unfortunately, too many of them got elected…
Not Enough Candles? No Problem! (Finally Found a Use For Binary In Real World)
https://ift.tt/2LQoHNK